Dying With Grace: A Reflection On Hope

When Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him,

she fell at his feet and said to him,

“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

When Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come with her weeping,

he became perturbed and deeply troubled,

and said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Sir, come and see.”

And Jesus wept. 

So the Jews said, “See how he loved him.”-John 11:32-36

I have been putting off this blog entry for some time because I knew it would be a piece that would convict me and call me to deeper holiness in my witness to my faith.  I also knew that it would require me to visit my heart and grieve for my beloved family members who have returned to God from this earthly life.  Death is not a very fond topic for many to discuss.  However, amid sadness and grief, the Christian hope is predicated on the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, through which we come to understand the nature of death. 

The scripture passage for reflection on this topic is from the Gospel of Saint John.  In the passage, Jesus is with his disciples when hears that his dear friend, Lazarus, is sick.  Jesus remains with his disciples.  However, he is asked if he will go to Lazarus, to which Jesus replies that Lazarus is already dead.  A few more days pass and Jesus heads to visit Mary and Martha, they each greet Jesus and they each tell him that if he were there, Lazarus would still be alive.  While the story is ultimately about how Jesus brings Lazarus back to life, I would like to focus on how Jesus grieves for his friend and then reflect on the Church’s teaching for death and life. 

The culture in America tends to hold an oxymoronic view of death.  Americans tend to view death with a near perfect taboo type of status which defies the universality of death for every American.  Also, the culture encourages people to resist grief by calling it “being strong” while at the same embracing that every does need to grieve “in their own way.” 

The shortest verse in scripture is “Jesus wept.”  This statement is the most perfect imprimatur (imprimatur is the acceptance or guarantee that something is of a good standard) from Jesus that we can grieve for loved ones when they die.  The scriptures tell us Jesus experienced a profound sadness in this moment of grief for his friend.  The Church teaches us that the imitation of Christ is the goal of every Christian.  It is proper to grieve and express our sadness when we lose a loved one.  So if sadness comes, be sad.  If grief brings emotions, express them.  But there is a caution.

Anger is an appropriate response to evil.  But death is not, itself, evil.  Death came as a response to sin.  As death is the natural enemy of life, death is our enemy too.  Jesus came so that we might have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).  So desiring life is a good thing.  Wanting to live is a good thing.  The unnecessary ending of life is a bad thing.  Disease is a bad thing. 

Being Catholic has many meanings.  One of the great things about Catholicism is veneration of the Saints (which cannot be any more different than worship).  This blog entry is not about apologetics on saints but I need to make a point.  Asking for a saint’s intercession recognizes three distinct realities for the faithful:  1) people will die; 2) there is life after death; and 3) we share in this hope for life and believe in life everlasting.  The Church teaches that “Heaven is the ultimate end and fulfillment of the deepest human longings, the state of supreme, definitive happiness” (Catechism of the Catholic Church 1024). 

The Church also teaches that there are two judgments for man.  The first is the “particular” judgment which occurs at death.  This is essentially the judgment that determines heaven, hell and purgatory.  Saint John of the Cross tells us that “at the evening of life, we shall be judged on our love” (Dichos de Luz y Amor 64).  This hearkens to the Gospel of Saint John where Jesus tells us “Love as I have loved you” (John 15:12).  It is also worthy to note that we are not “saved” by any of our own actions or faith.  Salvation rests solely with the mercy of God. 

The “Final Judgment” is the second judgment where the whole people of God experience the resurrection and experience the coming of the kingdom of God.  This final judgement gives man the hope of the coming of the Lord and fullness of eternity.  We all will experience the judgement of God.  As Jesus has laid it out criteria for salvation (Matthew 25: 31-46), I know I have failed and deserve to be laid with the goats for eternal punishment.  But there is hope.

I need the prayers of the faithful.  I need the guidance of the saints.  I cannot save myself.  I trust and hope in the love and mercy of God.  Because of my hope, when my beloveds pass from this earth into the Father’s care, I grieve with the hope of the resurrection and pray for the mercy of God.  When I die, if there are any who find me beloved, may they hope in the resurrection and pray for God’s infinite mercy on this sinner’s soul.

There Is Hope For Me

In the world, you will have trouble, but take courage

I have overcome the world.  – John 16:33

The struggles with sin and temptation are a reality for me.  The past few days have been a whirlwind of grace and mercy from God, foremost, and from my friends.  In revealing my past sins to my friends did not create a divide or a division, but rather reconciliation and an outpouring of love. 

I must also include a supplement to an earlier post.  I titled the post “Porn Ruined My Vocation.”  Sin does separate me from God.  However, sin cannot ruin my vocation.  God’s love and mercy is a gift.  St Paul tells me that where sin runs deep, God’s grace is more.  And with the example of the Saints (particularly Augustine who famously wrote “God grant me chastity, but not yet”), I believe that I can overcome sin and temptation.  I take solace in the scriptures selected today and affirm that God’s call for me is for me only requires my acquiescence to his love and mercy.

The scriptures tell us that the wage of sin is death.  And for the sins we have committed, our earthly bodies will pass from this world and enter the judgment of God.  We entrust those who have passed to God’s mercy because the scriptures also tell us those who hope in God “[make themselves] pure, as he is pure” (1 John 3:3). 

But for me personally, I struggle to reveal the darkness of my sins because of shame.  Shameful behavior causes me to hide because I do not want to appear as a failure.  But how do I embrace the mercy of God, and the mercy of my friends, if I cannot allow myself to be reconciled through confession?  I bring another confession to light. 

A grave sin of mine is pride.  Pride is a sin that also reveals itself in my shame.  One of the causes of this pride is vanity.  I have often spoken of my own intellectual vanity.  I have a deep desire to not just always be right but to also appear to be more intelligent than those around me.  This sin impacts me and my community.

The first impact of this sin in my own life is that it deprives me of being like Jesus.  Jesus came, lived, and died with perfect humility.  Pride and vanity are the opposites of this virtue.  These sins place me above all other things.  By degrading the people near to me, whether they are aware of it or not, is itself an act of attempted murder of their being.  God create each person good and with a dignity which commands respect.  My own sinfulness deprives them of the respect due to their own personal dignity. 

This past Sunday, I had the privilege to escort an extraordinary Catholic woman to Mass, lunch, and holy hour with the Blessed Sacrament.  The beauty of this encounter is that I could only engage this person with humility.  The ability to pray with another person is a gift from God.  Her gift to me was a religious experience that I would otherwise not have sought out.  Mass in another parish is an opportunity to worship with the greater community of faith.  Lunch was a continuation of this because we shared a pleasant conversation, much of which I have already lost to my own limited memory.  The Holy Hour was an additional grace that my own spiritual laziness would not have otherwise undertaken. 

But what I do recall is that as I dropped her off at the airport, she challenged me to more holy hours.  I am a difficult person and didn’t want to set myself up for failure, but she pressed on.  “God is beckoning you.”  Her words remain with me still.  “Beckoning me for what?”  Was my only response.  “You will see.” 

“See what love the Father has bestowed upon us that we may be called the children of God” (1 John 3:1).  I pray for strength and courage as I battle these temptations in my life with Jesus as my hope.  May I trust and hope in the words of Jesus:  In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have overcome the world.

Confession: Turn Around

Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn,

While the world rejoices; you will grieve,

But your grief will become joy. – John 16:20

Sadness and grief find their way into my life regularly.  I find sadness when I think about the family that has passed away.  I hope they are in heaven in restful joy.  This hope gives me joy.  So, in a personal way, I feel as though Jesus is talking directly to me in the scriptures just as he is talking to the disciples.  And the Church teaches that Jesus is talking to me. 

Faith is a desire of mine but faith is a gift from God.  I believe in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit.  And within this belief comes the invitation from God to embrace faith and renounce sin.  I have asked to enter spiritual formation and direction.  My hope for this is to recreate in my heart a welcoming place for Jesus.  I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I might be able to live virtuously. 

Where I am spiritually and emotionally is in a place where I am letting go of secrets.  A prior post I made a candid confession about some of my failings.  Today, I reveal my love of money.  When I was young, my family united to make it work out.  We had enough but not much of excess.  I was a fairly spoiled as a child which means that my sisters suffered for my selfishness and greed.  My younger sister required extra attention because she was nearly killed at 6 years old.  And, yet, I persisted in my greed and selfishness.  I ultimately would leave my mother for my father’s mother because I perceived a better opportunity for wealth. 

My internal conversion requires confession.  Eventually, as I continue to reveal more to the world, I will submit to a General Confession.  This General Confession will ask to me to confess all of sins.  But I desire holiness.  I desire to live such a life that will grant peace to my soul and eventually give me a peaceful death where I eventually hear “well done, good and faithful servant.” 

Confession is painful.  I have often commented how waiting for Confession can make me angry.  Why are these people taking so long?  Why is the line long?  And then, I remember that I am judging sinners who are seeking forgiveness.  My selfishness strikes again.  But confession is painful.  But as it is a sacrament, it is an encounter with Jesus. 

An encounter with Jesus doesn’t require anything but a willing spirit.  In my heart, I usually go to Confession knowing that I will encounter Jesus, and so I will enter this encounter reverently.  And so, I question how have I come to a place of desolation?  I vainly think that I am intelligent and in some respects, God has gifted me with a great ability to make connections fast.  Some have commented that this is itself is intelligence.  So, I reflect on this today:  How am I in desolation? 

Desolation is described by St Ignatius of Loyola in the Fourth Rule of his Spiritual Exercises as containing characteristics “such as darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to low and earthly things, disquiet from various agitations and temptations, moving to lack of confidence, without hope, without love, finding oneself totally slothful, tepid, sad, and, as if separated from one’s Creator and Lord.”  Within this definition, it is possible that I have spent the clear majority of my life in desolation.  I think that because I have spent most my life in selfishness, lustfulness, in lies, essentially in sin, that I may have chosen to live in desolation. 

Conversion is a metanoia.  Metanoia comes from a Greek word that literally means “to turn around.”  I am turning towards God.  I am afraid of what he says when I finally can hear his voice.  But Jesus says to me, “you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”