Where Do I Fit In?

Today is Palm Sunday of the Lord’s Passion.  I was a lector for today’s Mass at my FOB in Afghanistan.  I have never been a lector for this Mass before and was struck by the readings.  As I read the first reading from the Prophet Isaiah and narrated the Passion of the Lord, I experienced this Mass in a whole new way.  And this will be the focus of my reflection today.  But there is more to consider in this blog entry.  I turned 31 yesterday.  And this Lenten season has brought into sharp relief my lack of interior movement on my vocation.  

I think the only way to really keep my reflections organized is to start with me and work my way out.  I think that is how we should sometimes consider discernment.  What is my heart and where does it fit in with where God wants it in this world?  I turned 31 yesterday.  Part of me likes the attention and that is only natural.  A simple “Happy Birthday” message on Facebook can be a demonstrative example of love.  As I have quoted many times, Holy Father, Pope John Paul II tells us Redemptor Hominis that we cannot live without love.  But I did not really focus on me as the day went on.  Being gone makes it very easy to think about what I’d be doing if I were home.  Such thoughts paved the way for memories.  I considered my older sister who passed three and a half years ago.  We were a little more than 11 months apart in age.  It became a tradition for us to celebrate that I was the same numerical age as her for 15 days and then celebrate that she was finally numerically older.  She was not a practical Catholic by the Church’s own teachings.  But she ascribed to Catholicism in name, just not in practice.  I guess she is like the seed sown on rocky soil.  The roots just could not get there.  I wonder how much of that is my own fault, but life is not meant considering the past.  But life is meant for prayer.  I pray for her soul often.  My mother once asked me if I believed she is in heaven.  I told her yes and I still have to believe it.  This Palm Sunday is where we see just how much God loved us.  God loves her just the same.  May God have mercy on her soul.  May God have mercy on your soul.  

The first reading from the Prophet Isaiah foreshadows how the one will suffer but still will be righteous in word and deed.  I read the words to the people gathered at the Mass and wondered about my own words and deeds.  I read aloud “the Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue.”  I’ve always felt that the Lord has given me a great ability to speak.  And so I read these words and felt convicted when I read aloud, “I have not rebelled” because I have.  I am a sinner that needs to be saved and these words from the Prophet currently don’t apply to me.  But perhaps after a life of penance and contrition, they might.  

I’ve heard the Passion narrated before.  I’ve seen many talks about the Passion of the Lord.  I’ve given talks about the passion of the Lord.  The story is not new to me but the experience of hearing about the Lord’s great saving act renews my hope to live and to love as Jesus did.  So today I spoke and listened most intently to the words from the Gospel of St Matthew.  Father’s homily spoke to me because he asked us to consider who we were in the story.  While this is typically a tool for lectio divina, it hit home for me personally because I felt like I was everybody but Jesus.  I felt like I was the betrayer and the denier.  I felt like I was the accuser and the striker.  I felt like I was the revolutionary crucified with him and the centurion.  I felt like everybody because I have done all of these and more.  And as I listen to the Passion again, I feel like the Apostles in the upper room, loved by the Lord in the Passover.  I feel like the women of Jerusalem who weep for the Lord.  I wonder why I can’t associate with the sacrifice of Christ?  I think I know just how unworthy I am.  I think I understand the greatness of my sin.  I don’t know the suffering of Christ.  In many ways, I don’t know Christ.  I increase my prayer life and dedicate more time to studying the scriptures and spiritual readings in hopes to know Christ.  I am slowly learning how to invite Jesus into my life permanently and not just short term during adoration or a retreat.  But give him back his place in my heart.  

And that brings me to vocation.  What has the Lord called me to?  Where do I fit in?  I have been considering this question for 13 years.  I have been asked if I can see myself as a husband and father.  I could see it but I don’t see it.  I know I am capable of loving so deeply because I have and do.  But what does the Lord want from me?  I cannot say that I know for sure.  But this I know for sure, Jesus speaks very plainly when he tells me to love as he loved.  And this simple statement is the most difficult to do.  Could I be a Catholic priest?  I want to be.  Or at least part of me wants to be.  Even though I have a priest here on my FOB who is working through his own struggles here, I still want it.  He thanked me and another gentleman the other night at Stations of the Cross for our witness to him.  But I will try to trust the Lord and hear him speak to me.  I will make a daily effort to thank him, to praise him and to listen to him.  If this is the road, then the journey will not be easy.  But I pray that the Lord will provide clarity and consolation.  I cannot ask for more.