I Know You Are But What Am I?

I write to you not because you do not know the truth 

but because you do, and because every lie is alien to the truth.- 1 John 2:21

This is my first post in many months.  I hope to write about what has been going on but first, I want to talk about a thought that has been with me for some time.  

When I was in grade school, the kids gave me the nickname “chia” after the pottery product, Chia Pet.  I had hair that today makes me hearken to Harry Potter descriptions as dark and out of control.  Their nickname was not necessarily misplaced.  The point of this story is that kids say things that should really make us think as adults.  Our parents tell us to tell kids who pick on us that sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.  But what often comes out is I know you are but what am I?  

‘I know you are but what am I’?  This phrase has been on my heart so much lately.  I am in the process of beginning my application to seminary.  It seems that my prayer life has been so desolate and I am completely under spiritual attack often.  And yet, I cannot look to Jesus and say with all honesty, ‘I know you are but what am I’?  

The scripture readings for the day before the feast of Mary, Mother of God, begins with a passage from the first letter of Saint John.  In this passage, he directs the children to beware for people who are posing as saviors.  He also gives this same warning to us.  He tells us that we have been anointed by Christ, recalling our baptism in the same Christ our Lord.  The Church teaches that through the Holy Spirit that we are given gifts and this passage specifically references the gift of knowledge.  We can know that God is God.  

The Gospel also calls to mind the divine nature of Jesus as we hear the opening verses of Saint John’s Gospel.  The Word was with God and the Word was God.  May the Lord help us to remember who he is.  And in the throes of the struggles of every life, it is easy to think that the struggle that I face, and all people face, is the temptation to forget that Jesus is always present to us.  And when life falls apart and the struggles overwhelm me, I cry to Jesus for help.  

When things are good and bad, I pray that I can cry out to Jesus:  I know you are but what am I.  And in his loving kindness, may He tell me who I am.

Kill It!!!

‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; 

I no longer deserve to be called your son.’

But his father ordered his servants, 

‘Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; 

Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.

Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. 

Then let us celebrate with a feast,

because this son of mine was dead, 

and has come to life again; 

he was lost, and has been found.’  - Luke 15:21-24

I’ve been contemplating the story of the Prodigal Son according to the Gospel of St Luke during my morning holy hour.  I am quite rusty at my practice of Lectio Divina.  I have also been lacking in posting reflections to my blog as well.  

Jesus is teaching the people through parables.  Jesus also speaks to us as well.  In the parable of the prodigal son, we focus on a selfish and greedy son who demands his inheritance and then leaves his father and older brother.  He goes and spends all his money in a foreign land and ends up having to hire himself out.  He realizes his folly when he becomes jealous that pigs have enough to eat while he himself suffers to try to get by.  He goes home and offers to serve his father.  He is forgiven and his father offers a feast for his son who is alive again.  The older brother freaks out and refuses to participate even though his father pleads with him.  

The story of the younger son seems to pique our interest because it is very relatable in the context of today’s culture.  The younger son has an entitled mentality and demands his living.  He then takes his money and splurges himself with various carnal pleasures.  He eventually blows through his money because of this frivolity.  He goes home humbled.  He finds mercy from his father.  This is what we find from Jesus.  

The Lord gives us free will so that we can selflessly choose him.  The Lord does not coerce us into serving him and love, by its very nature, cannot be coercive.  I know that I often, by my actions, tell the Lord that I want my inheritance and I go out and do what I want.  And I realize my error, I come back to the Lord in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  I say to the Lord, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.  Have mercy on me a sinner.’  And the Lord, in his love and mercy, takes me back and calls me to resume my friendship with him.  

My contemplation focused on the older brother.  Where was the older brother when the younger demanded his share of the estate?  How is it possible that the older brother misses a party thrown in the big house while he is in the field?  I realize from the older brother’s reaction to his brother’s return that he is fully aware of everything that is going on.  The older brother has an interest in how his father divides the estate.  So he sees when his brother leaves, what his share would have looked like.  What he saw was enough to convince him to stay and do as he was told.  The older brother appears like the good guy; he says what needed to be said and does what needed to be done.  However, it is when the younger brother comes home, that we see what lurks in the heart of the older brother.  The father sees the son, runs to him and gives him the best robe in the house.  It is problem adorned with jewels and threads of precious metals.  He gets a ring, probably with the family crest on it which symbolizes his return.  And he is given sandals.  The father orders a feast for the return of the son.  The older brother is angry and refuses to enter the house.  It seems that he is jealous and angry at the charity and mercy shown to his younger brother.  He seems greedy because he is upset that his father never gave him so much as a goat.  And the father compassionately points out that all he has is to be inherited by the older brother.  Why is this so upsetting for the older brother?  I think that he is upset because he thinks the repentant brother is going to carve into his inheritance.  Again the same entitled mentality that plagued the younger brother is also present in the older brother.  

What I want to reflect on today is the older brother.  I think the older brother’s behavior should be a warning to me and all people of good will.  The brother is obedient and dutiful.  He does what he is told and fulfills his obligations.  But his heart is selfish and lacks love and mercy.  And thus the warning to me seems to be that I should constantly reflect upon my actions and words and review their source.  Do I perform my tasks and endeavors with a heart of love and mercy, or are they for selfish reasons?  The Lord wants his people to seek him with their whole heart out of love for him.  The Lord does not want us to do “Christian things” because we think we can earn salvation.  And so, with each passing day, I pray for the strength and grace to love Jesus so much that he is the source of everything I say and do.  

And if I fail to love as I should, may we be welcomed by God, the Father, back into his love and life.  Through his love and mercy, my I be brought to new life.  May he tell the servants when he sees me to get that calf and kill it.  

I Am Nothing Special

Amen, I say to you, 

whatever you did for one of these 

least brothers of mine, you did for me. - Matthew 25:40

This is the first post in over a month.  What has changed and what is new for me, I’m unsure how it will play out in this sphere of blogging.  I have been home for just over a month and I have found myself to be in a great state of consolation in the Lord.  I am at peace with where my life is at and how each day unfolds.  

Despite a rigorous tour of the East coast from Pennsylvania to Florida, I am still quite full of energy but controlled and structured in my daily patterns.  I enjoy waking up and look forward to the day.  This past week, a very close friend and I have taken to offering a Holy Hour in adoration to start our day.  We pray in the divine office during this hour and have even had our prayer affirmed during this time.  May God have mercy on our souls.  After the office, we then head to daily Mass.  From thence, we begin our day.  He has been working quite diligently as a laborer and I have been volunteering my time at the Church.  

What has changed is my lack of desire to watch TV.  I don’t avoid TV and watch it every once in a while.  I don’t have cable or satellite, which is new for me.  I also read more now than I have before.  

But onto the scripture for the day.  Today, I would like to use this scripture from the Gospel of Saint Matthew.  Jesus is speaking of the judgment of the nations.  Jesus also tells me, and us, what the Church has come to identify as the corporal works of mercy as the criteria for salvation.  

I had a priest tell me recently in confession that he was nothing special.  And yet, my priest is incredibly special to me.  I struggled with his own confession that he was nothing special.  So I took the dictionary to see if he had a context that I was unaware of.  My dictionary tells me special has these definitions:  a) better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual; b) exceptionally good or precious; c) belonging specifically to a particular person or place; d) designed or organized for a particular person, purpose, or occasion; e) (of a subject) studied in particular depth; f) used to denote education for children with particular needs.  When I consider the Church and humanity, I understand that he is not ‘better, greater, or otherwise different from what is usual.’  To believe anything other than that risks falling into the great temptation demonstrated first by the Apostles where they would argue about who was greater.  But, I would argue that on the basis of ordination to the ministerial priesthood that all priests are precious (b) and belonging specifically to a particular person or place (c [belonging to Jesus and the Church]).  The best part of this is his demonstrated humility through it all.  I have concluded that this humility is knowing one is special (b & c above) but not assenting to it.  Essentially it is what I have heard from many sources:  Humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.  

I think the selfless and selfish traits of people are learned behaviors.  I don’t have any formal education to affirm or deny this but I do have the experiences from my family and friends and my soldiers.  In my observations, I have come to understand that the formation of virtues rests with the first catechists, the parents.  Many of my friends have children.  I have been told that children, and observed, that babies and little kids are very helpless and need just about everything given to them.  It is my conclusion that if the parents don’t open the child’s world to selflessness that this self-centered trait will continue.  I often consider that I am a good witness to the propagation of this theory.  It has been through a great reformation, as it were.  

One of my first examples of solid Catholic Christian formation was the Archbishop of Denver.  I will tell of one story from 13 years ago.  In this, the Archbishop exemplified the Gospel in his witness and example while at the same time fulfilling (to me, at least) the criteria of Matthew 25:35.  Jesus said, “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me.”  My best friend during senior year in High School applied for seminary.  The seminary accepted him.  Just before his first semester, the Archbishop invited him and the first year seminarians to his home for a barbecue cookout as a summer send off to the seminary.  My friend does not get five minutes from his home before his car breaks down while he was on the way to this dinner.  He calls me and I do not hesitate to pick him up.  It’s been 13 years and the details of this day were hazy but I am now questioning why I accompanied him to the door of the Archbishop’s residence.  13 years later, I have concluded that it was because I wanted to know what time I needed to collect my friend after his dinner.  The story has not really changed how I’ve told it over the years, but then again, I never really shared it from 2005-2012.  I don’t think it has changed.  *(Back to the story.)*  The Archbishop, himself, answers the door.  This was surprising to me.  I ask my question of when I need to be back to pick him up and I am not sent away with a time but rather I am invited in.  I am a stranger and welcomed into this man’s home.  I am brought to the table and fed.  I am offered a cup and given drink.  

The Archbishop has always been a great example to me.  13 years later, I am only now realizing at age 31, I am realizing that I am called to be an example to others.  This is what I understand as God’s call to me in ministry.  What I understand as God’s call to imitate Jesus is living authentic relationships founded in Christ.  I have given to God the current academic year in service to my Church on the LifeTeen Core Team at my parish.  May God allow me to love the teens and fulfill his requirements Jesus needs me to fulfill.  And through it all, may I always remember, “whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me.”

My Pathological Need For Communion

The Church is all about communion.  Communion with Jesus.  Communion with each other.  I am, and forever will be, dependent on communion.  I need my friends and my family and my faith.  My Platoon Sergeant even gave me a Christian Soldier challenge coin to commemorate this tour where he gave me so much crap about faith, in jest, and I took it all in stride.  I am set to return to Denver very imminently and the reality is setting in that we are going home.  It is comforting to know that I mattered and he cares.

It seems that throughout my life, I have always had somebody to talk to.  During this tour, my most faithful correspondents were my friend, Lauren, and my boss, Betsy.  Before this tour, Lauren and I regularly exchanged emails during the workday to pass the more stressful times by focusing on the better things in life.  During the last tour, Lauren was also very good at sending me emails to keep me up to speed on home.  For the few years before the last tour, I had my good friend Phil living with me and we had some seriously epic conversations.  Before that, there was Derek who was practically implacable since Basic Training.  During my first semester at college, I had Peggy.  

Last night, I had a long phone call with my mother.  It took me over two weeks to talk to my mom since coming back to the States, and I am still not home yet.  Peggy’s family has been our family friend for decades that precede my own birth.  When I was younger, I used to spend weeks of my summer vacation with her grandparents.  At first, they pawned me off on her because they figured that I would not want to spend my summer with them.  Her grandfather was homebound with terminal COPD.  Peggy and I would usually go to the beach with some of her friends.  It would not take long for me to develop an attraction to her and her lifestyle.  She seemed pretty care free and appeared to have a good time most days.  

I learned that I was just a little too young to really be on her radar.  Fast forward a few years and we become AOL chat buddies.  I used to stay up late at college in the computer lab at the dorm and chat for all hours of the night with her.  After that first semester and basic training, I fell out of touch with her.  After my first tour, I visited her grandmother and saw her only briefly.  It became quickly apparent that I was still just some visage of a family legacy that was dying.  After a marriage and dissolution for her, we reconnect briefly again and I learn that she has a son.  My life quickly went through its own challenges with my two run-ins with the law.  During my second tour, we reconnected again, albeit briefly, diving into the truth of the decade prior.  How I felt, how she did not feel, and generally exchanged encouraging messages back and forth.  I always told her that she and her family were very important to me.  I came home on leave and met her for lunch on the way to see my family.  We had a good lunch conversation, just like old times with a little more ‘tension.’

Two weeks later, I was back in North Carolina because my sister had passed away.  During one of my first conversations with her on the phone while back, I learned that she had developed feelings.  I quickly became a bastard to her because I would not leave my family to see her during our real difficulty.  In many respects, I was a bastard because I talked to her on Facebook.  I sensed that our dynamic had changed but did nothing to quell the ‘tension’ I helped to create a few weeks before.  The reason I did not pursue anything was because I, myself, developed a great attraction over Facebook during that second deployment.  

One of the most difficult things during a deployment is being so disconnected from home.  Emails and Facebook are great tools to stay in touch.  I think it is easy to say from four years in the future that I fell in love for the first time.  I felt more for someone else than I did for myself.  Up until that point, relationships were a means to an end whether or not I was really aware of that at a surface level.  I would have done well in Victorian England because all of my relationships before I was 27 were about what they could do for me.  My first girlfriend was not really about attraction or compatibility but rather about having the title of ‘boyfriend.’  The second was about having a greater standing in my social circle in High School because she was one of the centers of that circle.  The next girlfriend was about sex.  And my dysfunctional relationships continued along selfish lines.  But I changed with her.  I would do what I thought would please her but at the same time did not deal with my issues from the second tour.  

I did not really believe that I was that messed up after the first deployment and the law broke my feelings of invincibility but I didn’t change.  After the second, I could not hide that I had reflexes and reactions that were violent.  The second tour was violent.  We dealt with soldiers getting blown up, and soldiers from our base getting killed.  Blackouts for notifications were not frequent but they happened enough to keep us on guard.  My soldiers had to repair bases that experienced catastrophic damage from assaults.  My own actions and aggressions even appeared at the office during the first few months of my new job at the time.  But for the most part, she was there through all of that.  I should have known how much she cared when she sheltered me in Denver right before my sister’s funeral when my family sent me away for a few days because I was just too angry for them to deal with at that difficult time.  But I ruined that, of course.  Over time, my behavior became too much and I was alone.  

I ached over the loss of her.  I dated one other after her and that relationship did not last.  My own thoughts though faded drifted around.  The girlfriend at the time did every thing she could for me but it wasn’t enough and we separated after a week of real arguments about me and my life.  I felt bad for that relationship because I knew somewhere deep that was not what I wanted.  

I still was wounded from her and it showed in the next relationship.  I could have never dreamed that she would call just a few months later and we caught up real fast.  I tried to prove my worth and how much I had grown.  We went out a lot and from the outside we were together but the deep and lasting commitment was not there.  Before her first call that year, I volunteered for another deployment more out of guilt for the relationship after her.  She took my mind off most of that guilt and even talked deep with me about it one night when she called me out on hiding my thoughts and feelings.  She challenged me to be better.  But, this is me and I would eventually ruin this good thing by getting selfish.  I thought about me in the weeks preceding my ship date to the new unit.  I was more concerned about me than her.  It’s a good thing she was not committed like I wanted her to be because of my selfishness.  I justified it in my mind because I thought I was being selfless by doing every thing she’d let me during her struggle with me, us, and my upcoming departure.  But in the end, selfishness tanked any hope that I may have had for anything.  When will I learn the lasting goodness of selflessness?

As I have freely admitted in entries before this one, I am fearful about going home to my life.  It will not look like what I left.  Dozens of coworkers have moved on.  My friends have moved on.  I assume she has moved on.  In eight months, I have received a brief comment.  Not much to go off, but good for her.  She has a great head on her shoulders and is very business savvy; she will be good (and Maroon 5, ‘she will be loved’).  

This long entry is a result of my phone call with my mom because mom assumed that she and I were still talking.  She said that she is probably excited that I am coming home.  I had to express my doubts and reveal my own faults just before the deployment.  Mom and I talked about my sisters, Peggy and her family, my family and some other things.  And I think.  So this is my thoughts.  I need my friends and family.  I need communion.

It's Time To Go Home

Then they all went home. - John 7:53

The scripture passage I chose today is about the discussion with the Pharisees about the Messiah.  Today, I am not going to reflect about the identity of the Messiah but rather, I am going to reflect on home.  I left home on September 20, 2013 to mobilize and deploy with my unit on my third military deployment.  A few days ago I was blessed enough to breathe the free air of America.  

I have made a few phone calls to some friends and family.  I have not contacted everybody I need to yet.  I haven’t even been able to talk to my mother yet.  But while I am not actually home yet, I am already starting to feel like I am home.  I know that there will be many dinners and discussions to be had in the near future.  There will be much catching up with my friends and family.  I will have been gone for about 11 months.  I know that I have grown and the people around me will have grown as well.  

Reintegration is what the Army calls it when we come home and assimilate back into our civilian lives.  This time is filled with trepidation and joy.  My soul cannot help but be worried about what it will be like to be home.  The joy is already filled in my heart to be so close to the people I love dearly.  Yet, I still consider what it will be like to try to plan the first few weeks to make sure that I can get to the people who have been very good to me with their thoughts, prayers, time and gifts while I was gone.  

I also want to get back to doing the things that I love.  My friends have already started to plan ‘adventures’ for some of the weekends.  I have already accepted the invitation for a camping/rock climbing trip to Moab, Utah.  I have tentative plans to visit North Carolina, Florida and Texas.  I have agreed to have dinner and dessert with an old friend who will be passing through Colorado in November.  

I am very interested to getting back to Church and finding the ministries that I can contribute to.  I am sure that I will be very involved with the Knights of Columbus again.  I look forward to finding a place in the liturgy as either a lector, Eucharistic Minister, or in music ministry.  The latter would bring me such great joy for I dearly love music.  But at this point I ‘raise [my] white flag. [I] surrender all... the war is over.  Love has come.  Your love has won.’  That comes from Chris Tomlin’s “White Flag” with a few nominal changes.  

My war is over.  It’s time to go home.

Even If

Behold, I am with you until the end of the age. - Matthew 28:20

Today, I wish I could discuss some theological aspect of the love and mercy of Jesus.  But, I am in the throes of momentary spiritual desolation.  The concept and experience of desolation does not keep me from my reflections.  I could make a reflection based off what I’ve read from theologians past.  However, today seems like it would be much more appropriate to write a narrative about me and what I am feeling in this moment.  

My return to the U.S. from deployment will happen.  Though I don’t know the day or the hour, I know the day is coming.  All deployments end and I am now recognizing a pattern after three.  My emotions and thought processes pick up from where I was when I left for Active Duty.  The three biggest things for me when I left were a quasi-breakup in a relationship, an awkward evening with co-worker (nothing happened, thankfully), and general anxiety over my friends.  

I have learned that I am not as important as I often think I am.  With that said, I have learned that life goes on for people who have to live it.  My friends learn to accept not having me around and they learn how to go on without me.  With this realization, I often weigh myself down with thoughts of how to reintegrate my friends into my life.  Each deployment has proven that this will be a mighty struggle.  But this does not worry me much because my friends and I love each other.  We will work to renew our bonds and strengthen our friendships.  

I eventually have to go back to work.  I am sure that there will be lingering questions about an awkward evening before I left.  Nothing happened thankfully.  I am looking forward to getting back to an office and responsibilities that don’t have to be with me all the time.  Sleep does not even interrupt my responsibilities here.  

And last, and certainly the most heavy for my heart, is the quasi-breakup before I left.  Love is absolutely the greatest gift God has given man.  I must admit that I had not respected love itself before the quasi-breakup.  I had never experienced love in a relationship before this one.  I have tales of lust that may haunt me for the rest of my life, but only one story of love.  That one story is what weighs most on my heart.  

What is great about the human person is capability to be resilient.  To be flexible and adapt and overcome are qualities that reflect the greatness of people.  And thus, it is no surprise (to restate) that she has (or will) moved on.  During the deployment, this was very difficult for me and I elected to un-friend her on Facebook.  This was a decision that I struggled with and will continue to struggle with.  And coming home, I am already anxious and fearful over just seeing her again.  I am sure that it is an inevitability because we have common friends.  The simple, Catholic response is to trust God.  

Tomorrow, I will go to Mass.  I will receive the Lord into my body and my heart.  I don’t expect to feel any better or worse.  But I know on a scholarly level that Jesus is with me.  That is why I chose the scripture at the beginning of this blog entry.  I still have hope that the Lord will guide me when I get home to do I am supposed to do.  But for now, I like the the song “Even If” by Kutless.  It is worth listening to.  Its words express my hope in this moment of desolation (emphasis mine):

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 5

“Thus says the LORD: Put your house in order,
for you are about to die; you shall not recover.”- Isaiah 38:1

Today’s reflection is a continuation of Part 4.  This will be a vocational reflection but I want to share some anecdotal stories before really getting heavy into the meat of today’s reflection. 

Having daily Mass in Afghanistan has been a tremendous boost to my spiritual strength and has been food to my soul.  I often prepare the readings before Mass, I only glanced briefly at the readings today because I was running late for Mass.  Sometimes, mission dictates that I cannot make the weekday Mass.  Today, arrived just before the rosary and after I briefly glanced at the readings, I approached the altar and checked the readings of the day in the lectionary and made sure they were for today.  I then bowed and set the Sacramentary for today.  Ordinarily, the Mass is prepared by a full-bird Colonel.  Father comes in and sets the Sacramentary and then nods for the start of the rosary.  I have decided to set the book when I come in.  The Colonel approached me after Mass and asked me if I had any formal training referencing as a liturgist, sacristan or altar server.  I politely indicated that I had none but that I paid too much attention to my priests. 

Some would view this as a sign of a vocation to the priesthood, and in many cases they are probably correct.  I once observed altar server training for a few moments and the sacristan noted that if the servers wanted to learn the book, they could be instructed how to set the Sacramentary. 

Anecdotes aside, the readings for Mass really made me think about vocations.  The command to put one’s house in order because of impending death struck me as a universal message.  It especially applies to all deployed soldiers, but it definitely applies to everybody because we are all going to die.  Some consider it morose or maudlin to consider death.  But death has to be the universal constant in today’s world.  And I wondered what it means to have one’s house in order.

From the internal and personal spiritual perspective, I think that it is about having one’s heart turned towards Jesus.  As the Gospel message today also affirms, Jesus desires mercy.  Jesus wants to give us his grace and mercy just as much as he wants us to be gracious and merciful to others.  He commands us to love as he loves us.  God is love.  In the Liturgy of the Eucharist, one of the ‘presidential’ (of the presider) prayers that is meant to be said in a low voice states, “By the mystery of this water and wine may we come to share in the divinity of Christ who humbled himself to share in our humanity.”  I don’t know of if there is any theology that says this but I think that sharing God’s love in being gracious and merciful and, most of all, loving, is also a sharing in Christ’s divinity.  I have heard many times, ‘to err is human, to forgive, divine.’  And all exists when we turn our hearts towards Jesus.

And this is why I want to be a father.  In the context of parenting, I have come to see from my friends, who have children, that they experience the greatest love for their children when they are disciplining them.  For clarity, I want to distinguish between disciplining and punishing.  Disciplining, as I wish to define it, is to correct in an instructional and guiding way.  Punishment is a consequential action with little corrective or instructional aspects.  With these definitions it is clear why disciplining children is a great act of love. 

This is also one of the great joys of children.  Anybody who thinks that there will not be work when it comes to raising children or that their children will be perfect are either crazy or mistaken about what it means to be a child.  I think it would be great joy to watch my child succeed because I taught him something.  I get to say, “I taught him that and look at him now.”  There are many fathers who beam proudly over their children.  I have spent decades of my life looking for that pride from my own father and never found it.  But I have come to see now, that my father has been proud of my accomplishments all along. 

My father just didn’t know how discipline me.  He didn’t know how to correct me instructively and patiently.  He didn’t have an earthly father to teach him, to instruct him or love him.  It may have taken decades but he has learned to say ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m proud of you.’  I have read a couple of male spirituality books.  Some address the father wound and some say that wound is not as important as the walk with Christ.  I believe that every parent who cares for their children do the best they can with what they have.  I firmly believe these parents do not wake up each day and seek to ruin their children.  It is unfortunate that the notion of equality that is pervasive in our culture is also seeking to apply this to parenting.  Some parents who don’t have the skills but have the love are considered bad parents because they are ill equipped to discipline their children. 

I know I would be loving and patient with my children, but that does not exclude discipline.  My children would have bounds and order in their lives.  I do think that I would also have a soft spot for my children as well.  I think a healthy balance of discipline and mercy is developed over time and is just as unique with each child as Jesus is with us.  Loving children is an active participation in the life of the Church. 

God in community via trinity is the perfection of the family.  I want to love my wife so deeply and passionately that children proceed from that love just as the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son.  Granted this is only if God calls me to this state of life.  I think that it is essential to discern this state of life.  It is attractive, just as the priesthood is attractive.  The family, the father is the most admirable part of the calling of a man in the state of matrimony to me because it is the image of the love between husband and wife. 

Why do I want to be a father?  I want to love the children of my wife.

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 4

That is why a man leaves his father and mother 
and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. - Genesis 2:24

I spent three blog entries reflecting on why I want to be a priest.  And there is truth in that statement.  I do want to be a priest.  But the love of God and fullness of life has given me an attraction to the natural state of marriage.  I call it the natural state because man and woman are complementary beings who in the married state fulfill the divine purpose of gender and sexuality.  But this is what discernment is all about.  It is about opening my heart and facing my sinfulness and inviting Jesus into my life to amend it so that I can accept the life he asks of me.  

The first appeal of the married state is loving the woman God may be calling me to marry.  After many heartbreaking relationships where I know I have caused pain through my mistakes and selfishness, I am slowly coming to realize that love is not some academic construct nor is an item to be idolized but rather, love in the married state really is a vocation.  It is a life-long calling that demands sacrifice and work.  I often bailed on relationships when the work and sacrifice required exceeded anything I was comfortable with.  My great sin in relationships is the idolatry of comfort.  

Idolatry of comfort is essentially where I place myself in a position where I am at ease to the point where I will forcefully defend the position I have to the point where I will abandon relationships and scuttle friendships.  This idolatry also objectifies intimacy as an means to an end, which too is sinfully selfish desire.  

The second great appeal of the married state is children.  Having children in the married state is the intimate participation in the life of Church and obedience to the command of God to be fruitful.  Also, having children in the married state is an expression of the love of husband and wife made tangible.  Having children in the married state is also a life-long calling that demands sacrifice and work.  Children give their parents the opportunity and challenge to be faithful witnesses to the Gospel of truth and life in their every day parenting. 

The third great appeal of the married state is what I call the "Saturday."  The "Saturday" is my daydream of a typical Saturday if I were married.  I see it as I would wake up and see my wife and be constantly overwhelmed by love for her.  I would rise and prepare the Saturday breakfast for my wife and my children.  Saturday morning would be spent working on my wife's task for me for that weekend.  Saturday afternoon would be given to the family on whatever the chosen activity is for that day with the purpose to make loving memories as a family.  The evening would have a dinner that invites the whole family into pleasant conversation but also hints at the deeper romance of my wife and me.  Nothing could beat laying next to my wife as we fall asleep thanking the Lord for his goodness.  

In joyful hope, I am thankful already to the Lord for his goodness.  God has given me a heart to love (which I fail to do fairly regularly) and mind to seek him in all things.  My heart is still very young in understanding prayer and hearing the voice of God.  In this realization, I accept that I will have to slow down and really embrace virtuous living, sacrifice regularly my time for others, apologize often in Confession, and humbly accept the guidance of those Jesus gives me to follow.  

I have often counseled that the Christian relationship should be an extension of the relationship with Jesus.  Like Solomon, it is time for me to end my vanity in clinging to wisdom and knowledge and reach for Jesus and grasp him.  It is time to love Jesus and know Jesus.  It is time to cease to be content with knowing of Jesus.  

Why I want to be a Father?  So I can love the mother of my children.

Safeguarding The Traditions: Reflections on the Church of England and Disney

Therefore we must pay greater attention to what 

we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it.

For if the message declared through the angels was valid, 

and every transgression or disobedience received a just penalty,

how can we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?

It was declared at first through the Lord,

and it was attested to us by those who heard him... - Hebrews 2:1-3

The letter to the Hebrews speaks to the tradition of the Church about the grace and mercy of the Lord in his sacrifice upon the Cross.  Also, the Church holds very dearly to the Tradition of the Church as safeguarded by the magisterium, headed by the Holy Father, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  

Traditions and rituals that are mocked by the critics of the Church exploit the modern notion that things that are old are also obsolete.  However, it is this poor man’s first hand experience that the grace of God is the oldest ‘thing’ in existence and, yet, for us Christians, it remains the most relevant truth in existence.  

On CNN I found two news stories today.  The first was that the Church of England has changed their doctrine to allow the ordination of female bishops.  The second was the arrest of several employees of Disney for various crimes against children.  While these do not deal with the Catholic Church directly, they are no less significant.  

The Church in England, by allowing the ordination of female bishops, has separated itself from what Catholic tradition has held since the inception of the Church:  Holy Orders, as instituted by Jesus to give grace, is reserved for males.  This gender distinction is neither oppressive of women or is it a violation of the dignity of women.  The Church has a fundamental and inherent responsibility to protect and safeguard the dignity of women and the sacred nature of femininity.

The nature of gender identity according to the Church is perfectly complementary.  Neither is superior or subordinate to the other.  But rather, the masculine and feminine work in perfect harmony for the glory of God.  The role of the feminine is theological receptivity.  This is most clearly identified in the Blessed Mother.  In her ‘yes‘ to the Lord, she demonstrates for us perfect reception.  The Church is also identified as our mother because the Church exists in the reception of God’s grace.  A priest friend of mine once said that “receptivity is not passivity.”  He went on to describe using the metaphor of catching a football.  To receive a pass requires actively using the hands whereas passively receiving a pass may result in being hit in the head.  

The role of the masculine is theologically initiative.  Jesus initiates creation, the Church, and all things.  This is particularly masculine and the priesthood must be masculine because of its role and nature.  The Catholic Church does not ordain women because of oppression or lack of equality but, rather, it could be a theological insult to the dignity of women and the nature of feminism.  The Church of England has voted to disagree doctrinally and theologically with the Catholic Church.  However, the Church remains committed to unity and community with all people of Good will.

The unfortunate revelation of the recent arrests made of Disney employees for crimes against children highlights the continuing struggle to protect children.  I feel compelled to note that the media is not condemning Disney but notes that the seniors at Disney are constantly seeking to protect children.  The media does seem to promote the equality of Catholic priests with pedophiles.  The protection of children is a social justice issue that the Church has been dealing with for some time.  The Dallas Charter of 2002 laid foundations for the Church in America on how to move forward with the scandal.  But the article pointed out that Disney is constantly working to improve how they safeguard children because Disney will always attract predators.  It seems logical that the same sociological theory applies to the Church.  The Church is going to attract predators we gather children in our churches.  

The Dallas Charter is a beginning.  The Church must continue to review and assess how it protects children.  The truth is that the Church must always be proactive in its efforts to protect children.  The Church has a pastoral responsibility to care for souls.  God does not ask us to differentiate between sins and sinners but rather to love our neighbors as ourselves.  

The news speaks to me about the love and mercy of God.  My emotions want me to be angry with the Church of England for how it has chosen to interpret tradition and theology.  They want me to rage against the former Disney employees who have committed or conspired to commit heinous crimes against children.  But I must be led away from my emotions because they change with the wind.  And the truth of God is that which never changes.  We are loved.  We are forgiven and free.  We have been offered salvation by Jesus’ embrace of the just penalty which rightfully belonged to us.  *(I am staring at this blog entry and am simultaneously contemplating the grace of God, the only way salvation is possible, and considering my great failure to coherently express my contemplations.  It is like trying to define the entire earth by a single grain of sand.)*  May the Lord in his love and mercy draw us closer to him.  May we come to know his truth and grace.  And may God make us fully proper to our personal role and dignity as a person.   

I Love My Church

The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few;
So ask the master of the harvest 
to send out more laborers for his harvest. - Matthew 9:37-38

A few days ago, the Holy Father, Pope Francis met with survivors of priestly abuse.  Each person he met privately with for 30 minutes.  He then begged them all for forgiveness.  Some in the media have quickly condemned the delay of this action and others condemned that he hasn't done anything.

I love my Church.  I think that I may love my Church more than anything on Earth.  I think I only Jesus more than I love my Church.  The Church is the bride of Christ.  I love my Church.

It is very difficult for me to read stories and commentaries that are full of hostility and aggression to the Church.  The Catholic Church encounters so much anger every day.  I think it is quite disheartening to see that there are people who actively persecute Christians, especially Catholics.  The current struggles in Israel, Iraq, Syria, Ethiopia, North Korea, China and many other countries on the issue of religion and religious freedom should constantly remind us that our world is hostile to the name of Jesus.

My Church is my home.  Through all of the trials and trepidations that I have had to encounter as an adult, the Church has been the rock and source of constancy in my life.  I come to know and recognize the frailty of the human condition.  I have come to know the harsh reality that comes with the inconsistency of support of people.  I have, however, come to know the unfailing love of Jesus through the working of the Holy Spirit through the Church in my own life.  This is not to say that I have encountered well intentioned people along the way, but they all form or conform either to the Church or to some sort of secular living.  I have had people in the Church let me down.  I have had people in the Church be everything to me and still continue to be so.  There are people who have never been Catholic, or Christian, and they have let me down.  There are people in my life who are not Christian but have demonstrated a deep care and regard for me that is reminiscent of the Church for me.

The Church is full of people who are sinners and hypocrites.  This man is a sinner and a hypocrite.  It is not in our sinfulness that makes us who we are, but only in the grace of God that gives us hope for an eternity in splendor.  The beauty of forgiveness is that when we participate in forgiving somebody, we ourselves are forgiven.  And God smiles.  At the same time in asking for forgiveness, we take ownership and accountability of the sins we have committed.  Whatever we may have to do to reconcile ourselves to our sin is the temporal reality of our fallen nature.  I've spent a night in jail once, lost my driver's license, lost friendships, hurt people's feelings, and this is all just what I have done in my own life.  I have paid for these sins and I will continue to pay for them here on earth, but in my repentance, I know that Jesus has forgiven me and borne the weight of me.  It is only when I became more aware of what Jesus has done and what he continues to do, do I realize the love I have for my Church.

And the life of the Church was entrusted to our priests.  Some have made some most grievous errors and others live so heroically for Jesus.  And they all bring us the Eucharist, Jesus.  Despite the world, I beg the Lord to send us more priests.  The harvest is plenty and the laborers are few.

A Slave For Jesus Christ

“Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me,
for I am meek and humble of heart;
and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”  - Matthew 11:28-30

I really love this passage and image from today's Gospel from the 14th Sunday in Ordinary Time.  Jesus speaks to us metaphorically of his love and mercy.  He wants to give us rest from all that troubles us.  I know many homilies today will talk about sharing the yoke with Jesus.  This is certainly implied in the Gospel today.  

Upon reflecting deeper upon this image and where I was in it from a modified Lectio Divina method, I found myself literally pulling a wagon that is quite full of my sinfulness and shame.  Jesus calls to me and I have to pull myself and all my baggage to him.  Once there, he takes away my labor and burden from the weight of my sinfulness and grants me peace and rest.  When I am rested, I take upon his yoke and become a slave for him.  St Paul introduces himself in some of his letters (Romans, Philippians and Titus) as a 'Servant of Jesus Christ,' 'slave,' or 'bondservant' depending on translation.  Any of these descriptions are incredibly accurate for me.  Jesus tells me that his yoke is easy and his burden is light.  His wagon carries no baggage for me except a cross that promises eternity in his presence in heaven.  This yoke has no sinfulness or shame but bears witness to the joy of the Gospel.  And Jesus says, Come to me...

The love of God is made manifest for us in the sacraments of the Church.  We are called to follow the Lord in holiness and truth.  The strength for this journey comes from the same love of God given to us in the sacraments.  Confession and the Eucharist are our yoke and food for the journey to righteousness.  I absolutely hate going to confession but absolutely love coming out of confession.  I don't exactly celebrate going to Lord because of my sinfulness, but like Paul, if I should boast, I should boast in Jesus Christ.  

Going to confession is an exercise in becoming meek and humble of heart for sure.  Father, forgive me it has not been that long since my last confession and, Jesus, I need to confess and say to you that I am sorry for all that I have done.  And, Jesus, you speak to me the truth I need to hear in that moment, for that time.  But most of all, Lord, you tell me again that you love me and want me to live so that I can spend the rest of my life and eternity with you.  I take your penance and profess my sincerest apology and unworthiness.  You remind me again that in your cross my sins have already been reconciled to the Father and, through the priest in your person, you grant me absolution.  Your love truly is extravagant.  

The mercy of God today calls to us all.  Becoming aware of the yoke upon our shoulders and going to Jesus for relief and rest is the reminder to us all today.  Jesus loves me and Jesus love you.  His yoke really is easy; his burden is certainly light.  

Hear the call of Jesus:  Come to me...

Reflection on Hobby Lobby

For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters;

only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for

self-indulgence, but through love become servants 

to one another.  For the whole law is summed up

in a single commandment, 

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” - Galatians 5:13-14

About a week has passed since the Supreme Court of the United States delivered its ruling in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby.  The Justices decided 5-4 in favor of Hobby Lobby.  From my reading of the majority opinion in this case, three issues were clarified in this matter:  1)  Hobby Lobby’s standing as a person under the law; 2)  the applicability of the First Amendment to the Constitution; and 3)  the government could not compel Hobby Lobby to adhere to the form for the contraceptive mandate prescribed by the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act.  

The Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act was signed into law by the President on March 23, 2010.  This law is probably the most controversial law I have ever encountered.  No Republican voted for this legislation and 34 House Democrats voted against it.  While it is controversial, I support health care reform.  People should have access to affordable health care.  However, this law is severely flawed.  The law is purely secular.  A purely secular law is, in itself, not a bad law.  The Affordable Care Act has poorly written language and poorly advised mandates.  

My own mother is poor and nearly disabled and still cannot get health insurance.  The exchanges provided by the legislation are not universal in their scope, otherwise, my mother would have had insurance by now.  The elected officials in Washington on both sides of the aisle have their witnesses for their own cases, for and against, the health care law.  To reiterate, I am for health care reform that is comprehensive in its applicability and sensitive to the needs and beliefs of its patrons.  The law is poorly written because the original implementation dates of many pieces of the law have been delayed by executive order, the law has been challenged in court by many entities, and the law itself will be a factor in the midterm 2014 elections.  The special election for a House seat in Florida in early 2014 was seen as a referendum on the Affordable Care Act.   

The Supreme Court decided that Hobby Lobby has personhood under the law.  I have read many commentaries on news articles where readers have posted and ‘liked’ that corporations do not have opinions or beliefs because they are corporations.  These are also the same readers who are vehemently condemning the ruling.  The Court made its decision about Hobby Lobby’s personhood based on several prior rulings but what was interesting was the justices use of the government’s argument against Hobby Lobby.  The government created an exemption for religious organizations in their argument affirmed the personhood and religious freedom of religious organizations but denied the personhood and religious freedom of what they termed non-religious organizations.  The Court essentially upheld that Hobby Lobby had personhood under the law.  Ironically, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, in the dissenting opinion, stated that the Court never ruled that a corporation has beliefs.

After Hobby Lobby’s personhood was upheld, the right to religious freedom was explored.  The justices essentially upheld the First Amendment right to religious freedom and affirmed the application of the Religious Freedom Restoration Act.  The commentaries on articles I have read often blast this court ruling as allowing an employer to force beliefs upon their employees.  The language most used in the commentaries is that Christians are ‘shoving down our throats.’  The more liberal commentators note that the religious Christians are ‘extremists.’  I think it incredibly rich to refer to Christians in these manners when the media makes it a point to ignore the mass persecutions of Christians around the world.  We are just now hearing about Christian persecutions in Iraq and Syria, but these have been taking place for years.  In Nigeria, persecution was largely ignored until real extremists kidnapped young Christian girls.  Christians are heavily persecuted in Indonesia and China.  This case restores the right of the American entrepreneur to start and run a business with protected religious convictions.  The United States was founded largely as a haven for religious freedom which is why the founding fathers codified this protection in the Bill of Rights of the Constitution of the United States.  

The government could not prove that the Department of Health and Human Services had justification to compel Hobby Lobby to adhere to the contraception mandate.  The majority opinion noted that the exemption already provided for religious organizations included means for people who were under the exemption could still acquire contraception rejected by their employers.  The justices also explicitly stated that the government could provide the contraception as well.  

The ruling reminds us all to reflect on our understanding of freedom.  It is essential to continue to affirm the freedom of religion.  It seems that the American landscape is in the midst of a time of constitutional skepticism.  In the past two years I have seen controversies concerning freedom of the press (over revealing sources), freedom of religion (in the Hobby Lobby case and others), freedom of assembly (in the occupy movement), and second amendment gun rights.  It seems to me that as we become more privacy oriented and self-oriented, these constitutional protections are becoming more abstract and protracted to suit political needs.  

The Church has always taught of the sanctity of life from conception to natural death.  In the papal encyclical, Humanae Vitae, by Pope Paul VI and the Catechism of the Catholic Church, promulgated by Pope John Paul II, the Church affirms the procreative and unitive nature of sex which is reserved for the husband and wife with the state of Holy Matrimony.  It is for this reason that use of contraceptives for the intent to undermine the nature of sex is considered sinful.  Pope Paul VI also states, “The Church, on the contrary, does not at all consider illicit the use of those therapeutic means truly necessary to cure diseases of the organism, even if an impediment to procreation, which may be foreseen, should result therefore, provided such impediment is not, for whatever motive, directly willed.”  (HV, 15)  This means that drugs used to treat other ailments but also act in a contraceptive manner are not sinful as long as the intent for use is not contraception.  

A mandate providing for contraception is in direct contradiction of long held Church teaching.  For this reason, Churches were given an exemption from the contraception mandate of the Affordable Care Act.  This is an acknowledgement of the religious standing of the Churches and a nod to their fundamental rights under the First Amendment to the Constitution.  The White House stated in response to the ruling that it would ‘jeopardize the health care for the women who work for Hobby Lobby.’  From the perspective of the Church, whose own rights have been acknowledged and protected, this is a great absurdity.  Because if it were true that lack of contraception is a sincere risk to women’s health, then the government would have compelling reason to ensure that every woman not only has access, but also direct possession.  But the law itself acknowledges that tens of millions of women do not have access to contraception as prescribed by the law.  This is because the law exempts the mandate for companies with less than 50 employees as well as existing health care plans grandfathered by the law.  

The 111th Congress of the United States did their job in passing the legislation for this Act.  The President did his job in signing the Act into law.  The Supreme Court of the United States did its job in upholding the individual mandate as a tax and, especially, in ruling for Hobby Lobby against the contraception mandate in the law.  What I find most difficult from some of the American people is their aggressive rejection of the Court’s ruling.  The Court was not capricious or political in their opinion.  The majority opinion is very methodical and logical in its assessment and judgment.  The rejection of this ruling by the White House administration contributes to undermining of the decision and the authority of the Supreme Court.  

Perhaps most disappointing is either the apparent lack of education among many commentators and news writers or their disregard of the law or the opinion to advance a political agenda.  Both of these actions are divisive and undermine the rule of law in America.  

As Christians, we must rededicate ourselves to our faith.  We must know our faith and we must be able to defend our faith.  We must also know elementary civics and the basic freedoms and rights.  God bless America, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant

The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat

and will bring me safe to his heavenly Kingdom.

To him be glory forever and ever. Amen. -2 Timothy 4:18

I have not offered a reflection on the readings for the Holy Mass in about 14 weeks.  It has been quite a time on this deployment to step away from what I thought was formulaic reflections.  The past few weeks have been quite a struggle and yet at the same time, I have come to know God’s grace on a deeper and more personal level.  Just last night as we were celebrating Mass on the FOB, I could not help but form a reflection and homily in my mind as I the Mass went on.  

Captive... Imprisoned... Despised... Alone...  These were words that passed through my mind as I reflected upon the readings for this Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul.  In the first reading, we see that suffering for the enjoyment of the masses leads Herod to have James, the brother of John, put to death.  Seeing that the Jews also liked this, he had Peter arrested.  But the Angel of the Lord appears to Peter and leads him out of his captivity.  The scriptures tell us that that there were 16 soldiers watching him and they just walked out in front of them.  

St Paul was imprisoned many times and was familiar with being captive for the sake of the Gospel.  In the second reading, Paul uses a sports analogy.  He states that he had competed well, he finished the race, he had kept the faith.  He also tells us what victory looks like for the faithful.  He speaks of the crown of righteousness for all who long for his coming.  Paul is also quick to point out that his strength came from the Lord and that he had been rescued by the Lord many times.  This points not so much to the faith of Paul but the faithfulness of God.  God remembers his people, his promises, and, luckily for us, his love and mercy for us.

The Gospel recounts for us the Church’s traditional belief that Jesus institutes the Papacy in this reading.  Peter clearly has authority which the scriptures attest to but this is more about the choice Peter makes and the truth he speaks.  Jesus asks the disciples, ‘who do you say that I am?’ and Peter replies that he is the Christ.  Peter is given divine inspiration but it is his choice to take the risk and speak the words the Holy Spirit gave him just as our Blessed Mother had a choice whether or not to bear the Son of God and the Son of Man.  

Jesus asks me and all the people the same question as he asked the disciples.  Who do we say that he is?  I think that Jesus is not just looking for us to speak up.  I think that he asks us that question every time we presented with the opportunity to testify to his love and mercy.  And the mercy of Jesus is made manifest every time we have the opportunity to feed the hungry, the give drink to the thirsty, to clothe the naked, to shelter the homeless, to visit the sick, the free the captive and to bury the dead.  These corporal works of mercy are what Jesus, himself, tells us what we do for him to gain the kingdom of heaven.  Jesus also tells us from the Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.’  

Perhaps, Jesus is foreshadowing these instructions for later teachings.  We are told often that Jesus is the just judge and Jesus tells us in the Gospels how he will judge.  The challenge for us is living the universal vocation to holiness which fulfills his instruction for righteousness.  This challenge is very difficult indeed which is why the Jesus gave us the Church and her sacraments.  Confession helps us to take in the mercy and love of God so that we can share it so that we can love others and be merciful.  The Eucharist is the food for our bodies and souls.  It is the sacrifice, the only sacrifice, pleasing to the Father.  And we are given the priesthood to guide us to the Kingdom.  Every sacrament is essential because they are instituted by Christ to give grace and we should make sure that we live the graces given to us.  

The spiritual works of mercy (to instruct the ignorant, to counsel the doubtful, to admonish sinners, to bear wrongs patiently, to forgive offenses willingly, to comfort the afflicted, to pray for the living and the dead) also help us to live the universal call to holiness.  These works invite the faithful to welcome the Lord into their personal lives.  These require us to pray and involve the Lord in our lives.  Combining the corporal works and the spiritual works into our daily lives will draw us closer to the heart of Jesus.  Our hope is in the grace of God for our salvation not our works.  May we genuinely and authentically welcome the grace of God into our lives so that our love and friendship for Jesus will compel us to do good things for our God and our neighbor.

And the Lord will free us from our captivity.  He liberates us from our prisons.  He ends our slavery to sin.  He loves us when we feel despised.  He is forever with us.

And perhaps in the last days, Jesus will say to us ‘well done, good and faithful servant.’  

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 3

Then he took the bread, said the blessing, 

broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 

“This is my body, which will be given for you; 

do this in memory of me.”

And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying, 

“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, 

which will be shed for you.” - Luke 22:19-20

The Council Fathers of the Second Vatican Council affirmed the truth that the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith.  We believe that Jesus is present body, blood, soul and divinity in the Blessed Sacrament.  Without the priest, there would be no Mass, and by extension, we would not have the Eucharist.  

The tradition of the Church teaches us that the Catholic priesthood began with the Last Supper.  The vocation of the priest is intimately linked to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  Jesus chose the institution of the Eucharist with the institution of the priesthood.  My own conversion begins with the Eucharist.  

Though I was lonely when I was invited to the Church, the real inspiration for choosing to stay was Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  When I would go to Mass, I would feel shame in not being able to receive the Sacrament, which I freely admit I did not know that it was truly the body and blood of the Lord.  The pastor at the time counseled me that there was no shame in where I was as a newcomer to the faith.  It was not until the Steubenville of the Rockies where I had my first intimate encounter with Jesus in the Sacrament during adoration.  The best description is that I was overwhelmed by the grace of God and could express myself with tears.  I prided myself on my own strength and looked down upon people who cried as weak.  And in the presence of the Lord, I was humbled to tears.  It was then that I was prompted to seek Confession for my sins.  

My baptism happened in Germany when I was 5 when I had little control over anything.  My first Confession happened because I was called to repentance.  My first Holy Communion happened at a daily Mass.  I was confirmed in the associate pastor’s office.  My sacramental life was extraordinary.  God bestowed upon me amazing graces which I, in my childish and selfishness, abused during most of my life as a practicing Catholic.  This I now know.  

I think it fair to say that I knew of God most of my life, despite only going to Mass a handful of times up to my 18th birthday.  I think it humbling to confess that I didn’t really know God until recently.  To the beginning of this, my third, deployment I have to confess that I was still mired in grave sin.  I have lied to myself and others through the veil of piety until I was convicted by the Holy Father’s encyclical, Evangelii Gaudium.  I think it even worse for me that I could speaks words of faith and comfort and not know the source.  I am humbled again to consider that God has used me despite my sins and personal failings.  But my faith is renewed by participating in the Liturgy.  

I was at Mass at my FOB and felt my heart burning during the Eucharistic Prayer.  The following week at Mass, I again felt my heart burning during the Eucharistic Prayer.  That last Mass also had me slightly distracted because of a spider in the tent during Mass.  It didn’t move during the Eucharistic Prayer and barely moved during Mass, even though it should have been stepped on and crushed where it stayed.  I attribute this to the spider being called to worship God.  Of course, I cannot know this for sure, but it made for an interesting Mass.

In the Eucharist, the love and mercy of God and his grace is given freely to us by the saving works of Jesus.  In this Sacrament, I cannot help but receive his grace and love and mercy because I am a sinner in desperate need of his love and mercy and grace.  I feel the source of my love for Jesus and my desire to be a priest comes from the Eucharist.  I want to be a priest.  But what vocation director would accept this poor sinner?

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 2

“Peace be with you.  As the Father has sent me, 

so I send you.”  When he had said this, 

he breathed on them.  And he said to them:

“Receive the Holy Spirit. 

Those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven them,

and those whose sins you retain, they are retained.” - John 20:21-23

God’s universal call for man to live holiness makes the priest an indispensable gift to humanity.  It has become my belief that during this time in the world and where the culture of America and the Western world is heading that the need for the love of God and the mercy of Jesus Christ has never been more dire.  

One of the greatest things about being a priest, to me at least, is the dispensing of the Sacraments of Healing.  My experience of confession usually is the same though the litany of sins confessed tend to change from time to time.  I head to confession usually feeling very low and shame-filled.  I stand in line, or walk up to ask for confession, and I think to myself about how much I have failed in my promise to go and sin no more.  I go into confession and I begin to speak.  I am enveloped in the love and mercy of Jesus.  The prayer of absolution renews my spirit and restores my joy.  I leave confession feeling like a completely idealized version of myself.  I thank Jesus and joyfully look forward to doing my penance.  

I’ve only witnessed the dispensing of the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick a handful of times.  One was particularly memorable to me.  We had a younger associate pastor assigned to our parish and he was a very loving and faithful priest.  He was very inspirational and generally was very kind to me.  We began to go to lunch after the parish’s 12:15pm Sunday Mass and would talk until he had to prepare for the 5:00pm Sunday evening Mass.  He also suffered from some long term illnesses as well.  One day, I accompanied him on a visit to the home of an older parishioner who could no longer come to Mass due to his health.  He requested that Father give him the anointing of the sick.  I was not particularly familiar with the rite but still offered to assist in any capacity.  After Father had administered the Sacrament, I remember distinctly the joy on that man’s face despite the obvious pain and suffering he was going through.  

Another story:  I have been very blessed in my life to have a few friends who are outstanding witnesses to the faith.  I know I am unworthy of these friends but I am thankful to God and to them all the same.  One of my friends, let’s call her Mary, because there are times that her smile and joyfulness made me think that she was for me a preview of our Blessed Mother.  I’ve never told her that and I think I should when I get home.  Mary and I met at college through common friends and common courses.  I am an introvert and didn’t really care for her that much at the time, but there was no mistake that she was definitely in love with Jesus and the faith.  Despite my own sinfulness, we became good friends.  Sadly, I’d say any day that she was a better friend to me than I was to her.  I don’t often speak up but I am usually willing to stand up to my friends when “jokes made in jest” at the expense of someone else, usually not present, are made.  I sometimes speak out against gossip too even though I am often guilty of that as well.  One day several years ago, Mary comes to me and is obviously struggling with something.  She confesses to me that she is pregnant and says that what I’ve heard is probably true.  She then tells me that she waited to tell me because she was worried that I would think less of her because of all this.  I looked her in the eye and told her that I don’t listen to hearsay and then with all the joy and tenderness I could muster, I asked her how could I judge how God decides to bring life into the world?  I believe those words were from God and I learned about the mercy of God from her and Jesus.

The priest has the opportunity to remind the faithful of God’s call to holiness.  The priest also has the opportunity to share the love and mercy of Jesus Christ at all times.  The priest has the opportunity to lead people to cross and lead them to Jesus the redeemer.  The people need to know that they have been forgiven their sins by Jesus.  The people need to know that their slavery to sin and addiction can be overcome by God’s love.  Those who walk in darkness can see a great light in Jesus.  

Jesus commanded that we ‘love as he loved us’.  This means always forgiving and leading with mercy and charity.  A couple of times during youth ministry events, we would do reconciliation skits.  Many times, I had been asked to portray the priest.  More than a handful of times, I loved saying the prayer of reconciliation in that setting.  After the skits, I would get asked how I knew that prayer by memory since we never rehearsed the scene more than once or twice.  I would often reply that I went to confession a lot.  The priest says the words of that prayer at the end and I love how they make me feel.  God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your Son, has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins.  Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace.  And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.  These words remind me that I am a child of God.  They remind me that Jesus died for me.  They remind me I am forgiven.  They remind me that I am free.  

I want to be a priest because the priest pro-actively shares the love and mercy of Jesus in the Sacraments of healing.  Despite my own sinfulness, I still want to serve the Church by loving and serving the people of God.  I want to be a priest.  But what vocation’s director is going to accept this unworthy sinner?

St Augustine, pray for me.