Better Is One Day

My soul yearns and pines 
for the courts of the LORD.
My heart and my flesh
cry out for the living God.-Psalm 84:3

Living in Alaska is awesome.  I have likened it to my friends as "Colorado Extreme."  As a Colorado native, I have come to see things like snow, mountains, hiking, and the like as things that just 'were.'  I left Colorado in 2015 but, in many ways, Colorado never left me.  I travel there often.  I visit friends and family frequently.  

Socially, my life in Alaska revolves around my community of friends.  The friends and I share a similar set of values and commonalities just like any circle of friends.  If our community of faith were founded on anything else, I would be afraid that this community would fall away from the effects of time and change.  

Catholicism is beautiful for many reasons.  One of which is the enduring nature of faith.  Faith brings a constancy and continuity.  But where faith is, there is also doubt.  I don't have any real doubt about faith in God.  I do doubt my ability to live faithfully throughout the course of each day.  I once remarked to my spiritual director that for 23 hours a day, it is very easy to be faithful; that remaining hour for me calls into question those 23.  

A good friend invited me to take up dating again.  I have gone on one date since that invitation and it was amazingly awful.  This other person was very attractive and she was very intelligent.  But as the conversation went on, it seemed that she hated every thing that I valued.  It was not hard to see that this date would not lead to a followup date.  

Going on a date brought up for me thoughts of where dating has gone wrong for me.  I thought about my prior three relationships.  One came out of the fear of loneliness.  Another came out of rebound.  And one was a love I was not man enough to commit to.  

Dwelling on the past is never advisable.  Memories ought to be something that we look upon as the mile markers that help us to know where have been and to help orient us to where we are going.  But at the same time, Rafiki reminds us that the past can hurt.  

Memories feed into my real struggle with doubt.  I doubt whole notion that God has a plan for me or at least God's plan for me involves something along lines of loneliness and acceptance.  Father Brett Brannen wrote in his book, To Save a Thousand Souls, that a man cannot destroy his vocational call from God nor does God penalize not choosing to accept an obvious call.  I had a choice between pursuing discernment and pursuing a very real love.  

I made a choice that did not lead to seminary.  I made a choice that did not lead to pursuing that very real love.  I applied to a seminary and circumstances did not lead to an acceptance.  However, I did get a job offer to move.  I accepted this promotion and to pick up my life and leave that baggage behind.  

I did not really leave any baggage.  It came with me.  It's my constant companion.  I have not found peace in my circumstance.  Doubt really challenges me to live faithfully that I am moving forward and growing as faith should have me do.  When I am alone, loneliness covers my mind.   But this psalm, which coincidentally sourced a very popular Matt Redman song, makes me realize that my heart is longing for love.  But this love must be a love, deep and selfless, for my God.  

Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.  

Another Year

The disciples approached Jesus and said,
"Why do you speak to the crowd in parables?"
He said to them in reply,
"Because knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of heaven
has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted.-Matthew 13:10-11

I have not posted a blog post in over a year.  Things that have changed over the past year are many and a single entry cannot catch up the highs and lows and everything in between.  But what has changed is that I have left Facebook and Twitter.  So there will be no advertising this post.  Congratulations if you find it.  

Today, I had a great phone call and a very bad phone call.  Not wanting to take the dessert, my mother called to tell me that my uncle had a massive heart attack.  He did not die.  He lives.  I spent a long time developing an indifference towards him for many years.  I can't even remember why he deserved such treatment.  I thought and thought about it.  My prayers are with him.  I will dedicate my praise this evening to him.  

Another call came this evening, from a FOCUS missionary I support.  We spoke for almost an hour.  She shared some of her stories of the past year.  She asked about my life and what was going on in my world.  What we shared with each other came as such a blessing.  I remembered that relationships and friendships require effort.  They require grace.  They require a selflessness that I have failed to embody over the past year.  

Today's gospel reading is a call to humility for me.  I have spent many years boasting of a wealth of knowledge about the Church.  Jesus' words to the disciples speak to me because I think that I may be among those whom he speaks of as not being granted knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of Heaven.  If I did, I would probably live a significantly more virtuous life.   But there is joy in knowing that God's grace is more than my own selfishness.  

The Church calls us to a fulfilling participation in the sacramental life of the Church.  This also is an offer to receive the forgiveness and grace of Confession.  I get to say I am sorry to God for my mistakes.  This also means that I can say I am sorry to my friends and family too.  I am offered God's forgiveness.  I am also not guaranteed forgiveness from my friends.  

Tomorrow, I hope I can have the same conversion towards grace as I have often encountered in the past.  Love as I have loved you said the Lord.  I hope that I can be loving to others.  And definitely to myself.

Dying With Grace: A Reflection On Hope

When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him,

she fell at his feet and said to him,

“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping,

he became perturbed and deeply troubled,

and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.”

And Jesus wept. 

So the Jews said, “See how he loved him.”-John 11:32-36

I have been putting off this blog entry for some time because I knew it would be a piece that would convict me and call me to deeper holiness in my witness to my faith.  I also knew that it would require me to visit my heart and grieve for my beloved family members who have returned to God from this earthly life.  Death is not a very fond topic for many to discuss.  However, amid sadness and grief, the Christian hope is predicated on the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, through which we come to understand the nature of death. 

The scripture passage for reflection on this topic is from the Gospel of Saint John.  In the passage, Jesus is with his disciples when hears that his dear friend, Lazarus, is sick.  Jesus remains with his disciples.  However, he is asked if he will go to Lazarus, to which Jesus replies that Lazarus is already dead.  A few more days pass and Jesus heads to visit Mary and Martha, they each greet Jesus and they each tell him that if he were there, Lazarus would still be alive.  While the story is ultimately about how Jesus brings Lazarus back to life, I would like to focus on how Jesus grieves for his friend and then reflect on the Church’s teaching for death and life. 

The culture in America tends to hold an oxymoronic view of death.  Americans tend to view death with a near perfect taboo type of status which defies the universality of death for every American.  Also, the culture encourages people to resist grief by calling it “being strong” while at the same embracing that every does need to grieve “in their own way.” 

The shortest verse in scripture is “Jesus wept.”  This statement is the most perfect imprimatur (imprimatur is the acceptance or guarantee that something is of a good standard) from Jesus that we can grieve for loved ones when they die.  The scriptures tell us Jesus experienced a profound sadness in this moment of grief for his friend.  The Church teaches us that the imitation of Christ is the goal of every Christian.  It is proper to grieve and express our sadness when we lose a loved one.  So if sadness comes, be sad.  If grief brings emotions, express them.  But there is a caution.

Anger is an appropriate response to evil.  But death is not, itself, evil.  Death came as a response to sin.  As death is the natural enemy of life, death is our enemy too.  Jesus came so that we might have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).  So desiring life is a good thing.  Wanting to live is a good thing.  The unnecessary ending of life is a bad thing.  Disease is a bad thing. 

Being Catholic has many meanings.  One of the great things about Catholicism is veneration of the Saints (which cannot be any more different than worship).  This blog entry is not about apologetics on saints but I need to make a point.  Asking for a saint’s intercession recognizes three distinct realities for the faithful:  1) people will die; 2) there is life after death; and 3) we share in this hope for life and believe in life everlasting.  The Church teaches that “Heaven is the ultimate end and fulfillment of the deepest human longings, the state of supreme, definitive happiness” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1024). 

The Church also teaches that there are two judgments for man.  The first is the “particular” judgment which occurs at death.  This is essentially the judgment that determines heaven, hell and purgatory.  Saint John of the Cross tells us that “at the evening of life, we shall be judged on our love” (Dichos de Luz y Amor 64).  This hearkens to the Gospel of Saint John where Jesus tells us “Love as I have loved you” (John 15:12).  It is also worthy to note that we are not “saved” by any of our own actions or faith.  Salvation rests solely with the mercy of God. 

The “Final Judgment” is the second judgment where the whole people of God experience the resurrection and experience the coming of the kingdom of God.  This final judgement gives man the hope of the coming of the Lord and fullness of eternity.  We all will experience the judgement of God.  As Jesus has laid it out criteria for salvation (Matthew 25: 31-46), I know I have failed and deserve to be laid with the goats for eternal punishment.  But there is hope.

I need the prayers of the faithful.  I need the guidance of the saints.  I cannot save myself.  I trust and hope in the love and mercy of God.  Because of my hope, when my beloveds pass from this earth into the Father’s care, I grieve with the hope of the resurrection and pray for the mercy of God.  When I die, if there are any who find me beloved, may they hope in the resurrection and pray for God’s infinite mercy on this sinner’s soul.

There Is Hope For Me

In the world, you will have trouble, but take courage

I have overcome the world.  – John 16:33

The struggles with sin and temptation are a reality for me.  The past few days have been a whirlwind of grace and mercy from God, foremost, and from my friends.  In revealing my past sins to my friends did not create a divide or a division, but rather reconciliation and an outpouring of love. 

I must also include a supplement to an earlier post.  I titled the post “Porn Ruined My Vocation.”  Sin does separate me from God.  However, sin cannot ruin my vocation.  God’s love and mercy is a gift.  St Paul tells me that where sin runs deep, God’s grace is more.  And with the example of the Saints (particularly Augustine who famously wrote “God grant me chastity, but not yet”), I believe that I can overcome sin and temptation.  I take solace in the scriptures selected today and affirm that God’s call for me is for me only requires my acquiescence to his love and mercy.

The scriptures tell us that the wage of sin is death.  And for the sins we have committed, our earthly bodies will pass from this world and enter the judgment of God.  We entrust those who have passed to God’s mercy because the scriptures also tell us those who hope in God “[make themselves] pure, as he is pure” (1 John 3:3). 

But for me personally, I struggle to reveal the darkness of my sins because of shame.  Shameful behavior causes me to hide because I do not want to appear as a failure.  But how do I embrace the mercy of God, and the mercy of my friends, if I cannot allow myself to be reconciled through confession?  I bring another confession to light. 

A grave sin of mine is pride.  Pride is a sin that also reveals itself in my shame.  One of the causes of this pride is vanity.  I have often spoken of my own intellectual vanity.  I have a deep desire to not just always be right but to also appear to be more intelligent than those around me.  This sin impacts me and my community.

The first impact of this sin in my own life is that it deprives me of being like Jesus.  Jesus came, lived, and died with perfect humility.  Pride and vanity are the opposites of this virtue.  These sins place me above all other things.  By degrading the people near to me, whether they are aware of it or not, is itself an act of attempted murder of their being.  God create each person good and with a dignity which commands respect.  My own sinfulness deprives them of the respect due to their own personal dignity. 

This past Sunday, I had the privilege to escort an extraordinary Catholic woman to Mass, lunch, and holy hour with the Blessed Sacrament.  The beauty of this encounter is that I could only engage this person with humility.  The ability to pray with another person is a gift from God.  Her gift to me was a religious experience that I would otherwise not have sought out.  Mass in another parish is an opportunity to worship with the greater community of faith.  Lunch was a continuation of this because we shared a pleasant conversation, much of which I have already lost to my own limited memory.  The Holy Hour was an additional grace that my own spiritual laziness would not have otherwise undertaken. 

But what I do recall is that as I dropped her off at the airport, she challenged me to more holy hours.  I am a difficult person and didn’t want to set myself up for failure, but she pressed on.  “God is beckoning you.”  Her words remain with me still.  “Beckoning me for what?”  Was my only response.  “You will see.” 

“See what love the Father has bestowed upon us that we may be called the children of God” (1 John 3:1).  I pray for strength and courage as I battle these temptations in my life with Jesus as my hope.  May I trust and hope in the words of Jesus:  In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have overcome the world.