Better Is One Day

My soul yearns and pines 
for the courts of the LORD.
My heart and my flesh
cry out for the living God.-Psalm 84:3

Living in Alaska is awesome.  I have likened it to my friends as "Colorado Extreme."  As a Colorado native, I have come to see things like snow, mountains, hiking, and the like as things that just 'were.'  I left Colorado in 2015 but, in many ways, Colorado never left me.  I travel there often.  I visit friends and family frequently.  

Socially, my life in Alaska revolves around my community of friends.  The friends and I share a similar set of values and commonalities just like any circle of friends.  If our community of faith were founded on anything else, I would be afraid that this community would fall away from the effects of time and change.  

Catholicism is beautiful for many reasons.  One of which is the enduring nature of faith.  Faith brings a constancy and continuity.  But where faith is, there is also doubt.  I don't have any real doubt about faith in God.  I do doubt my ability to live faithfully throughout the course of each day.  I once remarked to my spiritual director that for 23 hours a day, it is very easy to be faithful; that remaining hour for me calls into question those 23.  

A good friend invited me to take up dating again.  I have gone on one date since that invitation and it was amazingly awful.  This other person was very attractive and she was very intelligent.  But as the conversation went on, it seemed that she hated every thing that I valued.  It was not hard to see that this date would not lead to a followup date.  

Going on a date brought up for me thoughts of where dating has gone wrong for me.  I thought about my prior three relationships.  One came out of the fear of loneliness.  Another came out of rebound.  And one was a love I was not man enough to commit to.  

Dwelling on the past is never advisable.  Memories ought to be something that we look upon as the mile markers that help us to know where have been and to help orient us to where we are going.  But at the same time, Rafiki reminds us that the past can hurt.  

Memories feed into my real struggle with doubt.  I doubt whole notion that God has a plan for me or at least God's plan for me involves something along lines of loneliness and acceptance.  Father Brett Brannen wrote in his book, To Save a Thousand Souls, that a man cannot destroy his vocational call from God nor does God penalize not choosing to accept an obvious call.  I had a choice between pursuing discernment and pursuing a very real love.  

I made a choice that did not lead to seminary.  I made a choice that did not lead to pursuing that very real love.  I applied to a seminary and circumstances did not lead to an acceptance.  However, I did get a job offer to move.  I accepted this promotion and to pick up my life and leave that baggage behind.  

I did not really leave any baggage.  It came with me.  It's my constant companion.  I have not found peace in my circumstance.  Doubt really challenges me to live faithfully that I am moving forward and growing as faith should have me do.  When I am alone, loneliness covers my mind.   But this psalm, which coincidentally sourced a very popular Matt Redman song, makes me realize that my heart is longing for love.  But this love must be a love, deep and selfless, for my God.  

Better is one day in your courts than thousands elsewhere.  

Another Year

The disciples approached Jesus and said,
"Why do you speak to the crowd in parables?"
He said to them in reply,
"Because knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of heaven
has been granted to you, but to them it has not been granted.-Matthew 13:10-11

I have not posted a blog post in over a year.  Things that have changed over the past year are many and a single entry cannot catch up the highs and lows and everything in between.  But what has changed is that I have left Facebook and Twitter.  So there will be no advertising this post.  Congratulations if you find it.  

Today, I had a great phone call and a very bad phone call.  Not wanting to take the dessert, my mother called to tell me that my uncle had a massive heart attack.  He did not die.  He lives.  I spent a long time developing an indifference towards him for many years.  I can't even remember why he deserved such treatment.  I thought and thought about it.  My prayers are with him.  I will dedicate my praise this evening to him.  

Another call came this evening, from a FOCUS missionary I support.  We spoke for almost an hour.  She shared some of her stories of the past year.  She asked about my life and what was going on in my world.  What we shared with each other came as such a blessing.  I remembered that relationships and friendships require effort.  They require grace.  They require a selflessness that I have failed to embody over the past year.  

Today's gospel reading is a call to humility for me.  I have spent many years boasting of a wealth of knowledge about the Church.  Jesus' words to the disciples speak to me because I think that I may be among those whom he speaks of as not being granted knowledge of the mysteries of the Kingdom of Heaven.  If I did, I would probably live a significantly more virtuous life.   But there is joy in knowing that God's grace is more than my own selfishness.  

The Church calls us to a fulfilling participation in the sacramental life of the Church.  This also is an offer to receive the forgiveness and grace of Confession.  I get to say I am sorry to God for my mistakes.  This also means that I can say I am sorry to my friends and family too.  I am offered God's forgiveness.  I am also not guaranteed forgiveness from my friends.  

Tomorrow, I hope I can have the same conversion towards grace as I have often encountered in the past.  Love as I have loved you said the Lord.  I hope that I can be loving to others.  And definitely to myself.