Disturbing Lack of Faith

“You will be hated by all because of my name.”-Matthew 10:22

Today, the Church celebrates the martyrdom of Saint Stephen, who according to tradition is the first Christian martyr.  The Collect for Mass for the Feast of Saint Stephen says this, “Grant, Lord, we pray, that we may imitate what we worship and so learn to love even our enemies, for we celebrate the heavenly birthday of a man who knew how to pray even for his persecutors…”  In the Gospel passage from Matthew, Jesus tells that the simple choice to follow him will bring enemies, but that the Spirit will give us what we need in the moment of need. 

Jesus gives us a clear and definitive teaching that essentially says to have faith.  But what does it mean to have faith?  For me, there is a real cerebral difference between belief and faith.  I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in the Church and her teachings.  But faith is a little different.  I know what faith is.  I want to have faith in God and trust that I need “will be given at that moment” (Matthew 10:19). 

But I don’t have that kind of faith.  I live a faith life that makes me the animus of whatever happens.  A good friend once asked me if the young people I worked with lived my life would they get to heaven?  I mention this often now because it is so profound.  At the end of every day, I am disappointed to examine my day and question where in my day is there a single moment that is redeemed by all the others. 

The opening prayer for the Feast of Saint Stephen renews my hope.  The prayer invokes that we may be given the ability to imitate the Lord and to learn to love.  These are processes that take time.  I should rightly feel disappointment in my sin but not necessarily feel shame.  I should be contrite and seek forgiveness for the wrongs I have done and what I have failed to do. 

Jesus tells us that if we had faith the size of a tiny mustard seed, we’d be able to work wonders.  I have not seen anyone move a mountain recently so I presume I am in good company in Church.  But I don’t base my faith life on others’ faith.  I do, however, base my need for community on the faith life of others. 

I consider John (in Alaska) to be one of my best friends because he has been relentless and fearless in challenging me in my faith life.  He is always asking me how is my prayer life.  How is my relationship with God.  What is going on in my life.  I finally admitted in confession about a month ago that I was either near or starting a crisis of faith.  I no longer feel that I have a crisis of faith, but rather, I do have the problem of a lack of faith. 

Last night, it was really late but I still pulled out my guitar and ran through a few songs before bed.  One song in particular was “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.  My friends would not be surprised to hear Chris Tomlin as a selection for my sets, but his music has not been in my mix lately.  One line in particular that struck me was “…all I have in You is more than enough.” 

So what am I really doing?  Can I faithfully answer the call to love the people who will hate me?  I don’t know if I can do it faithfully but I try.  I do want to be a saint in heaven when I complete this earthly life.  Some days, I feel like the only way will be to do so like Saint Stephen.  The reality is that I will die and it does not matter how I die so long as I die faithfully in Christ.

Christmas Hope

O God, who wonderfully created the dignity of human nature

And still more wonderfully restored it, grant, we pray,

That we may share in the divinity of Christ,

Who humbled himself to share in our humanity…

-Collect, December 25, 2016, Mass during the Day

When I was young in my Catholic faith, I often ignored the opening prayer of the Mass when it was prayed by the priest.  It was not intentional or meant in any disrespectful manner; it was the result of my lack of familiarity with all that takes place in the opening rites of the Mass.  But the collect is essential to the Mass.  *(I would argue that every word, rite, prayer of the Mass is essential)* 

I consider my father in faith to be Archbishop Charles Chaput, Archbishop of Philadelphia.  While in Colorado, he made time to see me whenever he could.  He would often preach that if you wanted to understand the readings for the Catholic Mass, just go to the opening prayer and read it. 

Being Catholic is a struggle.  Being Christian is a struggle.  The struggle is trying to live virtuously.  Webster tells us that virtue is conformity to a standard of right or a commendable quality or trait.  For me, the discipline I try to adopt is to think of others more and myself less.  This sounds like a good practice but the reality is often more difficult.  Every day, I wake up and my body reminds me that it must be attended to.  I’m hungry.  I’m dirty.  I’m hot.  I’m cold.  I’m late.  I’m tired.  Virtue is undermined by human frailty (and, for me, some Oreos). 

Virtue, for me, is also undermined by desire.  Desire, by itself, is not a bad thing.  Desire is a deep attraction.  I speak often from the position of desire.  I desire good things for every person that I meet.  Because I desire good things for people, I often will say things that are true in the moment and very reflective of how I feel, but very difficult to follow through with.  I have friends (Jonah, Louis, Robert, Adam, and many more) that I explicitly tell them that I wish I could sit and have a beer and give but an hour with them.  More discernment would give me a better statement that reflects reality.  Moving to Alaska has made it difficult to make good on time commitments or at least expressions of commitment. 

Being Catholic is also my choice.  I choose it because hope is a virtue that I value.  Hope is the promise that there is something greater than me and that my life, despite my mistakes, eternity is a possibility because I am forgiven by God through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  Catholicism is a faith tradition that is difficult because it has a book with stories that are thousands of years old.  Catholicism also has a book that a couple thousand paragraphs of the Church’s teaching.  There is a hierarchy and structure that reflects the wisdom of millennia.  These characteristics run counterculture it is neither vintage or new.  It appears to be restrictive of freedom.  Its ways are not “our” ways. 

Jesus is God.  God is love.  This teaching of the Church specifically gives me hope.  Jesus taught about the dignity of the person without regard to race, creed, or sexuality.  And thus, it is so that Christmas is sacred to me. 

I was speaking via Facebook Messenger with a friend who recently lost his father and I was lamenting on the loss of my sister many years ago.  He noted that time probably makes it easier.  I appreciated his words of comfort but I spoke of my grief differently.  I noted that my grief did not get easier with time but rather changes with time from sadness to heartfelt longing.  Because my hope subsists in the divinity of Jesus, the celebration of the nativity of Jesus marks the beginning of the manifestation of God’s precious promise that He will come to his people. 

I will fail in my Christian walk.  But Christmas is a time to renew our commitment to virtue.  For Catholics, it is a time to remember that God came to save us.  There is hope.

Reclaiming National Dignity

Note to Reader:  This post is purely a personal political commentary on the US Political climate.


As a citizen interested in government and as a former legislator, I had long believed that too many governmental programs are botched because they are started in haste without adequate planning or establishment of goals.  Too often they never really attack the targeted problems.­ -- Jimmy Carter, 2002

The current state U.S. politics is a highly partisan, two party system that reveals divisive flaws in national public opinions.  The race for the office of the President of the United States has become less about electing the most capable chief executive of the nation but, rather, electing an ideology which effectively discriminates against a substantial population of the United States. 

The course of federal American politics in the 21^st century circulates between radical conservatism and radical liberalism.  Federal politics also undermine federalism within the United States as well.  I suggest a few courses of action that should drive national policy for our government.  These are:  1) We must have term limits for all federal, elected officials; 2) We must restore confidence in the sovereignty of the States; and 3) We must, as a nation, be willing to have crucial conversations and productive dialogue about social equity.

Term limits for members of Congress should be limited to two terms.  This is in line with the term limits for the office of the President.  Elected positions should not appear to be imperialistic, monarchistic, or aristocratic.  Term limits also makes public service more accessible.  The modern political theory of Congressional Stagnation suggests that once elected, a person is unlikely to lose re-election in the House of Representatives.  I don't believe any individual member assumes a particular identity.  I just believe that Congressional diversity comes from turnover.

“Incumbency and Short-Term Influences on Voters” is an article by John Petrocik and Scott Desposato that appeared in Political Research Quarterly that is widely cited for its statistic that, on average, 5-10 incumbents per election cycle will lose re-election in House elections.  Logically, the paradox is that 11% of the people approve of the work done by Congress and yet all but 2% of Congress people are re-elected.

It has long been a personal belief of mine, that as a citizen of the United States, that if a political ideology is so divisive that threatens our democratic republic then it should not be a federal issue.  When compromise fails on a politically ideological situation, then the people and the government must courageously accept the sovereignty of the individual state’s determination of what is best for its residents. 

Technology has provided access to more information and data than ever before.  I believe that this also presents a complication.  I believe that technology also makes us less likely to compromise because our access to information leads us to believe that we are right when we take a position. 

One of the many great privileges of being an American citizen is the freedom to choose which values we will possess and live by.  This ability to be an individual carries the responsibility to respect the choices of others.  This does not require a citizen to compromise their own values but it can lead to open and constructive conversations where understanding as opposed to dominance is prevailing purpose.   

In response to polarizing effect of major issues, I propose that America courageously accept that all divisive issues that cannot be objectively evaluated as right and wrong be returned to the States.  Gun control and abortion are examples of two ideological differences that demonstrate the subjectivity of policy. 

The gun control issue rests on an interpretation of the Constitution.  Rather than impose a modern interpretation of gun control, making gun control a states’ rights issue protects the constitutional rights of the people, and the laws, of Chicago, Illinois and Anchorage, Alaska without compromising the sovereignty of the local and state governments.

From my perspective, abortion debate has almost never been about abortion itself.  It has been about the fundamental question of when life begins.  However, without science (or law) definitively speaking to the universality the personhood of a human zygote as life then the abortion decision cannot take place nationally.  Liberal court opinions have reframed the nature of the abortion discussion.  What began as a question of human viability for a fetus has evolved into a privacy issue.  Science and the law do not speak objectively and harmoniously to life in this circumstance and, therefore, abortion should be a states’ rights issue. 

Social equity is the greatest challenge to the American landscape.  I believe viral issues, such as perceived police bias, corporate oligarchy, and the “1%”, are not individual issues to be resolved but are themselves symptoms to a greater problem in America.  The problem itself is something that must be rooted out through education, conversation, and judicious action. 

Comprehensive reform of America’s school should begin with defining what is a quality education and then bridging the access gap to this education.  America has a Gross Domestic Product of $17.95 Trillion, by far the largest economy in the world.  We should also have the most wealth of any nation.  Therefore, American students should not be allowed to make it through primary and secondary schooling without literacy, math, and critical thinking skills. 

Federal student loans, scholarships and grants for post-secondary education should only be need based.  Federal educational benefits should also have some sort of return to the government in the form of civil service, military service, or select degree seeking programs.  Forbes magazine noted that bachelor degrees in fields like anthropology, film, photographic arts, and other “softer” degrees should not put students into debt.  The probability of the student repaying the debt without incurring a forbearance, deference, or income controlled payments is significantly less likely than a STEM-field producing degree.

Critical conversations begin and end with engaging with the intent to understand and not to dominate.  This must be a values driven conversation to understand differences in prejudice and practical methods to re-evaluate the community dynamic.  Racism exists.  Prejudice exists.  Discrimination exists.  In the course of dialogue, growth and engagement, communities can push back against racism, reveal prejudices, and eliminate unjust discrimination while recognizing the existence of just differentiation. 

At the end of the day, the American people need to be willing to act courageously and judiciously.  The leaders of ideology seem to be more interested in protecting special interests and statuses quo at the expense and sacrifice of the dignity of the individual and the nation.  America can restore her national pride.  And each American must be a part of reclaiming national dignity.

A Lenten Love

I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you...-Philippians 1:3-4


The more I come to think about my life as it is and where it is going, I cannot escape the past.  The past is an essential piece to each person and I am no exception.  Our collective pasts teach us always about how the world works and who people are. 


I left Colorado with the mindset that Alaska is a temporary location for me.  And in many ways, it is still a temporary location.  However, what I had not expected was to find a place that could feel like home.  Along with this home, has come a community that made it a mission to proclaim the kingdom of God and to seek it above all else.  Such a goal has left me contemplative of whether I am even worthy of such a group of friends.  The short answer is no, but worthiness is not necessarily a criterion for acceptance.  This is especially true in Christianity. 


When I sat down to consider a new entry for the blog, the daily reading did not inspire me in such a way as to bring reflection but the letter to the Philippians has never failed to reach me.  I often resonate with the gospel of the day but today I resonate with St Paul.  While intimacy has been a particular struggle for me, I cannot say that I have not experienced the soul wrenching, years-in-the-making, type of love that often typifies the deep, committed, been together forever, relationship usually resulting in marriage.  I can say that I have experienced this once.  It is still a weird sentiment for me, even now, after all these years.  The feeling is a slight pull of the heart but not one that interferes with my life.  But without that love, I would not know love.  I would remain, as Pope John Paul II described, "a being incomprehensible to himself" (Redemptor Hominis).  And it resulted with the good words of St Paul:  "I give thanks to God at every remembrance of you, praying always with joy in my every prayer for ... you."  Because truly loving for once, if only one up until now, has allowed me a far greater appreciate of faith, love, and God.


Nicholas Sparks often has a way with romantic words.  But I think that when it comes to a first love (particularly one that does not work out [as the imminent quote comes from and hints to]) the book/movie, The Best of Me, expresses a uniquely beautiful idea.  The character, Dawson, says in a letter that is read after he dies, "I love who I am when I'm with you, Amanda.  You are my dearest friend, my deepest love.  You are the very best of me." 


In order to have some continuity with the season of Lent, I would like to invite a brief reflection upon the tenets of Lent.  Lent asks us to consider, and practice, prayer, fasting and almsgiving.  These are intimately related to the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity and obedience.  They are the fruit of faith, hope, and love.  Lenten love is a beautiful love.  It points towards the sacrifice, redemption, and salvation in the Passion, Death and Resurrection of the Lord. 


Authentically amorous or familial relationships should not be different and should have some sort of Lenten character to them.  They should involve some sort of service and support to the other.  It should will the good of the other.  And in success or failure, it should continue to be loving.  But there is a beauty in my own memories of love.  I thank God for it and pray for joy for you.  So if it works out in the end or not, there should always be joy in love.  And we should never stop praying for each other.


I don't know if I seek the one as Dawson does in Nicholas Sparks' The Best of Me.  I wonder if there is a 'dearest friend, a deepest love' who is not the beloved spouse.  Perhaps genuine love is its own unique character that can only exist between two distinct people.  If family is our first experience of love, then it would lead me to speculate that love can have an infinite number of identities, versions, types.  My love for my sister, Jennifer, is vastly different from my love for my sister, Teresa.  It is not deeper, lesser or greater, but it is very different. 


So for now, I can readily, and heartily accept that "I love who I am when I'm with you... You are my dearest friend, my deepest love.  You are the very best of me."

Harry Potter and the Spirit of Right Judgment?

You shall not act dishonestly in rendering judgment.
Show neither partiality to the weak nor deference to the mighty,
but judge your fellow men justly. - Leviticus 19:15

Upon reviewing my blog, I noticed that I had only registered three posts for calendar year 2015.  I try to recall what made 2015 so full that I could not take time to write more than three entries.  I do not believe that I filled my calendar with feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the imprisoned, tending to the sick, or welcomed a stranger.  The reason I do not believe that these events filled my calendar is because I do not recall performing a single corporal work of mercy.  

After reviewing a few definitions, mercy is essentially a lesser punishment than what could be expected or justly dispensed.  Last night before Mass, I said a little prayer for my sister who has be gone for nearly five years.  I prayed that God's mercy might touch her and bring her into his house and give her a room prepared for her and that if God's mercy could be so generous, that I would be allowed to join her.  

In the Gospel today, Jesus tells of the final judgment.  The Church teaches that there are two judgments; the particular judgment which occurs at the moment of death and the final judgment which comes when Jesus comes in glory.  He outlines the criteria for entry into heaven.  The Church refers to these criteria as the corporal works of mercy.  

Today, I would like to offer a preliminary commentary on mercy inspired by today's readings.  I have two topics to discuss that are not too unrelated.  The first is the actual action of judging and the second is love.  During the season of Lent this year, the Holy Father, it seems to me, would like for us to consider judgment and love in addition to the statutory prayer, fasting and alms giving.  I gather this because this year he has made this the year of mercy.  

Many of my protestant friends and most of my secular friends are very fond of the scripture "judge not lest ye be judged."  Another pithy statement that I often hear is "only God can judge."  In the light of today's readings, I cannot possibly imagine that any Catholic, or any Christian for that matter, can shirk the responsibility when presented to them.  Judgment, it seems, can become a moral imperative and so we must be well formed.  It is thus one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is the spirit of counsel.  Interestingly enough, counsel is often referred to as the spirit of right judgment.  

It is not often that I use fiction to make a point, but I would like to recall a very brief event from the novel Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  At the end of the school year, when the headmaster was tallying points to award the House Cup, he awarded last minute points.  He awarded the final points to Gryffindor house's Neville Longbottom for courage for standing up to his friends.  Earlier in the film, the character rightly guessed that his friends were going to break house rules and cause trouble and he called them out on it.  While the circumstance did not end well for him and the plot advanced, the recollection of this event later in the book glorifies the actions of Neville.  The spirit of fortitude is often supplemented by right judgment.  The story would have ended the same without this little moral act.  However, had Harry or any other character said to Neville once confronted, "judge not lest ye be judged" or "only God can judge," and had Neville replied, "You know what? You're right," would have made Neville look like a fool and tarnished the honor of the mission.

This blog entry is not for a commentary on relativism but it is worth noting that I believe that sin exists and to each action there is a definitive right and wrong.  It is interesting that in the Harry Potter series that right and wrong are often not clear.  Neville is rewarded and recognized for making it clear that Harry and company were wrong.  While not proper in this context,  I must note for emphasis (and my nerdy love of Harry Potter) that the quest at the end of the first book was character defining for the three principle characters but it was completely unnecessary.  While not stated explicitly, Neville was right that they were going to break rules.  The kids were not punished for their violations, but they broke the rules all the same.  They wanted to prevent the primary villain from obtaining the philosopher's stone.  After the sordid ordeal ended, the reader learns that there was a small bit of information about the stone that would have prevented the villain's ability to retrieve it.  Thus the whole quest was entirely unnecessary as the risk was not actually present only perceived.  

Judgment is a necessary prerequisite in mercy.  As many definitions explain, mercy requires a judgment and then a lesser punishment than deserved.  One who cannot rightly judge cannot, by definition, be merciful.  Thus I pray to God that you and I may be given a spirit of right judgment.  Then perhaps in God's grace we may be among those described by Jesus:  "Blessed are the merciful; for they will be shown mercy."

The second commentary is on love.  Ordinarily, my commentary on love is repetitive and essentially the same thing over and over again.  I would like to share a story that happened just over three months ago.  The men's group I was a part of invited the Archbishop of Denver to speak to us on manhood.  During the preceding barbecue, some of us engaged his attendant, a seminarian, about his studies.  He noted that homiletics was by and far the most difficult class.  He recounted the extreme stress he felt when one day their professor decided to have each man give a one-minute homily.  I commented something to the effect that this seemed like the least stressful of tasks.  I noted that with only a minute it would seem in most circumstances to prudently default to the greatest commandment according to Jesus, "love as I loved you.." and place it in the gospel context.  If this is too daunting, then authentically convey love for the people.  If words fail, then do one's best to imitate Jesus.  The Archbishop and the seminarian both looked at me very discerningly.  I left Colorado for Alaska shortly thereafter, so I could not follow up.  

I suffer greatly from pride.  A priest-friend once told me that I should not speak about myself unless asked about myself as a small method to deal with the sin.  It is rather difficult to do so.  Intellectual vanity is a terrible struggle.  Look at me, I am so smart.  Look at me, I am so right.  Look at me.  Great care must be taken to ensure that the intent of my blog and the action of my blog proceed harmoniously in love.  The purpose of blogging may have begun in pride, but now it is to get my thoughts out there.  If I can evangelically reach that one lost sheep and be an instrument that Jesus uses to bring them back, then all praise to God.  

Love is an absolute prerequisite for mercy.  This brings us full circle.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that mercy is fruit of charity (love) in paragraph 1829.  In this reflection on mercy, it seems that I must wholeheartedly reconsider to what degree I exercise love and right judgment.  If the fruit of love is mercy, and I have do not perform any works of mercy, then it stands to reason that I have not loved at all.  Thus I would have failed in the most basic commandment to just love.  Pride is a terrible sin that keeps me from loving as I ought.  In order to right myself and to continue to hope in my prayer to be reunited with my beloved sister in heaven, I firmly renew my Lenten disciplines:  I give up Facebook to be more open to people; I take up the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to pray for God's mercy on us all; and I work on this pernicious sin of pride so that I may love authentically and wholly.  

May the Lord bring us all peace.