Why I Want To Be A Father: Part 1

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. 

Not as the world gives do I give it to you. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. - John 14:27  

Jesus said that “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life” in the Gospel of St John, chapter 14, verse 6.  God asks us to be firm witnesses to his glory and truth and that requires us to be bearers of truth whether or not that is what we want to do.  In the TV program, House M.D., the titular character, Dr. House, reminds his team and the audience that ‘Everybody lies.’  In the spirit of following God and to live more faithfully to the principal vocation to holiness, I wish to reflect upon my thoughts on my particular vocation.  

When I was a young person, just over 18 years old, I had a very dramatic conversion into the Catholic faith.  It occurred at a Steubenville of the Rockies conference in 2001.  For a little context, the conference was in June or July, I don’t exactly recall the date.  My senior year in high school began with great expectations but did not end with such.  I found that many of the friendships I had were very superficially based.  Many of those friendships dissolved during the course of the year.  During the year, in the absence of joyful community of friends, I entered into a sexual relationship and even went so far as to smoke marijuana on a couple of occasions.  God intervened through one lasting friend.  This friend invited me to Mass and to youth group knowing that I was baptized Catholic but hadn’t attended in years.  I went and did not really participate and therefore did not want to come back.  But the invitation to come back could not be matched by anything because I did not have anywhere else to go.  The parish paid for me to go to the Steubenville conference and in adoration I learned that God called me to holiness.  It was there I had my confession heard and absolution given for the first time.  It was also at that conference, as an unconfirmed youth who had never tasted the body and blood of the Lord, I first confessed that I believed God was calling me to be a priest.  

I met with the vocations director who promptly told me that I needed to let the graces of conversion settle.  I agreed and I still do.  After a summer of fire, my first semester of college gave me a refresher on the world.  Then I had to fulfill some Army required training and then rumors swirled of a deployment.  The alert and mobilization did come and I went straight to my Archbishop and asked to be confirmed in the faith before I left.  He gave his approval and it came to be.  During the deployment, I served my fellow Catholic soldiers as a Eucharistic Minister leading communion services in the absence of Catholic chaplains.  

Coming back from my first tour was difficult.  My friends told me I was different and far more aggressive and intense.  Shortly after my return, I met with a new vocations director and the psychological test said that I would not be able to remain celibate and that virtually ended my discussions with that vocations director.  Ever the sinner, I engaged again in sexual relationships.  I know that my use of alcohol became abusive and I would suffer the consequences for my decisions.  I was arrested twice, once for failing to appear in court on a traffic violation, and for driving under the influence.  It was interesting that I served a day of jail for the failure to appear warrant but did not serve any time for the DUI.  God was certainly merciful.  I did my court ordered treatments for about a year and came out with a better understanding of myself and what I was doing.  Though I was mired in sin, I still felt the call of God.  

After a few more years I met with a third vocations director from the Archdiocese, who actually turned down my first request for an interview.  He told me that he did not think I had a vocation.  Though I did take a second psychological exam.  I never followed up on the second psychological exam as I deployed a second time.  I came back and dated two women who are tremendous people.  The relationships soured, both exclusively my own doing.  And yet, in spite of my own sinfulness, I still felt the call of God.  

After the intercession of a nice lady from the parish, I was put in contact with the vocations director for the Dominican Order of the Eastern Province.  I visited the Dominican House of Studies numerous times and I am attracted to the Order.  It is very difficult not to be.  The Friars Preachers were very hospitable and open.  They have a great charism for preaching and studying that is very appealing to me.  I would often daydream about giving a homily at Mass.  I don’t think I revealed this to them.  I had a painful six hour interview with the vocations director at home in Colorado where we spent many hours discussing my life from after the first tour through the DUI.  That interview was very taxing on me because I had not yet reconciled myself to the criminal and sinful actions that I chose to do.  I guess I think that pride was keeping me from dealing with those issues.  And now I can faithfully address those issues as being in the past.  But the interview after so many hours was not even half way complete.  It is still incomplete and after spending so much time discussing that time period of my life exposed my ignorance that I could ignore that part of my life.  And I suffered, but still ever so slightly, I felt the call of God.

About two months after that interview, I found myself notified that I would be deployed again.  I began to make small preparations and after a few months, I succumbed to temptation and drank in severe excess for the first time in a long time.  And that night saw me in complete lack of inhibition give in to sexual temptation too.  And that lack of accountability and responsibility was the result of my years of not pursuing wholesome friendships and good Catholic formation.  Through this and my current deployment, I feel so vigorous God’s call.  But this time God is calling me to live very prayerfully and sacrificially.  God is calling me to penance and forgiveness.  Through my many years as a “practicing” Catholic, I still entertained porn and the sin of masturbation.  I never tried to gain self-mastery.  I thought I would wake up and my fleshly desires would not be there.  During this deployment, I have come realize that my spirituality and holiness requires real effort and real sacrifice.  Ever more, it requires dependence on faith that God’s grace really is enough for me.  

It is my intention to return home and continue to live chastity and continence in fidelity to the command of Jesus.  It is my intention to give all to God and to make daily Mass a priority and ensure that I confess at least once a month that I am a sinner and require the grace and forgiveness of God.  I intend to finish my degree in religious studies.  As I come to live more in harmony with the commandment to be holy, I hope to come to understand what is God’s will for my life.  I hope to have more blog entries to continue my reflection because I want to be a priest.  But what vocations director is going to accept this repentant sinner?  

St Augustine, pray for me.

Forgiveness and Affirmation

“Peace be with you.

As the Father has sent me, so I send you.”

And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them,

“Receive the Holy Spirit.

Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them,

and whose sins you retain are retained.”  - John 20:21-23

Today I found myself in a particularly frustrating situation.  I visited a job site where some of my soldiers were working.  I usually either observe, help out or just stay out of the way if there are more senior engineers working with my people.  Today, I made a slight suggestion and one of my new sergeants made a very sarcastic remark.  Ordinarily, I would correct such a decorum violation very quickly and decisively.  But today I chose to let it be and let the soldiers work.  As I had other duties to attend to, I left the job site and moved on.  

It took me a while to realize that while my soldiers know me and I know them, they have also been here in the deployed zone for seven months.  I began to understand that not every single transgression needs to be borne out and dealt with as a capital crime.  Jesus came to the disciples and lived his life of mercy and tenderness but also with conviction and discipline when necessary.  

In an effort to be more Christ-like and a more faithful witness to the Catholic faith, I have had to take a significantly closer look at myself and how I conduct business.  At this point in the tour, I have noticed that the soldiers are not needing more correction but rather affirmation that they are doing great work, which they are.  My soldiers are very good at what they do.  I have also found that they are very productive when they work very early in the mornings.  

The scripture passage for this reflection is from the Gospel of St John.  Jesus has risen and is appearing before the disciples for the first time.  They were fearful of the Jews because it appeared that the Jesus movement had been handled in a most brutal way.  

The followers of The Way were hiding.  Jesus appears in their midst and commissions the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  The disciples themselves must have been very weary for the Prophet Zechariah spoke the words of the Lord, Strike the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.  Jesus echoes these words of the prophet for the disciples and us in the Gospels of St Mark and St Matthew.  The disciples abandoned the Lord.  

Jesus institutes the Sacrament of Reconciliation without bringing up the faults of the disciples.  He breathes on them and they receive the Holy Spirit and he gives them the authority to forgive sins.  In the imitation of Christ I should forgive the trespasses against me as I seek forgiveness for my sins against others.  I often choose to do wrong and thus also need to be reconciled with the Church because in failing to do good, I have not only wounded my Lord but wound my relationship with the Church.  It is even conceivable that in choosing not to serve the Lord but rather serving myself, I take away from the opportunity to fulfill my obligation inherent in my own baptism to Go and make disciples of all nations.  

And so I fervently pray for the grace to be a witness of love and mercy for my soldiers and all people that I encounter every day.  I pray that God would give me a contrite heart that seeks his own heart most deeply.  I offer myself and my sinfulness to the cross of the Lord and pray that he would crucify the desires in my heart and make of me whatever he wishes for me to be.  From this day may I sing and dance and make a joyful noise to the Lord.  May I always be humble and meek in service to my friends.  And may the Lord grant me a peaceful night and a restful death.  Amen.

Never Beyond Your Reach

For as in one body we have many members, 
and the members do not all have the same function, 
so we, though many, are one body in Christ... - Romans 12:4-5

This passage from the Letter of St Paul to the Romans came from a web search for scripture quotes about vocations.  Jesus calls each of us to a particular vocation for service of the Kingdom of God.  Often times, I find that I am too distracted to notice Jesus reaching out to me every day.  The praise and worship song "Amazed" speaks the words so loudly and so very clearly, "You sing all around but I never hear the sound."  Yes, Lord, I am amazed by you.  

If only I can remember throughout the day that I am amazed by the Lord every time I dare to even think of him.  I recently started scribing notes for a book that I want to write about temptation.  Will it ever be completed?  I highly doubt it.  I think it will come to be just like my many other attempts at such a manuscript which is to say that it will end up as a 5-15 page essay that when I re-read it, I am almost ashamed at my own preposterous attempts.  Today, I again faced temptations and failed on many fronts.  There are many that I could begin to talk about but one fits with the scripture passage.  

I have spent a great deal of my Christian life in discernment about a vocation to the priesthood.  I vacillate between yea and nay.  In life and with everything, I vacillate.  The only thing I have ever been able to commit to long lasting has been the Army and that comes with a contract.  And yet, I know God is calling me to serve him.  

Today, as I was walking to my job site, there was a voice in my head that kept saying that there is no way God is calling me to be a priest.  I shook my head and the thought was there still.  I sit back and think about my past with the promiscuity, arrests (yes, I have been arrested for missing court and also for DUI), and my own prodigal interests.  How could and why would God ever call me to be a priest?  My platoon sergeant made a joke about me being a virgin and I replied how I wished that could be true.  I spent time dwelling on my sinfulness.

Then I thought about the last vocations director I met with.  I could see as my interview drew on and on how my sinful past had him thinking the same question, how could and why would God ever call this man to be a priest?  St Paul said to the Ephesians and to me, "In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace" (Eph 1:7).  This scripture passage and the grace through the Sacrament of Reconciliation tell me that I am forgiven and free.  

Choosing to dwell on my sinfulness is an affront to the sacrament and an offense to Jesus, who looked down from the cross and saw me.  In renewing myself this evening with the grace of God and the hope of a new day before me, I once again resolve with the help of God's grace (and the intercessions of St Augustine, St Dominic and the saints) to sin no more and avoid the near occasions of sin.

To close this brief entry, I quote the late Rich Mullins from "Sometimes By Step":

Sometimes I think of Abraham

How one star he saw had been lit for me

He was a stranger in this land

And I am that, no less than he

And on this road to righteousness

Sometimes the climb can be so steep

I may falter in my steps

But never beyond your reach

There Was Great Joy

There was great joy... Acts 8:8

I have given many reflections based upon the readings and am now going to shift my style of writing away from the readings and more to things that circulate in my world.  I thoroughly intend to continue to write about things that move me spiritually and to write about the faith.  At this time, it is more about the glory of God being worked through the people around me and the great work of the angels who have been entrusted for our care.

The Army is not an easy place to be a practicing Christian.  This profession is even more difficult for a Catholic Christian.  And yet, it is a profession I have voluntarily been a member of for 13 years.  The military is the longest voluntary relationship I have had in my life.  Being faithful here while deployed is a great spiritual battle and challenge, but one that is not impossible.

Despite contrary regulations, I have realized that the soldiers have an extreme amount of porn.  I cannot possibly fathom the amount that floats around my platoon, let alone this base or even this country.  The subject of masturbation is out of place in conversations back home, but it discussed like another topic.  I am sure that it is brought up around me just to see how I respond.  During Lent, I firmly recommitted myself to purity of heart and mind by not giving in to the temptation of the material around me.  I didn't want to appear as though I were acting directly from a religious standpoint, even though I was.  A quick web search through Covenant Eyes and learned a great deal about the prevalence of pornography with concrete statistics and numbers.  The search also revealed that there is a 'reddit' web page that specifically encourages people to not view porn or masturbate.

The great joy for me is knowing that my moral life choices serve a greater purpose than self gratification.  The great joy is also an experience of the Lord that invites me to want to love Jesus more every day and live in such a way that others want to love him too.  When I look to the world and see Jesus, I am overwhelmed.  When I think of my friends and our shared experiences founded in our faith, there was great joy.

Where Do I Fit In?

Today is Palm Sunday of the Lord’s Passion.  I was a lector for today’s Mass at my FOB in Afghanistan.  I have never been a lector for this Mass before and was struck by the readings.  As I read the first reading from the Prophet Isaiah and narrated the Passion of the Lord, I experienced this Mass in a whole new way.  And this will be the focus of my reflection today.  But there is more to consider in this blog entry.  I turned 31 yesterday.  And this Lenten season has brought into sharp relief my lack of interior movement on my vocation.  

I think the only way to really keep my reflections organized is to start with me and work my way out.  I think that is how we should sometimes consider discernment.  What is my heart and where does it fit in with where God wants it in this world?  I turned 31 yesterday.  Part of me likes the attention and that is only natural.  A simple “Happy Birthday” message on Facebook can be a demonstrative example of love.  As I have quoted many times, Holy Father, Pope John Paul II tells us Redemptor Hominis that we cannot live without love.  But I did not really focus on me as the day went on.  Being gone makes it very easy to think about what I’d be doing if I were home.  Such thoughts paved the way for memories.  I considered my older sister who passed three and a half years ago.  We were a little more than 11 months apart in age.  It became a tradition for us to celebrate that I was the same numerical age as her for 15 days and then celebrate that she was finally numerically older.  She was not a practical Catholic by the Church’s own teachings.  But she ascribed to Catholicism in name, just not in practice.  I guess she is like the seed sown on rocky soil.  The roots just could not get there.  I wonder how much of that is my own fault, but life is not meant considering the past.  But life is meant for prayer.  I pray for her soul often.  My mother once asked me if I believed she is in heaven.  I told her yes and I still have to believe it.  This Palm Sunday is where we see just how much God loved us.  God loves her just the same.  May God have mercy on her soul.  May God have mercy on your soul.  

The first reading from the Prophet Isaiah foreshadows how the one will suffer but still will be righteous in word and deed.  I read the words to the people gathered at the Mass and wondered about my own words and deeds.  I read aloud “the Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue.”  I’ve always felt that the Lord has given me a great ability to speak.  And so I read these words and felt convicted when I read aloud, “I have not rebelled” because I have.  I am a sinner that needs to be saved and these words from the Prophet currently don’t apply to me.  But perhaps after a life of penance and contrition, they might.  

I’ve heard the Passion narrated before.  I’ve seen many talks about the Passion of the Lord.  I’ve given talks about the passion of the Lord.  The story is not new to me but the experience of hearing about the Lord’s great saving act renews my hope to live and to love as Jesus did.  So today I spoke and listened most intently to the words from the Gospel of St Matthew.  Father’s homily spoke to me because he asked us to consider who we were in the story.  While this is typically a tool for lectio divina, it hit home for me personally because I felt like I was everybody but Jesus.  I felt like I was the betrayer and the denier.  I felt like I was the accuser and the striker.  I felt like I was the revolutionary crucified with him and the centurion.  I felt like everybody because I have done all of these and more.  And as I listen to the Passion again, I feel like the Apostles in the upper room, loved by the Lord in the Passover.  I feel like the women of Jerusalem who weep for the Lord.  I wonder why I can’t associate with the sacrifice of Christ?  I think I know just how unworthy I am.  I think I understand the greatness of my sin.  I don’t know the suffering of Christ.  In many ways, I don’t know Christ.  I increase my prayer life and dedicate more time to studying the scriptures and spiritual readings in hopes to know Christ.  I am slowly learning how to invite Jesus into my life permanently and not just short term during adoration or a retreat.  But give him back his place in my heart.  

And that brings me to vocation.  What has the Lord called me to?  Where do I fit in?  I have been considering this question for 13 years.  I have been asked if I can see myself as a husband and father.  I could see it but I don’t see it.  I know I am capable of loving so deeply because I have and do.  But what does the Lord want from me?  I cannot say that I know for sure.  But this I know for sure, Jesus speaks very plainly when he tells me to love as he loved.  And this simple statement is the most difficult to do.  Could I be a Catholic priest?  I want to be.  Or at least part of me wants to be.  Even though I have a priest here on my FOB who is working through his own struggles here, I still want it.  He thanked me and another gentleman the other night at Stations of the Cross for our witness to him.  But I will try to trust the Lord and hear him speak to me.  I will make a daily effort to thank him, to praise him and to listen to him.  If this is the road, then the journey will not be easy.  But I pray that the Lord will provide clarity and consolation.  I cannot ask for more.  

God Calling

Being deployed is a sacrifice.  I have learned through prior deployments that during the time away from home is where I gain a greater appreciation for the things I generally don’t get here.  Lent this season has called me out of the darkness and into the life of the Church.  

I downloaded an app onto my iPad called iBreviary a while back and did not really forgotten about it but I certainly did not utilize the program as I should have in the beginning of this tour.  I decided that as I was preparing for this deployment, compounded by the personal struggles I was already experiencing with having my single-ness confirmed, that I would be the Sergeant that my soldiers needed.  This in my mind was a call to the vulgar and the profane.  I allowed pornography back into my life because for many of the men here, it part of their life.  As a few blog entries before, I also learned that where sin runs deep, God’s grace is there all the more.  But it wasn’t until Lent came along that I opened my heart again once I discovered that a priest would making his residence among us here.  

The gift of the sacraments and their accessibility to me made manifest my cause to renew my faith.  While in confession, the Lord, through the priest, called me back to the Church’s prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours.  I have been making the hours but not as often as I’d like.  I try to make sure that at a very minimum I say Night Prayer.  I have found that my need for God’s grace and the strength to combat temptation is most needed when I am tired and sleepy.  I’ve also remembered my love of the Mass.  iBreviary also has the Missal with all the prayers for the Mass.  Not only can I read through the daily readings, but I can follow the prayers and make a spiritual communion with the greater Church.  Interestingly enough, that brings me to this reflection on today’s readings.

Thematically speaking, the readings today are about God calling.  God is calling Abraham to be the father of nations.  God the Son is calling the Jews to know him.  The Church has long advocated that we must have a friendship with God through the person of Jesus.  Jesus is the word by which we live.  

The Old Testament reading introduces the concept of friendship with God.  However, the Old Testament author chooses much more authoritative wording.  The first reading details for us the goodness of God to our father in faith, Abraham.  He explains just how greatly will Abraham will be blessed.  And then, spoken to Abraham, but also spoken through the fullness of time to us, he says that “you and your descendants after you must keep my covenant throughout the ages.”  This is the call to us to continue to remember.  We must call to mind that our faith and our friendship with God is not myopic.  I have learned quite clearly that I cannot delegate God to a particular time or circumstance in my life.  God calls and does not stop being God or let me stop being his child because I am deployed.

The Gospel today entertained me greatly and at the same time called me out.  Jesus is speaking to the people and does as he has done throughout his public ministry by stating that belief in him merits eternal life.  But he also speaking metaphorically but I will get to that.  The first thing I noticed first was that his own people said that he must be possessed.  This was interesting because Jesus is speaking and the people make accusations against him because he his words begin to hit close to home.  The next thing that stood out to me in this passage is that Jesus does not deviate from his message.  He is the way to life and goes to far as to outrightly say that he is God.  I imagined that during this scene Jesus makes his great claim and the Jews in the height of their anger all pick up stones.  Just as the stones are about to be thrown, Jesus just walks away.  The scriptures say he “hid” and then left.  I don’t imagine that the temple area lends itself to hiding.  I am sure that the evangelist is alluding to a divine act by God to save his son for the appointed hour of his death which redeems us all.  

The scriptures call us to friendship with God.  Jesus tells us that keeping his word will keep us from seeing death.  Temporal death is all but certain for us as our God is a just God.  However, we are still brought into eternity and into life through the sacrifice of Jesus.  It is this time of Lent where we embrace fasting, prayer and almsgiving.  These are the principal actions of the season which encourage us to participate in the life of the Church.  These actions also help encourage us to unite our sufferings with the sufferings of Jesus.  We cannot save ourselves, but Jesus offers us salvation by having faith in him.  

Jesus wants more than to just save us.  He desires a friendship with us.  No one cares more for our joys and pains, delights and sorrows, than the Lord.  All the things of this world can be passed along to him.  Our burdens he offers to bear and he offers to share in our joys.  He loves us and it is natural to love him back.  So naturally, this love begins with friendship.

Technological Aid

Sometimes, I marvel at just how technology is involved in our lives.  My car at home has a USB port where I can connect my iPhone.  My TV, sound system and DVD player sync through HDMI cables.  My computer connects seemingly miraculously through the air to wireless networks to the internet.  Technology has even begun to alter the social construct of interpersonal communication.  I am not particularly interested in the ins and outs.  I am also not even concerned with having the latest and greatest gadgets.  I know when I get home that my phone will be three or four generations old.  It still works and I am happy about that.  What I am not happy about is how easily technology invites sin and temptation into my life.  

The internet has made pornography instantly accessible to anybody.  At this time, I am convinced that pornography is only unavailable to those who actively choose to not to entertain it.  I have chosen to make myself unavailable to it.  There are many men in the unit who don't struggle with porn but invite it into their lives.  I think at the moment I am the only one trying to avoid it.  It is also interesting to be the only person in my platoon that actively seeks to go to church at all.  I am sure that many of these guys pray when they think about it and many have yet to come to experience Jesus.  

But I actively seek Jesus and that has set me apart.  I wouldn’t say I’ve encountered persecution because of my faith but faith has become the butt of a joke or two.  Rather than become offended, I roll with it.  I have become convinced of the greatness of God and the greatness of his strength and mercy.  God does not need me to aggressively defend him.  God does not need anything from me at all.  But God does call me to witness to his love and mercy.  The other day, I made sure to let my leadership know that I was planning on going to Mass.  One of my leaders said, “well that’s stupid.”  I simply replied, “I know, but I need it all the same.”  And that was the end of it.  I am sure that it was only said to get a rise out of me so I don’t let it bother me.  

I want people to encounter authenticity of faith when they encounter me.  I am not her to win converts, though I would not mind it.  My goal is not necessarily to get others to become Catholic, but rather to build my relationship with Jesus in such a way that it attracts other people to want and build a relationship with him as well.  My strength and resolve to do this comes from the Mass and reconciliation.  And thanks to technology, and that there is an app for that, I can pray through the Mass when I cannot go to the Mass (but I still have to wait for a priest for confession).  And that is what I have done today.  

It is interesting how the Collect, the prayer following the confiteor in the opening of the Mass, is like a teaser for the Mass.  The Collect today asks that the Lord grant us “perseverance in obeying your will, that in our days the people dedicated to your service may grow in both merit and number.”  The first theme in the prayer which we will find in the readings is perseverance.  The second theme is the fruit of evangelization of holy people.  Before I reflect on those two themes for today, I’d like to note that the Collect for today is also a humble prayer that reminds us as we share those words who exactly is responsible for the conversion of souls.  The prayer reminds us that we ask the Lord to strengthen us to do his will and that our holy example inspires others to follow the Lord as well.  God can changes hearts, but I cannot.  God can save souls, but I cannot.  God can do all things, but I can only trust and follow the Lord.  

The first reading from the Book of Numbers gives to us the theme of perseverance.  The Israelites complained to the Lord and the Lord disciplined them.  I once had a friend tell me that if you show yourself (negatively) to your boss, he will show you exactly who he is.  God showed the Israelites who he was when he led them from slavery and through the desert.  God did not want that the Israelites should die but it seems that for the Israelites, and I find it is true for me as well, that I can only see the love and mercy of God when something good happens after something very bad.  For the Israelites it was the snakes.  Upon repentance, the Lord gave them healing from snakebites.  

The Gospel for today is Jesus speaking to the Pharisees and he telling them who he is and who they are.  Jesus is distinguishing between his divine, yet human nature and the  human nature of the Pharisees.  Where he goes, the Pharisees cannot.  But if they believe in him, they will live.  If they don’t, then they will die in sin.  He spoke and many came to believe.  His words indicated a perseverance in faith despite the fact that he will be lifted up, which we know today is his reference to his own death.  The fruit of the discourse by Jesus was that many came to believe.  

Perhaps, in our own Catholic way, by imitating the Lord’s example and living in humility and charity, many will come to know Jesus and believe in him.