I Am Nothing If I Don't Have Love

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing. - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3

Though it has been a little over a month since my last blog entry, I have spent a great deal of time contemplating an entry.  Today, I find myself reflecting on love on the day after Valentine’s day.  Being deployed and single is both a blessing and cross at the same time.  I enjoy listening to my married soldiers talk about their wives and post stories about their lives on social media.  

I usually reflect on a reading of the day and today’s Gospel came from St Mark.  St Mark told a great story of feeding four thousand people.  Jesus was moved with compassion and pity for the people who followed him because they were hungry.  So in a miracle, Jesus feeds the people.  He loved the people.  And this brings me to the passage from St Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians.  

Saint Paul, from my studies, was prone to being rather outspoken.  This passage speaks to me because it brings back to my mind both God and love.  It is really easy to try to justify sinful behavior and selfish thoughts because I am deployed.  But in all of this where in my life is found God and love.  I read this passage and both contemplate the word “love” and the name “Jesus”.  I think to myself, ‘If I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have Jesus, I am nothing.’  When I think about the last time I prayed, I struggle to find a qualitative example.  I know I thank God quite regularly for many things, not the least the gift of waking up.  But conversation with God.  The actual stop and listen and just be in God’s presence.  Is this the absence of love in my life?

I had a particularly difficult separation from a woman I readily admit loved deeper than I thought I could.  But the love St Paul speaks of is reciprocal.  God loves me and I have to love him back.  This is an relationship that lasts as long as I am willing to invest in it.  My love for her was different.  It did not resemble my relationship with God.  In many ways I traded my relationship with God for her.  I wrote some time ago that a relationship with another person has to begin with a relationship with God.  And I still believe that, though in practice, I failed quite miserably.  And I allowed myself to become miserable.  I lied to myself to think that my deployment would allow things to fix itself without any real effort from me.  And any relationship sinks without effort.  

It is a real goal of mine to be a man of consequence.  I want the things that I do, the posts that I write, to have meaning.  I hope that they reach another person and help them open their heart to God and start the relationship I don’t have with the Lord.  To achieve my goal requires rediscovering who God is and who I am.  And I begin with God.  I think God will remind me and allow me to rediscover who I am.  

Love Is The Gospel Joy

Usually I begin each entry with some sort of scripture passage.  Today, I am looking to reflect on love.  this will be just a stream of consciousness.  There is no real structure or order to this entry.

God makes us a promise that when life is cold, we will never have to be without love.  As we are carefully and wonderfully created and fashioned by the hand of God, our souls bear the imprint of God himself.  As God is love, our souls also have love.  The greatest pain I believe a person can experience is to feel unloved.  However, the Lord shares with us his life and love through the Gospel.  In the words which recount for us the life of Jesus, we will find the invitation to share in the Gospel joy.

There is no greater love than this, to be willing to die for one's friends.  Jesus tells his disciples this in the Gospel according to Saint John.  We read that this sacrifice is fulfilled in the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus.  We also read from Saint Paul that we should seek to imitate our Lord.  But what does it look like to be willing to die for one's friends?  Pain teaches us that we should seek to protect ourselves and avoid the things which could take our lives.  In a sense, pain makes us self-preserving.  Wanting to live is not a bad thing.  The Lord, himself, tells us that he came that we might have life and have it to the fullest.  With that said, how ought we be willing to die?

I would like to conjecture that this willingness is a response to the Lord's call to love our neighbors as ourselves.  If we are protective of our lives, then out of love, it seems that we should be willing to protect the lives of our friends.  Sometimes, loving our friends is very easy and other times, it can be a mighty struggle.

For each of my friends, there exists a sacred bond.  A special unity exists in my friendships that is unique to each of us.  Common experiences and common faith bind us to one another.  Some of my friends and I are friends for no discernible reason.  And I have friends where communication has decayed and degraded over time.  However, my resolve to serve and defend them remains as adamant as the first time I called them "friend."  The best thing about my friendships is our ability to look past each other's sins and transgressions and continue to enjoy each other's company.

My past is not without regrets for my transgressions.  And it is my great hope that one day there can be peace and reconciliation.  I don't know what that will look like but I pray it happens while my conciliatory words have meaning.  And when my time to die comes, I pray that forgiveness finds me and the peace of the Lord carries me.

My future is known only to the Lord.  However, if the present gives any indication, I see both joy and sorrow ahead.  And yet, through it all, there will be the constancy of the Gospel joy.  Joy is not always happy nor is it sad.  It is the peace and contentment that something good has happened and that something good will happen.

I pray that I can always know the love found in the Gospel joy.  And as this reflection comes to and end, may the Lord grant me and you a restful night and a peaceful death.  

The Letter Never Sent

So many words get said but rarely get thoughts placed before them.  There is a real challenge for me in determining what is God’s will for me in my life.  My mentors and friends tell me to use my deployment to let everything go and get on track and move on.  What is lost in this are my emotions.  I take everything that is said to me, that is done to me, and think.  It’s amazing to me just how much thinking I do on a daily basis.  What I think most about is where I have gone wrong with relationships.  I’ve always thought it easy to be single and have no worries or stress.  But this thought never takes into account the love factor.  What happens when we find love?  Pope John Paul II wrote that “man cannot live without love.”  It should be logical that I would fall back into faith and remember that God loves me and that there is a plan.  But I don’t discern anymore.   I don’t ask the Lord to come into my life and guide my footsteps.  

I used to say to live like there are no regrets.  But I am realizing that there are many things I regret.  All my regrets stem from my lack of self-control.  I am not used to really being in control.  I have been virtually independent since I was 18.  Despite a dozen years on my own, I’ve relied on others for cues on how to act and what to say.  So what is left?  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself.  I’m sorry I couldn’t let go.  I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on.  I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my words to myself.  I’m sorry I couldn’t let my words go out.  I’m sorry I couldn’t love like I wasn’t afraid.  I’m sorry I was afraid.  I’m sorry I didn’t listen.  I’m sorry I couldn’t speak.  I’m just sorry.

I’ve been living the half-life.  I wake up to a sunrise.  I feel like I’m tied up.  I prayed to go free.  And so I will live like there’s no tomorrow.  I sing like nobody’s listening.  I give like I have plenty.  I promise to love like I’m not afraid.  I will be the way I was made.  

I feel like letting go.  May God let me let go.  

The Deployment of the Soul: Breath

Disclaimer:  This post (and this blog) has absolutely no ecclesiastical endorsement of any kind.

“The Lord God formed man out of the clay of the ground 

and blew into his nostrils the breath of life,

and so man became a living being.”-Gen 2:7

The Deployment of the Soul:  Breath

One of my more interesting “guilty pleasures” is an app, which is on both my iPad and iPhone, called iFunny.  iFunny collects memes that its users collect and posts them to the app for browsing.  The editors then choose what they call ‘Features’ periodically throughout each day.  I found one many months ago that made me laugh and somewhat gave substance to this piece of the Deployment of the Soul.  The meme is a screen shot of a text message between two friends presumably still in high school.  The text string reads like this:

Person 1:  Hey man whats up?

Person 2:  Just converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.  You know, the usual.

Person 1:  Wtf man?  schools out, why you still doing science?!

Person 2:  -_- breathing, Jake, I’m breathing.

Upon meditating upon the basic need of breath, I first thought of the scripture passage from Genesis.  The source and creator of all life is God, which is held to be to true by the Church.  The next thought for some reason turned to this meme.  From the moment we are born, we breath.  When we breath our last, we die.  

Through the mystery of creation, we have come to understand that our bodies require oxygen to live.  When I took my first Biology lecture in my first semester of college, I could not grasp the biological function of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide as a part of producing energy.  I still could not explain it, other than it happens.  

When considering the deployment of the soul as a spiritual exercise, one must remove all other things from their life:  TV, music, books, food, water.  These basic needs should be appropriately reintroduced whether it is after a few days or a few hours.  However, the one basic need that cannot be removed for any length of time is breathing.  On this deployment during combatives training, we saw very quickly just what happens when oxygen is deprived for even a few seconds.  The person can pass out and create all sorts of medical complications.  

The ancient Hebrew word for “breath” is also the same word for “spirit”--ruah.  So in this deployment of the soul, the breath becomes the focus.  As breath becomes the focus, meditating upon the Word of God creates an opportunity to allow the Spirit of God to find us.  The Book of Job introduces to our meditation an interesting reflection as it is written, “In his hand is the soul of every living thing, and the life breath of all mankind” -Job 12:10.  

God has our souls in his hand and with every breath, it becomes clearer that the gift of life is the result of the immanence of God.  The nearness of God to man has been the fruit of theologians for centuries throughout the history of the Church.  The discovery and rediscovery of faith and a relationship with Jesus comes not just the realization that God is near but the actualization of the act of breathing in itself.  These two concepts must coincide in the heart.  Actually breathing must reveal to us in each breath is spirit and life, both gifts from God.  

The author of the Acts of the Apostles writes, “It is He who gives to everyone life and breath and everything” -Acts 17:25.  Breathing is one of many things that are universal to every human being.  This one act, chosen by God, I believe was deliberately created to ensure that all people can have at the basic level the same need.  The foundation of the Church is universality.  The Catholic Church calls itself the universal Church because of the realization that all people have the same needs.  The Church exists to meet the needs of the people in all situations, whether they are rich or poor, unknown or famous, weak or strong, man or woman.  

The breath is the the most basic need of each person and, through the gift of God, it is also the most basic prayer.  Each breath is a witness to the glory and power of God.  And thus it can be the greatest tool in building up people and communities by offering words of hope, comfort, praise and thanksgiving.  Also each breath can be the vehicle by which our words can wound and inflict some of the most grievous pain upon each other.  

In closing, two songs have lines, which sing to the glory of God, speak of breath clearly and I like to share them.  The first is from Avalon’s song “Testify To Love”:  With every breath I take, I will give thanks to God above.  The other is from Steven Curtis Chapman’s song “Let Us Pray”:  Like breathing out and breathing in, Let us pray.  Like breathing and breathing in, dear Lord, let us pray.  

The Deployment of the Soul

Jesus said to his disciples:

“What is your opinion? 

If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them goes astray,

will he not leave the ninety-nine in the hills

and go in search of the stray? 

And if he finds it, amen, I say to you, he rejoices more over it

than over the ninety-nine that did not stray. 

In just the same way, it is not the will of your heavenly Father

that one of these little ones be lost.”-Matthew 18:12-14

A military deployment gives a soldier plenty of time to work, to worry, and to think.  Being on my third deployment has shown me both my age and clarity of thought.  

The “war” in Afghanistan began, in my opinion, as a just police action for the September 11, 2001 attacks on the United States of America in order to bring to justice those responsible for that crime.  Many lives were lost on that day and have been lost throughout the entire period of conflict in this country.  

This reflection is more of a postulation on the necessity for a ‘deployment of the soul.’  In this context, the deployment of the soul is a spiritual act which separates one from things in life and reintroduces facets of life that bring meaning.  The American culture is endowed with a sense of consumerism, a fact exemplified during the holiday season.  Thus, the deployment of the soul, timed with the season of advent, creates an opportunity to make Christmas into what the holiday has always been about:  The coming of the Savior so that we may have life.  

According to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the most basic needs are:  Breath, food, water, sleep, sex and balance.  These are all things which the Church professes to be necessary and are good for life.  However, each of these has its own limitations.  We cannot breath more than our lungs can take.  We must eat food to continue to live.  Water absolutely necessary to life, but it is possible to cause trauma by excessive drinking of water.  Sleep is necessary for proper neurological function, but too much sleep could indicate laziness or some sort of medical condition.  Sex is necessary to propagate life and is the manifestation of marriage.  Sex, in its proper place, is not to be promiscuous, but rather be the total act of self-giving and the closest thing humanity can find to perfect love.  It is, in itself, the participation in the divinity of God.  

The second group of needs, according to Maslow, are the needs grouped by safety:  Body, employment, resources, morality, family, health and property.  These, too, are not condemned by the Church.  Fitness of the body is an indicator of discipline but vanity to the excess can misconstrue and disfigure the sanctity of the physical body.  Employment is necessary for all people and leads to resources.  Work can be dignified when the needs of the person are met in conjunction with the needs of the employer, however, employment that is exploitative of others is inherently selfish and undermines the dignity of the human person.  The resources acquired through daily labors provide stability to the human in order to fulfill more basic needs.  Family is found in the first three tiers of the hierarchy of needs.  Family is the fullness of love manifested between a husband and wife.  

The pyramid structure of the hierarchy of needs works its way through esteem and self-actualization.  This seemingly tangental thought process speaks directly to the gospel passage for today.  In order to find ourselves spiritually, we must in some respect take on a retreat.  However, to be counted among the sheep as the lost then found requires more than just a retreat.  Most retreats that I have been on have been efforts to show that God is waiting for us to find him.  A deployment of the soul is much more than this. 

On this deployment of the soul, I am learning that being removed for an extensive period of time from my own comfort zone with a group of people who were all foreign to me, stripped me of everything.  The first things to reappear were the basic of needs.  I was fed and given water.  I was assured that my continued breath was utmost in the minds of the leadership.  The denial of sex in this environment by order reveals both its necessity and sanctity.  This deprival also distinguishes between lustful sex and loving sex.  On basic and fundamental level, God provides can be conjectured.  

The security of the body by the squad, platoon, company, and so on also carries with it the security of the steady paycheck and the continued trust that the next level of needs will be met.  Thus God provides.  

Increased familiarity among strangers creates an environment that fosters intimacy and friendships.  This third level of needs lays the foundation for the soul to thrive.  Pope John Paul II, in his encyclical letter Redemptor Hominis, tells us that “man cannot live without love.”  The unspoken love between battle buddies in deployment is far more intimate than the jest which seemingly mocks this bond.  The willingness to do what it takes for the man next to you on the battlefield is a reflection of Lord’s sacrifice.  He tells us, “There is no greater love than this: that a person would lay down his life for the sake of his friends” (John 15:13).  In a deployment, God provides.  

During this third tour, I am finding that there is a decrease in my desire of “things” and that my “needs” will be met.  It is necessary to train my mind, body, and soul to know, believe, and trust that when this deployment is over that these needs will continue to be met.  This renewal of life opens the heart and the mind to allow God to find us.  The scripture passage today tells us how God rejoices over the one that is found.  So when the faith is hard to follow and the world hurls its stones, God may be calling us to more than just a retreat, he may be calling us to the deployment of the soul.  

One Great Love Story

Unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies,

It remains a grain of wheat,

But if it dies,

It produces much fruit--John 12:24

One cannot know the hour of death and as an American male, my culture has taught me that death itself is taboo.  We cannot talk about death because it is morbid, sad, and uncomfortable.  However, when inspired by the Saints and encouraged through faith and sacramental inclusion, my life becomes death.  In the Gospel of Saint John, Jesus says that “unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains just a grain of wheat; but if it dies, it produces much fruit” (Jn 12:24). 

I have heard at retreats, seminars, conferences, at the Holy Mass, and in conversation about the value of dying to sin.  I must pass away to the things that distract from the Lord and empty myself to become the humble servant.  I’ve reflected and prayed about this often and have even changed my preferred Act of Contrition in confession.  I say “Father, I have sinned against heaven and earth and am no longer worth to be called your son.  May God have mercy on me, a sinner.” 

This statement is based on the story of the prodigal son who returns home after living sinfully, then living penitentially, and he finally comes home to seek forgiveness.  It mirrors my life.  I live sinfully and then I try to atone for my sin myself and fail.  I then come home to Jesus and seek forgiveness in the Sacrament of Confession.  Mercy is God’s way of welcoming me home. 

My life is one great love story between God and me.  I suspect that every single human being shares in this love story.  The tragic part is that there are many people who are deprived of knowledge of the love of God.  Their tragedy opens up the call of Jesus to the Church to engage in missionary work to bring “freedom to the captives” (Lk 4:18).  As a member of the Church and a man baptized in the Christian faith, I, too, bear the responsibility to bring freedom to the captives by opening my life to others as a witness to the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  And in failing to do so, I sin most egregiously.  God has given me a gift for speaking, for preaching.  In choosing to live selfishly and not for others, I waste God’s time in his plan for me.  Reconciling this difficulty seems to be a most difficult challenge.  But faith requires constant conversion.  I must daily remember the cross, pick it up and live in such a way as to glorify not myself, but the one who saved me. 

In returning to the story of the grain of wheat, I must die to rise and live.  For the past few weeks, I have been far too trapped in the reflections concerning death.  With a deployment upon my horizon to Afghanistan, it has been far too easy to focus on me as this post does well to point out.  My life for the past few weeks has been about me.  In living for Christ and for the sake of the Gospel, I must remember to serve the people that God has placed in my life.  It is as simple as a phone call or visit.  Sometimes service requires an inward movement of my heart with results in actions that show my love of Christ and the people around me. 

I am going to die and I don’t know when.  So for the sake of the Gospel, I must live as God intends and live in such a way that my baptism is never brought into question.  I have been called to serve as priest, prophet, and king.  This is no different than any other baptized person.  I have been called to live a life of holiness.  This is no different than any other baptized person.  I have been called to witness to the love of God.  Once more, this is no different than any other baptized person.  But, to do so I must allow myself to be ministered to and to minister to others.  I must be open to the Holy Spirit and have the courage to proclaim aloud my faith and to hold my friends accountable to holy living.  I must humble enough to let them hold me accountable to my own personal holiness. 

At the end of the day, I must ask myself, “What did I do for the Lord today?”  And each day, I hope and pray that I can tell him a story that is never ending. 

Reflections on Urban Driving: Part 1

Driving has been a part of the American culture for nearly a century.  From its humble begins as an alternative to the horse and carriage, the phaeton and ponies, the automobile has captured the hearts of Americans and opened the culture to communication and interaction that has since become complacently accepted.  The only reminder of the value of driving for the American culture came with the spike of the price of oil which followed Hurricane Katrina.  As an American male who is particularly fond of the roadways and the scenic beauty that urban sprawl and nature possess, I’ve decided to set aside my thematic mainline blog entries from theological reflections to social reflections on virtuous living vis-à-vis the automobile.  This entry will focus on two items as part of an ongoing series of reflections.  This reflection will focus on driving while distracted and the absence of consideration amongst drivers.

Driving while distracted can take many forms and varies by the driver.  The two distractions that I personally observe almost daily are texting and driving and the morning application of make-up.  According to the website, textingwhiledrivingsafety.com, in 2011 23% of all car crashes involved cell phone use.  Even more astonishing is the statistic that a single act of texting removes the attention of the driver an average of 5 seconds.  The site states that driving at 55 mph, a text message will have distracted the driver for a distance of an entire football field.  Also texting while driving during periods of heavy congestion can create unnecessary stop and go as the driver is delayed in keeping with the pace of traffic. 

Texting has become a mainstream form of communication and is a valuable mode of communicating thoughts and messages with expediency.  However, the discipline of the driver must overcome the perception that there is an urgency to text while driving.  We have already reviewed one source that details the risk of texting while driving.  The reflection I wish to offer is developing consideration of others on the roadway.  The first consideration is to realize that while on the roadway, we are still in community with our fellow motorists.  

Driving, the action itself, seems rather innocuous.  But it can be a means of developing personal holiness and virtue.  The stress of the modern, urban roadway presents a series of challenges.  During peak driving, we find ourselves sharing the roads with countless neighbors whom we’d never encounter otherwise.  It is during this time, we can find opportunities to be good stewards of the road itself.  Most of drive with a set destination in mind and the urgency with which we seek to arrive there varies.  Consideration of others involves opening our minds and hearts to the needs of others.  We do not have to replace our needs with the needs of the other motorists but can share the need for primacy and right of way.  A simple consideration is during peak congestions of highway travel to not linger unnecessarily in the right lane unless our exit is near to allow for easier merging by motorists entering the highway.  Heightening awareness is a skill which is intended by many defensive driving courses which attempt to ask drivers to anticipate the actions of other motorists.  I have observed that drivers will “drift” towards the side of the lane when they are considering a lane change.  By creating space through altering one’s travel space, the driver with heightened awareness can assist other drivers in making their lane choice more efficiently.  At highway speeds, temporarily altering one’s speed for a few seconds affects the arrival time by only seconds.  This can also mitigate the risk of cutting someone off and preventing road rage. 

We cannot alter the mood of other drivers but we can positively affect the driving environment for all motorists we share the road with.  By reducing or eliminating our desires to drive while distracted and increasing our consideration of other motorists, driving can become less stressful and more enjoyable.  Drive safe, my friends, drive safe.