Well Done, Good and Faithful Servant

The Lord will rescue me from every evil threat

and will bring me safe to his heavenly Kingdom.

To him be glory forever and ever. Amen. -2 Timothy 4:18

I have not offered a reflection on the readings for the Holy Mass in about 14 weeks.  It has been quite a time on this deployment to step away from what I thought was formulaic reflections.  The past few weeks have been quite a struggle and yet at the same time, I have come to know God’s grace on a deeper and more personal level.  Just last night as we were celebrating Mass on the FOB, I could not help but form a reflection and homily in my mind as I the Mass went on.  

Captive... Imprisoned... Despised... Alone...  These were words that passed through my mind as I reflected upon the readings for this Solemnity of Saints Peter and Paul.  In the first reading, we see that suffering for the enjoyment of the masses leads Herod to have James, the brother of John, put to death.  Seeing that the Jews also liked this, he had Peter arrested.  But the Angel of the Lord appears to Peter and leads him out of his captivity.  The scriptures tell us that that there were 16 soldiers watching him and they just walked out in front of them.  

St Paul was imprisoned many times and was familiar with being captive for the sake of the Gospel.  In the second reading, Paul uses a sports analogy.  He states that he had competed well, he finished the race, he had kept the faith.  He also tells us what victory looks like for the faithful.  He speaks of the crown of righteousness for all who long for his coming.  Paul is also quick to point out that his strength came from the Lord and that he had been rescued by the Lord many times.  This points not so much to the faith of Paul but the faithfulness of God.  God remembers his people, his promises, and, luckily for us, his love and mercy for us.

The Gospel recounts for us the Church’s traditional belief that Jesus institutes the Papacy in this reading.  Peter clearly has authority which the scriptures attest to but this is more about the choice Peter makes and the truth he speaks.  Jesus asks the disciples, ‘who do you say that I am?’ and Peter replies that he is the Christ.  Peter is given divine inspiration but it is his choice to take the risk and speak the words the Holy Spirit gave him just as our Blessed Mother had a choice whether or not to bear the Son of God and the Son of Man.  

Jesus asks me and all the people the same question as he asked the disciples.  Who do we say that he is?  I think that Jesus is not just looking for us to speak up.  I think that he asks us that question every time we presented with the opportunity to testify to his love and mercy.  And the mercy of Jesus is made manifest every time we have the opportunity to feed the hungry, the give drink to the thirsty, to clothe the naked, to shelter the homeless, to visit the sick, the free the captive and to bury the dead.  These corporal works of mercy are what Jesus, himself, tells us what we do for him to gain the kingdom of heaven.  Jesus also tells us from the Sermon on the Mount, ‘blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy.’  

Perhaps, Jesus is foreshadowing these instructions for later teachings.  We are told often that Jesus is the just judge and Jesus tells us in the Gospels how he will judge.  The challenge for us is living the universal vocation to holiness which fulfills his instruction for righteousness.  This challenge is very difficult indeed which is why the Jesus gave us the Church and her sacraments.  Confession helps us to take in the mercy and love of God so that we can share it so that we can love others and be merciful.  The Eucharist is the food for our bodies and souls.  It is the sacrifice, the only sacrifice, pleasing to the Father.  And we are given the priesthood to guide us to the Kingdom.  Every sacrament is essential because they are instituted by Christ to give grace and we should make sure that we live the graces given to us.  

The spiritual works of mercy (to instruct the ignorant, to counsel the doubtful, to admonish sinners, to bear wrongs patiently, to forgive offenses willingly, to comfort the afflicted, to pray for the living and the dead) also help us to live the universal call to holiness.  These works invite the faithful to welcome the Lord into their personal lives.  These require us to pray and involve the Lord in our lives.  Combining the corporal works and the spiritual works into our daily lives will draw us closer to the heart of Jesus.  Our hope is in the grace of God for our salvation not our works.  May we genuinely and authentically welcome the grace of God into our lives so that our love and friendship for Jesus will compel us to do good things for our God and our neighbor.

And the Lord will free us from our captivity.  He liberates us from our prisons.  He ends our slavery to sin.  He loves us when we feel despised.  He is forever with us.

And perhaps in the last days, Jesus will say to us ‘well done, good and faithful servant.’  

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 3

Then he took the bread, said the blessing, 

broke it, and gave it to them, saying, 

“This is my body, which will be given for you; 

do this in memory of me.”

And likewise the cup after they had eaten, saying, 

“This cup is the new covenant in my blood, 

which will be shed for you.” - Luke 22:19-20

The Council Fathers of the Second Vatican Council affirmed the truth that the Eucharist is the source and summit of our faith.  We believe that Jesus is present body, blood, soul and divinity in the Blessed Sacrament.  Without the priest, there would be no Mass, and by extension, we would not have the Eucharist.  

The tradition of the Church teaches us that the Catholic priesthood began with the Last Supper.  The vocation of the priest is intimately linked to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  Jesus chose the institution of the Eucharist with the institution of the priesthood.  My own conversion begins with the Eucharist.  

Though I was lonely when I was invited to the Church, the real inspiration for choosing to stay was Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.  When I would go to Mass, I would feel shame in not being able to receive the Sacrament, which I freely admit I did not know that it was truly the body and blood of the Lord.  The pastor at the time counseled me that there was no shame in where I was as a newcomer to the faith.  It was not until the Steubenville of the Rockies where I had my first intimate encounter with Jesus in the Sacrament during adoration.  The best description is that I was overwhelmed by the grace of God and could express myself with tears.  I prided myself on my own strength and looked down upon people who cried as weak.  And in the presence of the Lord, I was humbled to tears.  It was then that I was prompted to seek Confession for my sins.  

My baptism happened in Germany when I was 5 when I had little control over anything.  My first Confession happened because I was called to repentance.  My first Holy Communion happened at a daily Mass.  I was confirmed in the associate pastor’s office.  My sacramental life was extraordinary.  God bestowed upon me amazing graces which I, in my childish and selfishness, abused during most of my life as a practicing Catholic.  This I now know.  

I think it fair to say that I knew of God most of my life, despite only going to Mass a handful of times up to my 18th birthday.  I think it humbling to confess that I didn’t really know God until recently.  To the beginning of this, my third, deployment I have to confess that I was still mired in grave sin.  I have lied to myself and others through the veil of piety until I was convicted by the Holy Father’s encyclical, Evangelii Gaudium.  I think it even worse for me that I could speaks words of faith and comfort and not know the source.  I am humbled again to consider that God has used me despite my sins and personal failings.  But my faith is renewed by participating in the Liturgy.  

I was at Mass at my FOB and felt my heart burning during the Eucharistic Prayer.  The following week at Mass, I again felt my heart burning during the Eucharistic Prayer.  That last Mass also had me slightly distracted because of a spider in the tent during Mass.  It didn’t move during the Eucharistic Prayer and barely moved during Mass, even though it should have been stepped on and crushed where it stayed.  I attribute this to the spider being called to worship God.  Of course, I cannot know this for sure, but it made for an interesting Mass.

In the Eucharist, the love and mercy of God and his grace is given freely to us by the saving works of Jesus.  In this Sacrament, I cannot help but receive his grace and love and mercy because I am a sinner in desperate need of his love and mercy and grace.  I feel the source of my love for Jesus and my desire to be a priest comes from the Eucharist.  I want to be a priest.  But what vocation director would accept this poor sinner?

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 2

“Peace be with you.  As the Father has sent me, 

so I send you.”  When he had said this, 

he breathed on them.  And he said to them:

“Receive the Holy Spirit. 

Those whose sins you forgive, they are forgiven them,

and those whose sins you retain, they are retained.” - John 20:21-23

God’s universal call for man to live holiness makes the priest an indispensable gift to humanity.  It has become my belief that during this time in the world and where the culture of America and the Western world is heading that the need for the love of God and the mercy of Jesus Christ has never been more dire.  

One of the greatest things about being a priest, to me at least, is the dispensing of the Sacraments of Healing.  My experience of confession usually is the same though the litany of sins confessed tend to change from time to time.  I head to confession usually feeling very low and shame-filled.  I stand in line, or walk up to ask for confession, and I think to myself about how much I have failed in my promise to go and sin no more.  I go into confession and I begin to speak.  I am enveloped in the love and mercy of Jesus.  The prayer of absolution renews my spirit and restores my joy.  I leave confession feeling like a completely idealized version of myself.  I thank Jesus and joyfully look forward to doing my penance.  

I’ve only witnessed the dispensing of the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick a handful of times.  One was particularly memorable to me.  We had a younger associate pastor assigned to our parish and he was a very loving and faithful priest.  He was very inspirational and generally was very kind to me.  We began to go to lunch after the parish’s 12:15pm Sunday Mass and would talk until he had to prepare for the 5:00pm Sunday evening Mass.  He also suffered from some long term illnesses as well.  One day, I accompanied him on a visit to the home of an older parishioner who could no longer come to Mass due to his health.  He requested that Father give him the anointing of the sick.  I was not particularly familiar with the rite but still offered to assist in any capacity.  After Father had administered the Sacrament, I remember distinctly the joy on that man’s face despite the obvious pain and suffering he was going through.  

Another story:  I have been very blessed in my life to have a few friends who are outstanding witnesses to the faith.  I know I am unworthy of these friends but I am thankful to God and to them all the same.  One of my friends, let’s call her Mary, because there are times that her smile and joyfulness made me think that she was for me a preview of our Blessed Mother.  I’ve never told her that and I think I should when I get home.  Mary and I met at college through common friends and common courses.  I am an introvert and didn’t really care for her that much at the time, but there was no mistake that she was definitely in love with Jesus and the faith.  Despite my own sinfulness, we became good friends.  Sadly, I’d say any day that she was a better friend to me than I was to her.  I don’t often speak up but I am usually willing to stand up to my friends when “jokes made in jest” at the expense of someone else, usually not present, are made.  I sometimes speak out against gossip too even though I am often guilty of that as well.  One day several years ago, Mary comes to me and is obviously struggling with something.  She confesses to me that she is pregnant and says that what I’ve heard is probably true.  She then tells me that she waited to tell me because she was worried that I would think less of her because of all this.  I looked her in the eye and told her that I don’t listen to hearsay and then with all the joy and tenderness I could muster, I asked her how could I judge how God decides to bring life into the world?  I believe those words were from God and I learned about the mercy of God from her and Jesus.

The priest has the opportunity to remind the faithful of God’s call to holiness.  The priest also has the opportunity to share the love and mercy of Jesus Christ at all times.  The priest has the opportunity to lead people to cross and lead them to Jesus the redeemer.  The people need to know that they have been forgiven their sins by Jesus.  The people need to know that their slavery to sin and addiction can be overcome by God’s love.  Those who walk in darkness can see a great light in Jesus.  

Jesus commanded that we ‘love as he loved us’.  This means always forgiving and leading with mercy and charity.  A couple of times during youth ministry events, we would do reconciliation skits.  Many times, I had been asked to portray the priest.  More than a handful of times, I loved saying the prayer of reconciliation in that setting.  After the skits, I would get asked how I knew that prayer by memory since we never rehearsed the scene more than once or twice.  I would often reply that I went to confession a lot.  The priest says the words of that prayer at the end and I love how they make me feel.  God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of your Son, has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins.  Through the ministry of the Church, may God grant you pardon and peace.  And I absolve you of your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.  These words remind me that I am a child of God.  They remind me that Jesus died for me.  They remind me I am forgiven.  They remind me that I am free.  

I want to be a priest because the priest pro-actively shares the love and mercy of Jesus in the Sacraments of healing.  Despite my own sinfulness, I still want to serve the Church by loving and serving the people of God.  I want to be a priest.  But what vocation’s director is going to accept this unworthy sinner?

St Augustine, pray for me.

Why I Want To Be A Father: Part 1

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. 

Not as the world gives do I give it to you. 

Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. - John 14:27  

Jesus said that “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life” in the Gospel of St John, chapter 14, verse 6.  God asks us to be firm witnesses to his glory and truth and that requires us to be bearers of truth whether or not that is what we want to do.  In the TV program, House M.D., the titular character, Dr. House, reminds his team and the audience that ‘Everybody lies.’  In the spirit of following God and to live more faithfully to the principal vocation to holiness, I wish to reflect upon my thoughts on my particular vocation.  

When I was a young person, just over 18 years old, I had a very dramatic conversion into the Catholic faith.  It occurred at a Steubenville of the Rockies conference in 2001.  For a little context, the conference was in June or July, I don’t exactly recall the date.  My senior year in high school began with great expectations but did not end with such.  I found that many of the friendships I had were very superficially based.  Many of those friendships dissolved during the course of the year.  During the year, in the absence of joyful community of friends, I entered into a sexual relationship and even went so far as to smoke marijuana on a couple of occasions.  God intervened through one lasting friend.  This friend invited me to Mass and to youth group knowing that I was baptized Catholic but hadn’t attended in years.  I went and did not really participate and therefore did not want to come back.  But the invitation to come back could not be matched by anything because I did not have anywhere else to go.  The parish paid for me to go to the Steubenville conference and in adoration I learned that God called me to holiness.  It was there I had my confession heard and absolution given for the first time.  It was also at that conference, as an unconfirmed youth who had never tasted the body and blood of the Lord, I first confessed that I believed God was calling me to be a priest.  

I met with the vocations director who promptly told me that I needed to let the graces of conversion settle.  I agreed and I still do.  After a summer of fire, my first semester of college gave me a refresher on the world.  Then I had to fulfill some Army required training and then rumors swirled of a deployment.  The alert and mobilization did come and I went straight to my Archbishop and asked to be confirmed in the faith before I left.  He gave his approval and it came to be.  During the deployment, I served my fellow Catholic soldiers as a Eucharistic Minister leading communion services in the absence of Catholic chaplains.  

Coming back from my first tour was difficult.  My friends told me I was different and far more aggressive and intense.  Shortly after my return, I met with a new vocations director and the psychological test said that I would not be able to remain celibate and that virtually ended my discussions with that vocations director.  Ever the sinner, I engaged again in sexual relationships.  I know that my use of alcohol became abusive and I would suffer the consequences for my decisions.  I was arrested twice, once for failing to appear in court on a traffic violation, and for driving under the influence.  It was interesting that I served a day of jail for the failure to appear warrant but did not serve any time for the DUI.  God was certainly merciful.  I did my court ordered treatments for about a year and came out with a better understanding of myself and what I was doing.  Though I was mired in sin, I still felt the call of God.  

After a few more years I met with a third vocations director from the Archdiocese, who actually turned down my first request for an interview.  He told me that he did not think I had a vocation.  Though I did take a second psychological exam.  I never followed up on the second psychological exam as I deployed a second time.  I came back and dated two women who are tremendous people.  The relationships soured, both exclusively my own doing.  And yet, in spite of my own sinfulness, I still felt the call of God.  

After the intercession of a nice lady from the parish, I was put in contact with the vocations director for the Dominican Order of the Eastern Province.  I visited the Dominican House of Studies numerous times and I am attracted to the Order.  It is very difficult not to be.  The Friars Preachers were very hospitable and open.  They have a great charism for preaching and studying that is very appealing to me.  I would often daydream about giving a homily at Mass.  I don’t think I revealed this to them.  I had a painful six hour interview with the vocations director at home in Colorado where we spent many hours discussing my life from after the first tour through the DUI.  That interview was very taxing on me because I had not yet reconciled myself to the criminal and sinful actions that I chose to do.  I guess I think that pride was keeping me from dealing with those issues.  And now I can faithfully address those issues as being in the past.  But the interview after so many hours was not even half way complete.  It is still incomplete and after spending so much time discussing that time period of my life exposed my ignorance that I could ignore that part of my life.  And I suffered, but still ever so slightly, I felt the call of God.

About two months after that interview, I found myself notified that I would be deployed again.  I began to make small preparations and after a few months, I succumbed to temptation and drank in severe excess for the first time in a long time.  And that night saw me in complete lack of inhibition give in to sexual temptation too.  And that lack of accountability and responsibility was the result of my years of not pursuing wholesome friendships and good Catholic formation.  Through this and my current deployment, I feel so vigorous God’s call.  But this time God is calling me to live very prayerfully and sacrificially.  God is calling me to penance and forgiveness.  Through my many years as a “practicing” Catholic, I still entertained porn and the sin of masturbation.  I never tried to gain self-mastery.  I thought I would wake up and my fleshly desires would not be there.  During this deployment, I have come realize that my spirituality and holiness requires real effort and real sacrifice.  Ever more, it requires dependence on faith that God’s grace really is enough for me.  

It is my intention to return home and continue to live chastity and continence in fidelity to the command of Jesus.  It is my intention to give all to God and to make daily Mass a priority and ensure that I confess at least once a month that I am a sinner and require the grace and forgiveness of God.  I intend to finish my degree in religious studies.  As I come to live more in harmony with the commandment to be holy, I hope to come to understand what is God’s will for my life.  I hope to have more blog entries to continue my reflection because I want to be a priest.  But what vocations director is going to accept this repentant sinner?  

St Augustine, pray for me.

Forgiveness and Affirmation

“Peace be with you.

As the Father has sent me, so I send you.”

And when he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them,

“Receive the Holy Spirit.

Whose sins you forgive are forgiven them,

and whose sins you retain are retained.”  - John 20:21-23

Today I found myself in a particularly frustrating situation.  I visited a job site where some of my soldiers were working.  I usually either observe, help out or just stay out of the way if there are more senior engineers working with my people.  Today, I made a slight suggestion and one of my new sergeants made a very sarcastic remark.  Ordinarily, I would correct such a decorum violation very quickly and decisively.  But today I chose to let it be and let the soldiers work.  As I had other duties to attend to, I left the job site and moved on.  

It took me a while to realize that while my soldiers know me and I know them, they have also been here in the deployed zone for seven months.  I began to understand that not every single transgression needs to be borne out and dealt with as a capital crime.  Jesus came to the disciples and lived his life of mercy and tenderness but also with conviction and discipline when necessary.  

In an effort to be more Christ-like and a more faithful witness to the Catholic faith, I have had to take a significantly closer look at myself and how I conduct business.  At this point in the tour, I have noticed that the soldiers are not needing more correction but rather affirmation that they are doing great work, which they are.  My soldiers are very good at what they do.  I have also found that they are very productive when they work very early in the mornings.  

The scripture passage for this reflection is from the Gospel of St John.  Jesus has risen and is appearing before the disciples for the first time.  They were fearful of the Jews because it appeared that the Jesus movement had been handled in a most brutal way.  

The followers of The Way were hiding.  Jesus appears in their midst and commissions the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  The disciples themselves must have been very weary for the Prophet Zechariah spoke the words of the Lord, Strike the shepherd and the sheep will be scattered.  Jesus echoes these words of the prophet for the disciples and us in the Gospels of St Mark and St Matthew.  The disciples abandoned the Lord.  

Jesus institutes the Sacrament of Reconciliation without bringing up the faults of the disciples.  He breathes on them and they receive the Holy Spirit and he gives them the authority to forgive sins.  In the imitation of Christ I should forgive the trespasses against me as I seek forgiveness for my sins against others.  I often choose to do wrong and thus also need to be reconciled with the Church because in failing to do good, I have not only wounded my Lord but wound my relationship with the Church.  It is even conceivable that in choosing not to serve the Lord but rather serving myself, I take away from the opportunity to fulfill my obligation inherent in my own baptism to Go and make disciples of all nations.  

And so I fervently pray for the grace to be a witness of love and mercy for my soldiers and all people that I encounter every day.  I pray that God would give me a contrite heart that seeks his own heart most deeply.  I offer myself and my sinfulness to the cross of the Lord and pray that he would crucify the desires in my heart and make of me whatever he wishes for me to be.  From this day may I sing and dance and make a joyful noise to the Lord.  May I always be humble and meek in service to my friends.  And may the Lord grant me a peaceful night and a restful death.  Amen.