Disturbing Lack of Faith

“You will be hated by all because of my name.”-Matthew 10:22

Today, the Church celebrates the martyrdom of Saint Stephen, who according to tradition is the first Christian martyr.  The Collect for Mass for the Feast of Saint Stephen says this, “Grant, Lord, we pray, that we may imitate what we worship and so learn to love even our enemies, for we celebrate the heavenly birthday of a man who knew how to pray even for his persecutors…”  In the Gospel passage from Matthew, Jesus tells that the simple choice to follow him will bring enemies, but that the Spirit will give us what we need in the moment of need. 

Jesus gives us a clear and definitive teaching that essentially says to have faith.  But what does it mean to have faith?  For me, there is a real cerebral difference between belief and faith.  I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in the Church and her teachings.  But faith is a little different.  I know what faith is.  I want to have faith in God and trust that I need “will be given at that moment” (Matthew 10:19). 

But I don’t have that kind of faith.  I live a faith life that makes me the animus of whatever happens.  A good friend once asked me if the young people I worked with lived my life would they get to heaven?  I mention this often now because it is so profound.  At the end of every day, I am disappointed to examine my day and question where in my day is there a single moment that is redeemed by all the others. 

The opening prayer for the Feast of Saint Stephen renews my hope.  The prayer invokes that we may be given the ability to imitate the Lord and to learn to love.  These are processes that take time.  I should rightly feel disappointment in my sin but not necessarily feel shame.  I should be contrite and seek forgiveness for the wrongs I have done and what I have failed to do. 

Jesus tells us that if we had faith the size of a tiny mustard seed, we’d be able to work wonders.  I have not seen anyone move a mountain recently so I presume I am in good company in Church.  But I don’t base my faith life on others’ faith.  I do, however, base my need for community on the faith life of others. 

I consider John (in Alaska) to be one of my best friends because he has been relentless and fearless in challenging me in my faith life.  He is always asking me how is my prayer life.  How is my relationship with God.  What is going on in my life.  I finally admitted in confession about a month ago that I was either near or starting a crisis of faith.  I no longer feel that I have a crisis of faith, but rather, I do have the problem of a lack of faith. 

Last night, it was really late but I still pulled out my guitar and ran through a few songs before bed.  One song in particular was “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.  My friends would not be surprised to hear Chris Tomlin as a selection for my sets, but his music has not been in my mix lately.  One line in particular that struck me was “…all I have in You is more than enough.” 

So what am I really doing?  Can I faithfully answer the call to love the people who will hate me?  I don’t know if I can do it faithfully but I try.  I do want to be a saint in heaven when I complete this earthly life.  Some days, I feel like the only way will be to do so like Saint Stephen.  The reality is that I will die and it does not matter how I die so long as I die faithfully in Christ.