Where Do I Fit In?

Today is Palm Sunday of the Lord’s Passion.  I was a lector for today’s Mass at my FOB in Afghanistan.  I have never been a lector for this Mass before and was struck by the readings.  As I read the first reading from the Prophet Isaiah and narrated the Passion of the Lord, I experienced this Mass in a whole new way.  And this will be the focus of my reflection today.  But there is more to consider in this blog entry.  I turned 31 yesterday.  And this Lenten season has brought into sharp relief my lack of interior movement on my vocation.  

I think the only way to really keep my reflections organized is to start with me and work my way out.  I think that is how we should sometimes consider discernment.  What is my heart and where does it fit in with where God wants it in this world?  I turned 31 yesterday.  Part of me likes the attention and that is only natural.  A simple “Happy Birthday” message on Facebook can be a demonstrative example of love.  As I have quoted many times, Holy Father, Pope John Paul II tells us Redemptor Hominis that we cannot live without love.  But I did not really focus on me as the day went on.  Being gone makes it very easy to think about what I’d be doing if I were home.  Such thoughts paved the way for memories.  I considered my older sister who passed three and a half years ago.  We were a little more than 11 months apart in age.  It became a tradition for us to celebrate that I was the same numerical age as her for 15 days and then celebrate that she was finally numerically older.  She was not a practical Catholic by the Church’s own teachings.  But she ascribed to Catholicism in name, just not in practice.  I guess she is like the seed sown on rocky soil.  The roots just could not get there.  I wonder how much of that is my own fault, but life is not meant considering the past.  But life is meant for prayer.  I pray for her soul often.  My mother once asked me if I believed she is in heaven.  I told her yes and I still have to believe it.  This Palm Sunday is where we see just how much God loved us.  God loves her just the same.  May God have mercy on her soul.  May God have mercy on your soul.  

The first reading from the Prophet Isaiah foreshadows how the one will suffer but still will be righteous in word and deed.  I read the words to the people gathered at the Mass and wondered about my own words and deeds.  I read aloud “the Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue.”  I’ve always felt that the Lord has given me a great ability to speak.  And so I read these words and felt convicted when I read aloud, “I have not rebelled” because I have.  I am a sinner that needs to be saved and these words from the Prophet currently don’t apply to me.  But perhaps after a life of penance and contrition, they might.  

I’ve heard the Passion narrated before.  I’ve seen many talks about the Passion of the Lord.  I’ve given talks about the passion of the Lord.  The story is not new to me but the experience of hearing about the Lord’s great saving act renews my hope to live and to love as Jesus did.  So today I spoke and listened most intently to the words from the Gospel of St Matthew.  Father’s homily spoke to me because he asked us to consider who we were in the story.  While this is typically a tool for lectio divina, it hit home for me personally because I felt like I was everybody but Jesus.  I felt like I was the betrayer and the denier.  I felt like I was the accuser and the striker.  I felt like I was the revolutionary crucified with him and the centurion.  I felt like everybody because I have done all of these and more.  And as I listen to the Passion again, I feel like the Apostles in the upper room, loved by the Lord in the Passover.  I feel like the women of Jerusalem who weep for the Lord.  I wonder why I can’t associate with the sacrifice of Christ?  I think I know just how unworthy I am.  I think I understand the greatness of my sin.  I don’t know the suffering of Christ.  In many ways, I don’t know Christ.  I increase my prayer life and dedicate more time to studying the scriptures and spiritual readings in hopes to know Christ.  I am slowly learning how to invite Jesus into my life permanently and not just short term during adoration or a retreat.  But give him back his place in my heart.  

And that brings me to vocation.  What has the Lord called me to?  Where do I fit in?  I have been considering this question for 13 years.  I have been asked if I can see myself as a husband and father.  I could see it but I don’t see it.  I know I am capable of loving so deeply because I have and do.  But what does the Lord want from me?  I cannot say that I know for sure.  But this I know for sure, Jesus speaks very plainly when he tells me to love as he loved.  And this simple statement is the most difficult to do.  Could I be a Catholic priest?  I want to be.  Or at least part of me wants to be.  Even though I have a priest here on my FOB who is working through his own struggles here, I still want it.  He thanked me and another gentleman the other night at Stations of the Cross for our witness to him.  But I will try to trust the Lord and hear him speak to me.  I will make a daily effort to thank him, to praise him and to listen to him.  If this is the road, then the journey will not be easy.  But I pray that the Lord will provide clarity and consolation.  I cannot ask for more.  

God Calling

Being deployed is a sacrifice.  I have learned through prior deployments that during the time away from home is where I gain a greater appreciation for the things I generally don’t get here.  Lent this season has called me out of the darkness and into the life of the Church.  

I downloaded an app onto my iPad called iBreviary a while back and did not really forgotten about it but I certainly did not utilize the program as I should have in the beginning of this tour.  I decided that as I was preparing for this deployment, compounded by the personal struggles I was already experiencing with having my single-ness confirmed, that I would be the Sergeant that my soldiers needed.  This in my mind was a call to the vulgar and the profane.  I allowed pornography back into my life because for many of the men here, it part of their life.  As a few blog entries before, I also learned that where sin runs deep, God’s grace is there all the more.  But it wasn’t until Lent came along that I opened my heart again once I discovered that a priest would making his residence among us here.  

The gift of the sacraments and their accessibility to me made manifest my cause to renew my faith.  While in confession, the Lord, through the priest, called me back to the Church’s prayer in the Liturgy of the Hours.  I have been making the hours but not as often as I’d like.  I try to make sure that at a very minimum I say Night Prayer.  I have found that my need for God’s grace and the strength to combat temptation is most needed when I am tired and sleepy.  I’ve also remembered my love of the Mass.  iBreviary also has the Missal with all the prayers for the Mass.  Not only can I read through the daily readings, but I can follow the prayers and make a spiritual communion with the greater Church.  Interestingly enough, that brings me to this reflection on today’s readings.

Thematically speaking, the readings today are about God calling.  God is calling Abraham to be the father of nations.  God the Son is calling the Jews to know him.  The Church has long advocated that we must have a friendship with God through the person of Jesus.  Jesus is the word by which we live.  

The Old Testament reading introduces the concept of friendship with God.  However, the Old Testament author chooses much more authoritative wording.  The first reading details for us the goodness of God to our father in faith, Abraham.  He explains just how greatly will Abraham will be blessed.  And then, spoken to Abraham, but also spoken through the fullness of time to us, he says that “you and your descendants after you must keep my covenant throughout the ages.”  This is the call to us to continue to remember.  We must call to mind that our faith and our friendship with God is not myopic.  I have learned quite clearly that I cannot delegate God to a particular time or circumstance in my life.  God calls and does not stop being God or let me stop being his child because I am deployed.

The Gospel today entertained me greatly and at the same time called me out.  Jesus is speaking to the people and does as he has done throughout his public ministry by stating that belief in him merits eternal life.  But he also speaking metaphorically but I will get to that.  The first thing I noticed first was that his own people said that he must be possessed.  This was interesting because Jesus is speaking and the people make accusations against him because he his words begin to hit close to home.  The next thing that stood out to me in this passage is that Jesus does not deviate from his message.  He is the way to life and goes to far as to outrightly say that he is God.  I imagined that during this scene Jesus makes his great claim and the Jews in the height of their anger all pick up stones.  Just as the stones are about to be thrown, Jesus just walks away.  The scriptures say he “hid” and then left.  I don’t imagine that the temple area lends itself to hiding.  I am sure that the evangelist is alluding to a divine act by God to save his son for the appointed hour of his death which redeems us all.  

The scriptures call us to friendship with God.  Jesus tells us that keeping his word will keep us from seeing death.  Temporal death is all but certain for us as our God is a just God.  However, we are still brought into eternity and into life through the sacrifice of Jesus.  It is this time of Lent where we embrace fasting, prayer and almsgiving.  These are the principal actions of the season which encourage us to participate in the life of the Church.  These actions also help encourage us to unite our sufferings with the sufferings of Jesus.  We cannot save ourselves, but Jesus offers us salvation by having faith in him.  

Jesus wants more than to just save us.  He desires a friendship with us.  No one cares more for our joys and pains, delights and sorrows, than the Lord.  All the things of this world can be passed along to him.  Our burdens he offers to bear and he offers to share in our joys.  He loves us and it is natural to love him back.  So naturally, this love begins with friendship.

Technological Aid

Sometimes, I marvel at just how technology is involved in our lives.  My car at home has a USB port where I can connect my iPhone.  My TV, sound system and DVD player sync through HDMI cables.  My computer connects seemingly miraculously through the air to wireless networks to the internet.  Technology has even begun to alter the social construct of interpersonal communication.  I am not particularly interested in the ins and outs.  I am also not even concerned with having the latest and greatest gadgets.  I know when I get home that my phone will be three or four generations old.  It still works and I am happy about that.  What I am not happy about is how easily technology invites sin and temptation into my life.  

The internet has made pornography instantly accessible to anybody.  At this time, I am convinced that pornography is only unavailable to those who actively choose to not to entertain it.  I have chosen to make myself unavailable to it.  There are many men in the unit who don't struggle with porn but invite it into their lives.  I think at the moment I am the only one trying to avoid it.  It is also interesting to be the only person in my platoon that actively seeks to go to church at all.  I am sure that many of these guys pray when they think about it and many have yet to come to experience Jesus.  

But I actively seek Jesus and that has set me apart.  I wouldn’t say I’ve encountered persecution because of my faith but faith has become the butt of a joke or two.  Rather than become offended, I roll with it.  I have become convinced of the greatness of God and the greatness of his strength and mercy.  God does not need me to aggressively defend him.  God does not need anything from me at all.  But God does call me to witness to his love and mercy.  The other day, I made sure to let my leadership know that I was planning on going to Mass.  One of my leaders said, “well that’s stupid.”  I simply replied, “I know, but I need it all the same.”  And that was the end of it.  I am sure that it was only said to get a rise out of me so I don’t let it bother me.  

I want people to encounter authenticity of faith when they encounter me.  I am not her to win converts, though I would not mind it.  My goal is not necessarily to get others to become Catholic, but rather to build my relationship with Jesus in such a way that it attracts other people to want and build a relationship with him as well.  My strength and resolve to do this comes from the Mass and reconciliation.  And thanks to technology, and that there is an app for that, I can pray through the Mass when I cannot go to the Mass (but I still have to wait for a priest for confession).  And that is what I have done today.  

It is interesting how the Collect, the prayer following the confiteor in the opening of the Mass, is like a teaser for the Mass.  The Collect today asks that the Lord grant us “perseverance in obeying your will, that in our days the people dedicated to your service may grow in both merit and number.”  The first theme in the prayer which we will find in the readings is perseverance.  The second theme is the fruit of evangelization of holy people.  Before I reflect on those two themes for today, I’d like to note that the Collect for today is also a humble prayer that reminds us as we share those words who exactly is responsible for the conversion of souls.  The prayer reminds us that we ask the Lord to strengthen us to do his will and that our holy example inspires others to follow the Lord as well.  God can changes hearts, but I cannot.  God can save souls, but I cannot.  God can do all things, but I can only trust and follow the Lord.  

The first reading from the Book of Numbers gives to us the theme of perseverance.  The Israelites complained to the Lord and the Lord disciplined them.  I once had a friend tell me that if you show yourself (negatively) to your boss, he will show you exactly who he is.  God showed the Israelites who he was when he led them from slavery and through the desert.  God did not want that the Israelites should die but it seems that for the Israelites, and I find it is true for me as well, that I can only see the love and mercy of God when something good happens after something very bad.  For the Israelites it was the snakes.  Upon repentance, the Lord gave them healing from snakebites.  

The Gospel for today is Jesus speaking to the Pharisees and he telling them who he is and who they are.  Jesus is distinguishing between his divine, yet human nature and the  human nature of the Pharisees.  Where he goes, the Pharisees cannot.  But if they believe in him, they will live.  If they don’t, then they will die in sin.  He spoke and many came to believe.  His words indicated a perseverance in faith despite the fact that he will be lifted up, which we know today is his reference to his own death.  The fruit of the discourse by Jesus was that many came to believe.  

Perhaps, in our own Catholic way, by imitating the Lord’s example and living in humility and charity, many will come to know Jesus and believe in him.  

God, Forgive Me

This Monday in the fifth week of Lent has readings that strike me very close to home.  I ordinarily select a quote from the readings to reflect upon and put out what I think I would say if I were a priest giving a homily.  What person does that?  I have had dreams where I was saying the Mass.  I have also dreamt that I was being ordained a bishop.  Why would anybody even admit to something like that?  I have spent my entire life since my conversion to Catholicism thinking about priesthood.  I’ve never dated a girl and thought about marrying her.  I’ve only thought about marrying after a break-up or marrying somebody who I was not with.  How does this relate to the readings today?  Well they don’t but they do.  

I don’t think that a particular scripture contradicts that God is calling us to live holy and virtuous lives.  The scriptures today are about integrity and purity.  These readings explicitly call us to avoid lust and sexual temptation.  The integrity, I think is a bit more hidden than the actual sin of lust in these readings.  In the first, Susanna chooses to trust the Lord and tells the truth to the judges as to what happened in the garden.  She refuses to be extorted into having sex; she refuses to be raped.  Integrity is reinforced by the courageous act of holding to the truth.  And she is eventually vindicated and absolved upon further scrutiny of her situation.  

In the Gospel reading for today, Jesus speaks to us about exploitative lust.  But he does not focus on the sin, however, he does not take away from sin.  Jesus does what Jesus does.  He takes the sin and he provides healing.  Rather than condemn the woman, Jesus calls her to repentance and offers her healing.  He calls out those who would condemn her and simply states that the one without sin may cast the first stone.  The accusers act with integrity and put down the stones and walk away.  

Lust and integrity.  In order to conquer lustful temptations has to begin with integrity.  I have to admit that I am tempted with lustful thoughts.  I then have to admit that I have acted upon those thoughts.  Next, I have to be sorry.  The final step is to admit that I have to take action.  That action is confession, preferably the sacramental variety.

I think I was 11 or 12 when I was first exposed to hardcore pornography.  I might have been younger.  I also remember my first encounter with masturbation.  It was not actually from the porn, it was a family friend who introduced this to me.  It was about the same time.  I guess the real truth is that, if my estimates are close, that I’ve spent about 60% of my life battling sin.  20% of my life was in the darkness and not knowing how I was undermining my life.  40% was spent still battling the sin and hiding it.  And today, I just put this out for whoever to find it that I am probably a liar.  I spent so much time hiding this behind a facade of holiness.  

I have spent so much of my life seeking God.  That is true.  I chose a child to follow Jehovah’s Witnesses because it gave me a model for prayer and faith.  I would participate in Gospel bible studies because we have to study the word of God.  And then, I was overcame by the sin that was already in my life.  It is amazing how the truth given to us by God comes to us in the sacred scriptures.  “Where sin increased, grace overflowed all the more” (Romans 5:20).  While hiding these sins from the world, I have met with vocations directors but never applied to the seminary.  I’ve had two psych evaluations.  The first told me that I could never be celibate.  It was true.  Well, it was at the time.  I’ve been told that I must come to know self-mastery.  I have never been good at self control for anything.  

I actually told one of my soldiers on this deployment that he needed to get over his addiction to Monster energy drinks.  This young man is drinking multiple Monsters every day.  I told him outright that he had to come to know self mastery.  He has not had success.  How can I expect him to succeed at all at combating addictions when I myself haven’t really put any effort into defeating my own sins.  

I don’t remember anything very well unless it is a quote from a movie.  I only know is that the last time I went to confession was on March 28, 2014.  The last confession before that was before I mobilized to deploy which was on September 20, 2013.  Where sin runs deep, God’s grace is more.  How can I possibly feel “priestly” when I live with the knowledge that I have had sex and cannot determine the number of partners there are?  Augustinian conversions are rare but not impossible.  And with God all things are possible.  Fr Mitch Pacwa SJ, tells me that to hear God, I have to know him.  Well, I know of God.  I begin to wonder if I know God.  I feel like the pastor in the Left Behind books.  

I know i have missed out.  I only wish I would have been so courageous as to have stayed closer to the faith after my conversion.  I wish I could have been a better and holier person.  I wish Jesus would have spoken to me 13 years ago tell me to ‘go and sin no more.’  The reality is that Jesus did and I wasn’t listening.  I was busy hearing friends place me upon a sanctimonious pedestal and pride keeping me there.  I couldn’t open my heart because it would have exposed the fraud.  But today there is no fraud because there is not much to hide.  I wanted to be a priest.  If I could hear God, would he still be calling?  I don’t know.  But one thing remains:  Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you and am no longer worth to be called your son.  May God have mercy on me, a sinner.  

A Day in the Life

Today is a Friday in Lent.  What does that look like?  I cannot remember what a Friday in Lent back home looks like.  I am sure it involves not eating meat.  I think the reason for that is because I can’t even remember here to not eat meat on a Friday in Lent.  Today, I have tried to keep the Lord ever on my mind through out the day and almost forgot to go to Stations of the Cross at a makeshift chapel on the FOB.  I am glad that I did go.  

I had a conversation with the priest because for about 20 or 25 minutes, we were the only ones in the chapel.  I asked him where he was from and tried to learn a little about him.  He is from Columbus, OH.  I am not even sure how to spell his name.  I told him that I think it is most difficult to be a deployed priest.  The soldier has his team, squad, platoon and company to rely upon.  The soldier has resources and a ready community.  The priest is not a soldier.  The priest might be part of the military but he is not a soldier.  He is the anti-soldier.  He is the one who does not carry the rifle or the gun.  He carries the cross of Christ.  We can make semantical arguments over God’s choice of weapons but the priest is not one who engages in hostilities but supports the people whose choices have led them to a place where we have to depend on their ability to defend them and us.  

But I am not here to discuss the role of the soldier but the need for the priest and the needs of the priest.  I need the priest.  I need the community of faith.  And I need the sacraments.  It is one thing to academically know the communion of saints and faith of the Church, but it is another thing altogether to have to build the Church within a myopic sphere where control is not so easily wrested.  I spent so much time thinking of my own needs for the Church and my needs as a man of faith.  It occurred me today that there is a Church here.  The priest is a man here too.  He is a man of faith and needs our community as well.  What is the priest without a people to care for?  I have a duty to be front and center at the Mass when it is available here.  I am becoming more aware that the priest here also needs the community of faith.  He also needs the sacraments.  I told him that I think it is most difficult to be a deployed priest.

I am amazed in the clerical nature of routine for chaplains.  Our military communities have more turnover and changing of faces than ordinary parochial living.  Each person has their way of dealing with the world.  In my conversation today, I marveled at how well priests have to either remember people or humbly give the “Hey!  You...”  God has given me the grace to see people and to talk to people.  The priest said hey to me today and started about his business.  It was a simple conversation that began with a simple question about him and where he came from.  And he opened up.  I hope to continue this conversation on Sunday.  I want him to know that though I don’t share in the fraternity of presbyteral priesthood, I do share with him the fraternity of living as a military man far from home.  I share in the goal of living a holy life and finding God’s will for me.  But perhaps God’s will for me in this time is to just be a friend.  A Christian friend.  Perhaps, God wants me to live the Christ in me.  

The challenge of it all is to remember it clearly from when I wake up to when I fall asleep.  I can wake up and remember.  I know it clearly when I go to sleep.  I wish that every time I opened my mouth, that it is Jesus speaking through me.  I need to be humble and contrite.  

To be anything for God, I have to be something to myself.  God makes the something of me.  I am the clay for the potter.  I am.  Let me be forever beholden to the great I AM.