Even If

Behold, I am with you until the end of the age. - Matthew 28:20

Today, I wish I could discuss some theological aspect of the love and mercy of Jesus.  But, I am in the throes of momentary spiritual desolation.  The concept and experience of desolation does not keep me from my reflections.  I could make a reflection based off what I’ve read from theologians past.  However, today seems like it would be much more appropriate to write a narrative about me and what I am feeling in this moment.  

My return to the U.S. from deployment will happen.  Though I don’t know the day or the hour, I know the day is coming.  All deployments end and I am now recognizing a pattern after three.  My emotions and thought processes pick up from where I was when I left for Active Duty.  The three biggest things for me when I left were a quasi-breakup in a relationship, an awkward evening with co-worker (nothing happened, thankfully), and general anxiety over my friends.  

I have learned that I am not as important as I often think I am.  With that said, I have learned that life goes on for people who have to live it.  My friends learn to accept not having me around and they learn how to go on without me.  With this realization, I often weigh myself down with thoughts of how to reintegrate my friends into my life.  Each deployment has proven that this will be a mighty struggle.  But this does not worry me much because my friends and I love each other.  We will work to renew our bonds and strengthen our friendships.  

I eventually have to go back to work.  I am sure that there will be lingering questions about an awkward evening before I left.  Nothing happened thankfully.  I am looking forward to getting back to an office and responsibilities that don’t have to be with me all the time.  Sleep does not even interrupt my responsibilities here.  

And last, and certainly the most heavy for my heart, is the quasi-breakup before I left.  Love is absolutely the greatest gift God has given man.  I must admit that I had not respected love itself before the quasi-breakup.  I had never experienced love in a relationship before this one.  I have tales of lust that may haunt me for the rest of my life, but only one story of love.  That one story is what weighs most on my heart.  

What is great about the human person is capability to be resilient.  To be flexible and adapt and overcome are qualities that reflect the greatness of people.  And thus, it is no surprise (to restate) that she has (or will) moved on.  During the deployment, this was very difficult for me and I elected to un-friend her on Facebook.  This was a decision that I struggled with and will continue to struggle with.  And coming home, I am already anxious and fearful over just seeing her again.  I am sure that it is an inevitability because we have common friends.  The simple, Catholic response is to trust God.  

Tomorrow, I will go to Mass.  I will receive the Lord into my body and my heart.  I don’t expect to feel any better or worse.  But I know on a scholarly level that Jesus is with me.  That is why I chose the scripture at the beginning of this blog entry.  I still have hope that the Lord will guide me when I get home to do I am supposed to do.  But for now, I like the the song “Even If” by Kutless.  It is worth listening to.  Its words express my hope in this moment of desolation (emphasis mine):

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come