A Lenten Love

I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you,
praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you...-Philippians 1:3-4


The more I come to think about my life as it is and where it is going, I cannot escape the past.  The past is an essential piece to each person and I am no exception.  Our collective pasts teach us always about how the world works and who people are. 


I left Colorado with the mindset that Alaska is a temporary location for me.  And in many ways, it is still a temporary location.  However, what I had not expected was to find a place that could feel like home.  Along with this home, has come a community that made it a mission to proclaim the kingdom of God and to seek it above all else.  Such a goal has left me contemplative of whether I am even worthy of such a group of friends.  The short answer is no, but worthiness is not necessarily a criterion for acceptance.  This is especially true in Christianity. 


When I sat down to consider a new entry for the blog, the daily reading did not inspire me in such a way as to bring reflection but the letter to the Philippians has never failed to reach me.  I often resonate with the gospel of the day but today I resonate with St Paul.  While intimacy has been a particular struggle for me, I cannot say that I have not experienced the soul wrenching, years-in-the-making, type of love that often typifies the deep, committed, been together forever, relationship usually resulting in marriage.  I can say that I have experienced this once.  It is still a weird sentiment for me, even now, after all these years.  The feeling is a slight pull of the heart but not one that interferes with my life.  But without that love, I would not know love.  I would remain, as Pope John Paul II described, "a being incomprehensible to himself" (Redemptor Hominis).  And it resulted with the good words of St Paul:  "I give thanks to God at every remembrance of you, praying always with joy in my every prayer for ... you."  Because truly loving for once, if only one up until now, has allowed me a far greater appreciate of faith, love, and God.


Nicholas Sparks often has a way with romantic words.  But I think that when it comes to a first love (particularly one that does not work out [as the imminent quote comes from and hints to]) the book/movie, The Best of Me, expresses a uniquely beautiful idea.  The character, Dawson, says in a letter that is read after he dies, "I love who I am when I'm with you, Amanda.  You are my dearest friend, my deepest love.  You are the very best of me." 


In order to have some continuity with the season of Lent, I would like to invite a brief reflection upon the tenets of Lent.  Lent asks us to consider, and practice, prayer, fasting and almsgiving.  These are intimately related to the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity and obedience.  They are the fruit of faith, hope, and love.  Lenten love is a beautiful love.  It points towards the sacrifice, redemption, and salvation in the Passion, Death and Resurrection of the Lord. 


Authentically amorous or familial relationships should not be different and should have some sort of Lenten character to them.  They should involve some sort of service and support to the other.  It should will the good of the other.  And in success or failure, it should continue to be loving.  But there is a beauty in my own memories of love.  I thank God for it and pray for joy for you.  So if it works out in the end or not, there should always be joy in love.  And we should never stop praying for each other.


I don't know if I seek the one as Dawson does in Nicholas Sparks' The Best of Me.  I wonder if there is a 'dearest friend, a deepest love' who is not the beloved spouse.  Perhaps genuine love is its own unique character that can only exist between two distinct people.  If family is our first experience of love, then it would lead me to speculate that love can have an infinite number of identities, versions, types.  My love for my sister, Jennifer, is vastly different from my love for my sister, Teresa.  It is not deeper, lesser or greater, but it is very different. 


So for now, I can readily, and heartily accept that "I love who I am when I'm with you... You are my dearest friend, my deepest love.  You are the very best of me."

Harry Potter and the Spirit of Right Judgment?

You shall not act dishonestly in rendering judgment.
Show neither partiality to the weak nor deference to the mighty,
but judge your fellow men justly. - Leviticus 19:15

Upon reviewing my blog, I noticed that I had only registered three posts for calendar year 2015.  I try to recall what made 2015 so full that I could not take time to write more than three entries.  I do not believe that I filled my calendar with feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, visiting the imprisoned, tending to the sick, or welcomed a stranger.  The reason I do not believe that these events filled my calendar is because I do not recall performing a single corporal work of mercy.  

After reviewing a few definitions, mercy is essentially a lesser punishment than what could be expected or justly dispensed.  Last night before Mass, I said a little prayer for my sister who has be gone for nearly five years.  I prayed that God's mercy might touch her and bring her into his house and give her a room prepared for her and that if God's mercy could be so generous, that I would be allowed to join her.  

In the Gospel today, Jesus tells of the final judgment.  The Church teaches that there are two judgments; the particular judgment which occurs at the moment of death and the final judgment which comes when Jesus comes in glory.  He outlines the criteria for entry into heaven.  The Church refers to these criteria as the corporal works of mercy.  

Today, I would like to offer a preliminary commentary on mercy inspired by today's readings.  I have two topics to discuss that are not too unrelated.  The first is the actual action of judging and the second is love.  During the season of Lent this year, the Holy Father, it seems to me, would like for us to consider judgment and love in addition to the statutory prayer, fasting and alms giving.  I gather this because this year he has made this the year of mercy.  

Many of my protestant friends and most of my secular friends are very fond of the scripture "judge not lest ye be judged."  Another pithy statement that I often hear is "only God can judge."  In the light of today's readings, I cannot possibly imagine that any Catholic, or any Christian for that matter, can shirk the responsibility when presented to them.  Judgment, it seems, can become a moral imperative and so we must be well formed.  It is thus one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit is the spirit of counsel.  Interestingly enough, counsel is often referred to as the spirit of right judgment.  

It is not often that I use fiction to make a point, but I would like to recall a very brief event from the novel Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.  At the end of the school year, when the headmaster was tallying points to award the House Cup, he awarded last minute points.  He awarded the final points to Gryffindor house's Neville Longbottom for courage for standing up to his friends.  Earlier in the film, the character rightly guessed that his friends were going to break house rules and cause trouble and he called them out on it.  While the circumstance did not end well for him and the plot advanced, the recollection of this event later in the book glorifies the actions of Neville.  The spirit of fortitude is often supplemented by right judgment.  The story would have ended the same without this little moral act.  However, had Harry or any other character said to Neville once confronted, "judge not lest ye be judged" or "only God can judge," and had Neville replied, "You know what? You're right," would have made Neville look like a fool and tarnished the honor of the mission.

This blog entry is not for a commentary on relativism but it is worth noting that I believe that sin exists and to each action there is a definitive right and wrong.  It is interesting that in the Harry Potter series that right and wrong are often not clear.  Neville is rewarded and recognized for making it clear that Harry and company were wrong.  While not proper in this context,  I must note for emphasis (and my nerdy love of Harry Potter) that the quest at the end of the first book was character defining for the three principle characters but it was completely unnecessary.  While not stated explicitly, Neville was right that they were going to break rules.  The kids were not punished for their violations, but they broke the rules all the same.  They wanted to prevent the primary villain from obtaining the philosopher's stone.  After the sordid ordeal ended, the reader learns that there was a small bit of information about the stone that would have prevented the villain's ability to retrieve it.  Thus the whole quest was entirely unnecessary as the risk was not actually present only perceived.  

Judgment is a necessary prerequisite in mercy.  As many definitions explain, mercy requires a judgment and then a lesser punishment than deserved.  One who cannot rightly judge cannot, by definition, be merciful.  Thus I pray to God that you and I may be given a spirit of right judgment.  Then perhaps in God's grace we may be among those described by Jesus:  "Blessed are the merciful; for they will be shown mercy."

The second commentary is on love.  Ordinarily, my commentary on love is repetitive and essentially the same thing over and over again.  I would like to share a story that happened just over three months ago.  The men's group I was a part of invited the Archbishop of Denver to speak to us on manhood.  During the preceding barbecue, some of us engaged his attendant, a seminarian, about his studies.  He noted that homiletics was by and far the most difficult class.  He recounted the extreme stress he felt when one day their professor decided to have each man give a one-minute homily.  I commented something to the effect that this seemed like the least stressful of tasks.  I noted that with only a minute it would seem in most circumstances to prudently default to the greatest commandment according to Jesus, "love as I loved you.." and place it in the gospel context.  If this is too daunting, then authentically convey love for the people.  If words fail, then do one's best to imitate Jesus.  The Archbishop and the seminarian both looked at me very discerningly.  I left Colorado for Alaska shortly thereafter, so I could not follow up.  

I suffer greatly from pride.  A priest-friend once told me that I should not speak about myself unless asked about myself as a small method to deal with the sin.  It is rather difficult to do so.  Intellectual vanity is a terrible struggle.  Look at me, I am so smart.  Look at me, I am so right.  Look at me.  Great care must be taken to ensure that the intent of my blog and the action of my blog proceed harmoniously in love.  The purpose of blogging may have begun in pride, but now it is to get my thoughts out there.  If I can evangelically reach that one lost sheep and be an instrument that Jesus uses to bring them back, then all praise to God.  

Love is an absolute prerequisite for mercy.  This brings us full circle.  The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that mercy is fruit of charity (love) in paragraph 1829.  In this reflection on mercy, it seems that I must wholeheartedly reconsider to what degree I exercise love and right judgment.  If the fruit of love is mercy, and I have do not perform any works of mercy, then it stands to reason that I have not loved at all.  Thus I would have failed in the most basic commandment to just love.  Pride is a terrible sin that keeps me from loving as I ought.  In order to right myself and to continue to hope in my prayer to be reunited with my beloved sister in heaven, I firmly renew my Lenten disciplines:  I give up Facebook to be more open to people; I take up the Chaplet of Divine Mercy to pray for God's mercy on us all; and I work on this pernicious sin of pride so that I may love authentically and wholly.  

May the Lord bring us all peace.

A Whole New World

For this momentary light affliction 

is producing for us an eternal weight 

of glory beyond all comparison.  -2 Corinthians 4:17

Since I last entered a blog entry, I have graduated college, I have accepted a promotion, and I have left my world behind and moved to Alaska.  This has possibly been the greatest step in faith I have taken.  I accepted the new job with great trepidation and fear.  I have carried so much baggage from Raleigh to Denver with the hopes to shed it all.  And now I am wondering what the future even looks like.  There really is no direction out here but up.  

A friend of a friend invited me to join a community.  Community is vastly underrated when it comes to how I view my social life.  Facebook is not a social life no matter how much I try to make it that way.  Facebook doesn't enhance anything about my life.  In fact, Facebook brings into sharp relief all the things that I miss out on.  Parties and outings with friends I left behind are documented with great clarity.  

I don't feel depressed by any stretch of the imagination.  I just feel called to return to a lifestyle that is far more humble than I have been living.  I was asked recently how my prayer life was, and it is non-existent.  In a way, realizing this is a tremendous grace.  Say a prayer that I remember to say a prayer and be thankful for a wonderful opportunity here in the final frontier.  

I always told the teens in the youth program I served, 'in the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have overcome the world."  There is nothing to be sad about.  I've missed many opportunities in the past.  I have regrets that could fill an encyclopedia.  I have learned more than I should have.  And mostly, I've learned to be patient.  I can only do what I can do.  For the rest, I will wait.  

Hope and Joy

The joy of the Gospel fills the hearts and lives

of all who encounter Jesus. – Evangelii Gaudium, Pope Francis

I have been neglecting my blog for quite some time.  This has been somewhat intentional and, at times, it has been a reflection of the busy-ness of my life.  This past week, I joined a men’s group that has taken upon the Apostolic Exhortation of Pope Francis, Evangelii Gaudium, as a study.  Our first week, we studied just the introduction.  Though this discussion took place two days ago, I still find myself reflecting upon the passage that we read. 

This document is about evangelization.  This should not be a surprise.  However, this does not mean that the document does not have practical purpose and insight for all people without regard to religious preference.  Pope Francis openly declares in this introduction that evangelization “is first and foremost about preaching the Gospel to those who do not know Jesus Christ or who have always rejected him” (14). 

I believe there are two major themes of the introduction to this exhortation.  The first theme is that our world has allowed technology to increase the accessibility of pleasure but technology cannot be the source of joy.  The second theme is well defined:  “Joy adapts and changes, but it always endures, even as a flicker of light born of our personal certainty that, when everything is said and done, we are infinitely loved” (6). 

One of the great tragedies of the modern era has been the degrading of language.  Joy has become nearly synonymous with happy.  At best, it has become a superlative of happy but this cannot be authentic or true.  Happy is an emotion that can change to sadness and never the twain shall meet.  These are distinct emotions that find their expression in feeling.  We can alternate between the two quite rapidly but never experience them at the same time.  The action of joy is to rejoice.  The Christian can rejoice in sorrow, sadness, or even suffering.  The early Christians even found happiness in suffering.  There can be joy with sadness or sorry but one cannot be happy and sad simultaneously.

So what does this mean for me?  This has been more than a question on the table during a discussion.  My reflections over the past few days have been essentially the same.  I have been diving in to the depths of joy and wondering how can I be formed to live joy to the fullest in my life, all day and every day. 

I’ve been trying to remember my state of mind when I first wake up in the morning.  Am I rejoicing in the creation of the day?  Am I thankful for the first breath of air or the sunrise (or today’s rain)?  Do I rejoice in having a job that allows me to live in modest comfort?  I reflected on how I carry myself in the office.  When I walk into the office, I try to remember that how people perceive me begins with how I present myself in the morning.  This thought helps me to recollect myself and to prepare myself to encounter the day. 

The introduction to Evangelii Gaudium also notes that all people “have a right to receive the Gospel” (14).  This right is often deprived from many people because of the lukewarm nature of the average Christian.  But what is this Gospel?  What is this good news?  The truth of the Gospel has never changed.  Jesus came, suffered, died and rose again.  The last part seems to be very difficult for many people.  Because Jesus rose from the dead establishes for us that those who die in Christ will also share in his resurrection.  This the source of Christian hope. 

In a sense, a person cannot have hope without the resurrection of Jesus.  The modern definition of hope is to expect with confidence.  However, when one states something to the effect of I hope I have a good day, or I hope so-and-so is feeling better, we are essentially expressing a wish and not a confident expectation.  Hope has a supernatural component that requires faith to move forward.  Hope is not self-efficacious because then it cannot be hope.  If my heart stops, I cannot will it to start again.  I can hope it starts again.  The will of God may use a person to start my heart or he may use a miracle.  But that is hope. 

Hope and joy are linked eternally.  They both find their source and fulfillment in God.  Hope and joy are best received by our participation in them with God.  All persons are capable of faith, hope and love.  However, the Christian cannot waver in these.  Any indication of the other will lead to a perception of hypocrisy and this is a tool of the enemy to undermine the reality of God’s love.  God’s love does not require our perfection but it does require our effort.  I will never be perfect, but I pray that I will never cease to will to be perfected in my Christian charity. 

I will for the conversion of all people, especially those who already identify as Christian.  I recognize that my evangelization cannot begin until I begin to love others more deeply that I always demonstrate that I only want what is good for them as opposed to what is convenient for me.  

Dies Domini Exhortation

(I was asked to give an exhortation a few months ago.  I am blogging it now)

My brothers in Christ,

It is with great humility that I deliver this reflection this evening.  I know that among my friends there are men who are more educated, more holy, and more faithful.  But I ask the Lord for his words:

Let us pray.  Lord Jesus Christ, you are the Word of God spoken to us.  You give us life and light and call us to live holy lives for you.  Be on our hearts and minds this evening and help us to have authentic fraternal brotherhood that is pleasing to you.  May God grant us pardon and peace through Christ our Lord.

The third commandment tells us to “Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.”  In his Apostolic Letter, Dies Domini, Holy Father Pope St John Paul II invites us to live heroically the holy day of the week.  Let us hear his words:

The disciples of Christ, however, are asked to avoid any confusion between the celebration of Sunday, which should truly be a way of keeping the Lord's Day holy, and the "weekend", understood as a time of simple rest and relaxation. This will require a genuine spiritual maturity, which will enable Christians to "be what they are", in full accordance with the gift of faith, always ready to give an account of the hope which is in them (cf. 1 Pt 3:15). In this way, they will be led to a deeper understanding of Sunday, with the result that, even in difficult situations, they will be able to live it in complete docility to the Holy Spirit. - “Dies Domini”, Pope John Paul II

The Lord invites us to enjoy a day of rest.  He does not, however, invite us to be lazy.  Lazy Christianity leads to temptations and unnecessary challenges to holy living.  But, authentic Christianity calls us to embrace fraternal joy and communion on His day of rest.  The joy of Lord comes to us all when we live the call of Christ to universal holiness.  

Even in this day, the brothers here demonstrate for us this call.  I do not yet know each person here to enter into the Church’s idea of communion.  And yet, as a stranger I am welcome.  Hungry, I am fed.  Communion with each other is a deep and loving relationship that is neither selfish nor falsely pious.  It is when we embrace the friendship of Christ and live that friendship do we begin to enter into communion with each other.  These friendships find their growth on this day of rest and find their perfection in the Eucharistic feast of the Mass.  We were made for communion and we were made to live this each day and not just at the Mass.  

Each day let us remember that we are called to work and pray, but we are also called to enjoy our holy friendships.  May we always keep our hearts ready as thrones for the Holy Trinity.  And thus will we always be holy and pleasing for the Lord, and beacons of hope and joy for each other.  May the Lord bring us all his peace and joy.  

I Know You Are But What Am I?

I write to you not because you do not know the truth 

but because you do, and because every lie is alien to the truth.- 1 John 2:21

This is my first post in many months.  I hope to write about what has been going on but first, I want to talk about a thought that has been with me for some time.  

When I was in grade school, the kids gave me the nickname “chia” after the pottery product, Chia Pet.  I had hair that today makes me hearken to Harry Potter descriptions as dark and out of control.  Their nickname was not necessarily misplaced.  The point of this story is that kids say things that should really make us think as adults.  Our parents tell us to tell kids who pick on us that sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.  But what often comes out is I know you are but what am I?  

‘I know you are but what am I’?  This phrase has been on my heart so much lately.  I am in the process of beginning my application to seminary.  It seems that my prayer life has been so desolate and I am completely under spiritual attack often.  And yet, I cannot look to Jesus and say with all honesty, ‘I know you are but what am I’?  

The scripture readings for the day before the feast of Mary, Mother of God, begins with a passage from the first letter of Saint John.  In this passage, he directs the children to beware for people who are posing as saviors.  He also gives this same warning to us.  He tells us that we have been anointed by Christ, recalling our baptism in the same Christ our Lord.  The Church teaches that through the Holy Spirit that we are given gifts and this passage specifically references the gift of knowledge.  We can know that God is God.  

The Gospel also calls to mind the divine nature of Jesus as we hear the opening verses of Saint John’s Gospel.  The Word was with God and the Word was God.  May the Lord help us to remember who he is.  And in the throes of the struggles of every life, it is easy to think that the struggle that I face, and all people face, is the temptation to forget that Jesus is always present to us.  And when life falls apart and the struggles overwhelm me, I cry to Jesus for help.  

When things are good and bad, I pray that I can cry out to Jesus:  I know you are but what am I.  And in his loving kindness, may He tell me who I am.

Kill It!!!

‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; 

I no longer deserve to be called your son.’

But his father ordered his servants, 

‘Quickly bring the finest robe and put it on him; 

Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet.

Take the fattened calf and slaughter it. 

Then let us celebrate with a feast,

because this son of mine was dead, 

and has come to life again; 

he was lost, and has been found.’  - Luke 15:21-24

I’ve been contemplating the story of the Prodigal Son according to the Gospel of St Luke during my morning holy hour.  I am quite rusty at my practice of Lectio Divina.  I have also been lacking in posting reflections to my blog as well.  

Jesus is teaching the people through parables.  Jesus also speaks to us as well.  In the parable of the prodigal son, we focus on a selfish and greedy son who demands his inheritance and then leaves his father and older brother.  He goes and spends all his money in a foreign land and ends up having to hire himself out.  He realizes his folly when he becomes jealous that pigs have enough to eat while he himself suffers to try to get by.  He goes home and offers to serve his father.  He is forgiven and his father offers a feast for his son who is alive again.  The older brother freaks out and refuses to participate even though his father pleads with him.  

The story of the younger son seems to pique our interest because it is very relatable in the context of today’s culture.  The younger son has an entitled mentality and demands his living.  He then takes his money and splurges himself with various carnal pleasures.  He eventually blows through his money because of this frivolity.  He goes home humbled.  He finds mercy from his father.  This is what we find from Jesus.  

The Lord gives us free will so that we can selflessly choose him.  The Lord does not coerce us into serving him and love, by its very nature, cannot be coercive.  I know that I often, by my actions, tell the Lord that I want my inheritance and I go out and do what I want.  And I realize my error, I come back to the Lord in the Sacrament of Reconciliation.  I say to the Lord, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you; I no longer deserve to be called your son.  Have mercy on me a sinner.’  And the Lord, in his love and mercy, takes me back and calls me to resume my friendship with him.  

My contemplation focused on the older brother.  Where was the older brother when the younger demanded his share of the estate?  How is it possible that the older brother misses a party thrown in the big house while he is in the field?  I realize from the older brother’s reaction to his brother’s return that he is fully aware of everything that is going on.  The older brother has an interest in how his father divides the estate.  So he sees when his brother leaves, what his share would have looked like.  What he saw was enough to convince him to stay and do as he was told.  The older brother appears like the good guy; he says what needed to be said and does what needed to be done.  However, it is when the younger brother comes home, that we see what lurks in the heart of the older brother.  The father sees the son, runs to him and gives him the best robe in the house.  It is problem adorned with jewels and threads of precious metals.  He gets a ring, probably with the family crest on it which symbolizes his return.  And he is given sandals.  The father orders a feast for the return of the son.  The older brother is angry and refuses to enter the house.  It seems that he is jealous and angry at the charity and mercy shown to his younger brother.  He seems greedy because he is upset that his father never gave him so much as a goat.  And the father compassionately points out that all he has is to be inherited by the older brother.  Why is this so upsetting for the older brother?  I think that he is upset because he thinks the repentant brother is going to carve into his inheritance.  Again the same entitled mentality that plagued the younger brother is also present in the older brother.  

What I want to reflect on today is the older brother.  I think the older brother’s behavior should be a warning to me and all people of good will.  The brother is obedient and dutiful.  He does what he is told and fulfills his obligations.  But his heart is selfish and lacks love and mercy.  And thus the warning to me seems to be that I should constantly reflect upon my actions and words and review their source.  Do I perform my tasks and endeavors with a heart of love and mercy, or are they for selfish reasons?  The Lord wants his people to seek him with their whole heart out of love for him.  The Lord does not want us to do “Christian things” because we think we can earn salvation.  And so, with each passing day, I pray for the strength and grace to love Jesus so much that he is the source of everything I say and do.  

And if I fail to love as I should, may we be welcomed by God, the Father, back into his love and life.  Through his love and mercy, my I be brought to new life.  May he tell the servants when he sees me to get that calf and kill it.