This Monday in the fifth week of Lent has readings that strike me very close to home. I ordinarily select a quote from the readings to reflect upon and put out what I think I would say if I were a priest giving a homily. What person does that? I have had dreams where I was saying the Mass. I have also dreamt that I was being ordained a bishop. Why would anybody even admit to something like that? I have spent my entire life since my conversion to Catholicism thinking about priesthood. I’ve never dated a girl and thought about marrying her. I’ve only thought about marrying after a break-up or marrying somebody who I was not with. How does this relate to the readings today? Well they don’t but they do.
I don’t think that a particular scripture contradicts that God is calling us to live holy and virtuous lives. The scriptures today are about integrity and purity. These readings explicitly call us to avoid lust and sexual temptation. The integrity, I think is a bit more hidden than the actual sin of lust in these readings. In the first, Susanna chooses to trust the Lord and tells the truth to the judges as to what happened in the garden. She refuses to be extorted into having sex; she refuses to be raped. Integrity is reinforced by the courageous act of holding to the truth. And she is eventually vindicated and absolved upon further scrutiny of her situation.
In the Gospel reading for today, Jesus speaks to us about exploitative lust. But he does not focus on the sin, however, he does not take away from sin. Jesus does what Jesus does. He takes the sin and he provides healing. Rather than condemn the woman, Jesus calls her to repentance and offers her healing. He calls out those who would condemn her and simply states that the one without sin may cast the first stone. The accusers act with integrity and put down the stones and walk away.
Lust and integrity. In order to conquer lustful temptations has to begin with integrity. I have to admit that I am tempted with lustful thoughts. I then have to admit that I have acted upon those thoughts. Next, I have to be sorry. The final step is to admit that I have to take action. That action is confession, preferably the sacramental variety.
I think I was 11 or 12 when I was first exposed to hardcore pornography. I might have been younger. I also remember my first encounter with masturbation. It was not actually from the porn, it was a family friend who introduced this to me. It was about the same time. I guess the real truth is that, if my estimates are close, that I’ve spent about 60% of my life battling sin. 20% of my life was in the darkness and not knowing how I was undermining my life. 40% was spent still battling the sin and hiding it. And today, I just put this out for whoever to find it that I am probably a liar. I spent so much time hiding this behind a facade of holiness.
I have spent so much of my life seeking God. That is true. I chose a child to follow Jehovah’s Witnesses because it gave me a model for prayer and faith. I would participate in Gospel bible studies because we have to study the word of God. And then, I was overcame by the sin that was already in my life. It is amazing how the truth given to us by God comes to us in the sacred scriptures. “Where sin increased, grace overflowed all the more” (Romans 5:20). While hiding these sins from the world, I have met with vocations directors but never applied to the seminary. I’ve had two psych evaluations. The first told me that I could never be celibate. It was true. Well, it was at the time. I’ve been told that I must come to know self-mastery. I have never been good at self control for anything.
I actually told one of my soldiers on this deployment that he needed to get over his addiction to Monster energy drinks. This young man is drinking multiple Monsters every day. I told him outright that he had to come to know self mastery. He has not had success. How can I expect him to succeed at all at combating addictions when I myself haven’t really put any effort into defeating my own sins.
I don’t remember anything very well unless it is a quote from a movie. I only know is that the last time I went to confession was on March 28, 2014. The last confession before that was before I mobilized to deploy which was on September 20, 2013. Where sin runs deep, God’s grace is more. How can I possibly feel “priestly” when I live with the knowledge that I have had sex and cannot determine the number of partners there are? Augustinian conversions are rare but not impossible. And with God all things are possible. Fr Mitch Pacwa SJ, tells me that to hear God, I have to know him. Well, I know of God. I begin to wonder if I know God. I feel like the pastor in the Left Behind books.
I know i have missed out. I only wish I would have been so courageous as to have stayed closer to the faith after my conversion. I wish I could have been a better and holier person. I wish Jesus would have spoken to me 13 years ago tell me to ‘go and sin no more.’ The reality is that Jesus did and I wasn’t listening. I was busy hearing friends place me upon a sanctimonious pedestal and pride keeping me there. I couldn’t open my heart because it would have exposed the fraud. But today there is no fraud because there is not much to hide. I wanted to be a priest. If I could hear God, would he still be calling? I don’t know. But one thing remains: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you and am no longer worth to be called your son. May God have mercy on me, a sinner.
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