Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.
Not as the world gives do I give it to you.
Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. - John 14:27
Jesus said that “I am the Way, the Truth and the Life” in the Gospel of St John, chapter 14, verse 6. God asks us to be firm witnesses to his glory and truth and that requires us to be bearers of truth whether or not that is what we want to do. In the TV program, House M.D., the titular character, Dr. House, reminds his team and the audience that ‘Everybody lies.’ In the spirit of following God and to live more faithfully to the principal vocation to holiness, I wish to reflect upon my thoughts on my particular vocation.
When I was a young person, just over 18 years old, I had a very dramatic conversion into the Catholic faith. It occurred at a Steubenville of the Rockies conference in 2001. For a little context, the conference was in June or July, I don’t exactly recall the date. My senior year in high school began with great expectations but did not end with such. I found that many of the friendships I had were very superficially based. Many of those friendships dissolved during the course of the year. During the year, in the absence of joyful community of friends, I entered into a sexual relationship and even went so far as to smoke marijuana on a couple of occasions. God intervened through one lasting friend. This friend invited me to Mass and to youth group knowing that I was baptized Catholic but hadn’t attended in years. I went and did not really participate and therefore did not want to come back. But the invitation to come back could not be matched by anything because I did not have anywhere else to go. The parish paid for me to go to the Steubenville conference and in adoration I learned that God called me to holiness. It was there I had my confession heard and absolution given for the first time. It was also at that conference, as an unconfirmed youth who had never tasted the body and blood of the Lord, I first confessed that I believed God was calling me to be a priest.
I met with the vocations director who promptly told me that I needed to let the graces of conversion settle. I agreed and I still do. After a summer of fire, my first semester of college gave me a refresher on the world. Then I had to fulfill some Army required training and then rumors swirled of a deployment. The alert and mobilization did come and I went straight to my Archbishop and asked to be confirmed in the faith before I left. He gave his approval and it came to be. During the deployment, I served my fellow Catholic soldiers as a Eucharistic Minister leading communion services in the absence of Catholic chaplains.
Coming back from my first tour was difficult. My friends told me I was different and far more aggressive and intense. Shortly after my return, I met with a new vocations director and the psychological test said that I would not be able to remain celibate and that virtually ended my discussions with that vocations director. Ever the sinner, I engaged again in sexual relationships. I know that my use of alcohol became abusive and I would suffer the consequences for my decisions. I was arrested twice, once for failing to appear in court on a traffic violation, and for driving under the influence. It was interesting that I served a day of jail for the failure to appear warrant but did not serve any time for the DUI. God was certainly merciful. I did my court ordered treatments for about a year and came out with a better understanding of myself and what I was doing. Though I was mired in sin, I still felt the call of God.
After a few more years I met with a third vocations director from the Archdiocese, who actually turned down my first request for an interview. He told me that he did not think I had a vocation. Though I did take a second psychological exam. I never followed up on the second psychological exam as I deployed a second time. I came back and dated two women who are tremendous people. The relationships soured, both exclusively my own doing. And yet, in spite of my own sinfulness, I still felt the call of God.
After the intercession of a nice lady from the parish, I was put in contact with the vocations director for the Dominican Order of the Eastern Province. I visited the Dominican House of Studies numerous times and I am attracted to the Order. It is very difficult not to be. The Friars Preachers were very hospitable and open. They have a great charism for preaching and studying that is very appealing to me. I would often daydream about giving a homily at Mass. I don’t think I revealed this to them. I had a painful six hour interview with the vocations director at home in Colorado where we spent many hours discussing my life from after the first tour through the DUI. That interview was very taxing on me because I had not yet reconciled myself to the criminal and sinful actions that I chose to do. I guess I think that pride was keeping me from dealing with those issues. And now I can faithfully address those issues as being in the past. But the interview after so many hours was not even half way complete. It is still incomplete and after spending so much time discussing that time period of my life exposed my ignorance that I could ignore that part of my life. And I suffered, but still ever so slightly, I felt the call of God.
About two months after that interview, I found myself notified that I would be deployed again. I began to make small preparations and after a few months, I succumbed to temptation and drank in severe excess for the first time in a long time. And that night saw me in complete lack of inhibition give in to sexual temptation too. And that lack of accountability and responsibility was the result of my years of not pursuing wholesome friendships and good Catholic formation. Through this and my current deployment, I feel so vigorous God’s call. But this time God is calling me to live very prayerfully and sacrificially. God is calling me to penance and forgiveness. Through my many years as a “practicing” Catholic, I still entertained porn and the sin of masturbation. I never tried to gain self-mastery. I thought I would wake up and my fleshly desires would not be there. During this deployment, I have come realize that my spirituality and holiness requires real effort and real sacrifice. Ever more, it requires dependence on faith that God’s grace really is enough for me.
It is my intention to return home and continue to live chastity and continence in fidelity to the command of Jesus. It is my intention to give all to God and to make daily Mass a priority and ensure that I confess at least once a month that I am a sinner and require the grace and forgiveness of God. I intend to finish my degree in religious studies. As I come to live more in harmony with the commandment to be holy, I hope to come to understand what is God’s will for my life. I hope to have more blog entries to continue my reflection because I want to be a priest. But what vocations director is going to accept this repentant sinner?
St Augustine, pray for me.
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