My Pathological Need For Communion

The Church is all about communion.  Communion with Jesus.  Communion with each other.  I am, and forever will be, dependent on communion.  I need my friends and my family and my faith.  My Platoon Sergeant even gave me a Christian Soldier challenge coin to commemorate this tour where he gave me so much crap about faith, in jest, and I took it all in stride.  I am set to return to Denver very imminently and the reality is setting in that we are going home.  It is comforting to know that I mattered and he cares.

It seems that throughout my life, I have always had somebody to talk to.  During this tour, my most faithful correspondents were my friend, Lauren, and my boss, Betsy.  Before this tour, Lauren and I regularly exchanged emails during the workday to pass the more stressful times by focusing on the better things in life.  During the last tour, Lauren was also very good at sending me emails to keep me up to speed on home.  For the few years before the last tour, I had my good friend Phil living with me and we had some seriously epic conversations.  Before that, there was Derek who was practically implacable since Basic Training.  During my first semester at college, I had Peggy.  

Last night, I had a long phone call with my mother.  It took me over two weeks to talk to my mom since coming back to the States, and I am still not home yet.  Peggy’s family has been our family friend for decades that precede my own birth.  When I was younger, I used to spend weeks of my summer vacation with her grandparents.  At first, they pawned me off on her because they figured that I would not want to spend my summer with them.  Her grandfather was homebound with terminal COPD.  Peggy and I would usually go to the beach with some of her friends.  It would not take long for me to develop an attraction to her and her lifestyle.  She seemed pretty care free and appeared to have a good time most days.  

I learned that I was just a little too young to really be on her radar.  Fast forward a few years and we become AOL chat buddies.  I used to stay up late at college in the computer lab at the dorm and chat for all hours of the night with her.  After that first semester and basic training, I fell out of touch with her.  After my first tour, I visited her grandmother and saw her only briefly.  It became quickly apparent that I was still just some visage of a family legacy that was dying.  After a marriage and dissolution for her, we reconnect briefly again and I learn that she has a son.  My life quickly went through its own challenges with my two run-ins with the law.  During my second tour, we reconnected again, albeit briefly, diving into the truth of the decade prior.  How I felt, how she did not feel, and generally exchanged encouraging messages back and forth.  I always told her that she and her family were very important to me.  I came home on leave and met her for lunch on the way to see my family.  We had a good lunch conversation, just like old times with a little more ‘tension.’

Two weeks later, I was back in North Carolina because my sister had passed away.  During one of my first conversations with her on the phone while back, I learned that she had developed feelings.  I quickly became a bastard to her because I would not leave my family to see her during our real difficulty.  In many respects, I was a bastard because I talked to her on Facebook.  I sensed that our dynamic had changed but did nothing to quell the ‘tension’ I helped to create a few weeks before.  The reason I did not pursue anything was because I, myself, developed a great attraction over Facebook during that second deployment.  

One of the most difficult things during a deployment is being so disconnected from home.  Emails and Facebook are great tools to stay in touch.  I think it is easy to say from four years in the future that I fell in love for the first time.  I felt more for someone else than I did for myself.  Up until that point, relationships were a means to an end whether or not I was really aware of that at a surface level.  I would have done well in Victorian England because all of my relationships before I was 27 were about what they could do for me.  My first girlfriend was not really about attraction or compatibility but rather about having the title of ‘boyfriend.’  The second was about having a greater standing in my social circle in High School because she was one of the centers of that circle.  The next girlfriend was about sex.  And my dysfunctional relationships continued along selfish lines.  But I changed with her.  I would do what I thought would please her but at the same time did not deal with my issues from the second tour.  

I did not really believe that I was that messed up after the first deployment and the law broke my feelings of invincibility but I didn’t change.  After the second, I could not hide that I had reflexes and reactions that were violent.  The second tour was violent.  We dealt with soldiers getting blown up, and soldiers from our base getting killed.  Blackouts for notifications were not frequent but they happened enough to keep us on guard.  My soldiers had to repair bases that experienced catastrophic damage from assaults.  My own actions and aggressions even appeared at the office during the first few months of my new job at the time.  But for the most part, she was there through all of that.  I should have known how much she cared when she sheltered me in Denver right before my sister’s funeral when my family sent me away for a few days because I was just too angry for them to deal with at that difficult time.  But I ruined that, of course.  Over time, my behavior became too much and I was alone.  

I ached over the loss of her.  I dated one other after her and that relationship did not last.  My own thoughts though faded drifted around.  The girlfriend at the time did every thing she could for me but it wasn’t enough and we separated after a week of real arguments about me and my life.  I felt bad for that relationship because I knew somewhere deep that was not what I wanted.  

I still was wounded from her and it showed in the next relationship.  I could have never dreamed that she would call just a few months later and we caught up real fast.  I tried to prove my worth and how much I had grown.  We went out a lot and from the outside we were together but the deep and lasting commitment was not there.  Before her first call that year, I volunteered for another deployment more out of guilt for the relationship after her.  She took my mind off most of that guilt and even talked deep with me about it one night when she called me out on hiding my thoughts and feelings.  She challenged me to be better.  But, this is me and I would eventually ruin this good thing by getting selfish.  I thought about me in the weeks preceding my ship date to the new unit.  I was more concerned about me than her.  It’s a good thing she was not committed like I wanted her to be because of my selfishness.  I justified it in my mind because I thought I was being selfless by doing every thing she’d let me during her struggle with me, us, and my upcoming departure.  But in the end, selfishness tanked any hope that I may have had for anything.  When will I learn the lasting goodness of selflessness?

As I have freely admitted in entries before this one, I am fearful about going home to my life.  It will not look like what I left.  Dozens of coworkers have moved on.  My friends have moved on.  I assume she has moved on.  In eight months, I have received a brief comment.  Not much to go off, but good for her.  She has a great head on her shoulders and is very business savvy; she will be good (and Maroon 5, ‘she will be loved’).  

This long entry is a result of my phone call with my mom because mom assumed that she and I were still talking.  She said that she is probably excited that I am coming home.  I had to express my doubts and reveal my own faults just before the deployment.  Mom and I talked about my sisters, Peggy and her family, my family and some other things.  And I think.  So this is my thoughts.  I need my friends and family.  I need communion.

It's Time To Go Home

Then they all went home. - John 7:53

The scripture passage I chose today is about the discussion with the Pharisees about the Messiah.  Today, I am not going to reflect about the identity of the Messiah but rather, I am going to reflect on home.  I left home on September 20, 2013 to mobilize and deploy with my unit on my third military deployment.  A few days ago I was blessed enough to breathe the free air of America.  

I have made a few phone calls to some friends and family.  I have not contacted everybody I need to yet.  I haven’t even been able to talk to my mother yet.  But while I am not actually home yet, I am already starting to feel like I am home.  I know that there will be many dinners and discussions to be had in the near future.  There will be much catching up with my friends and family.  I will have been gone for about 11 months.  I know that I have grown and the people around me will have grown as well.  

Reintegration is what the Army calls it when we come home and assimilate back into our civilian lives.  This time is filled with trepidation and joy.  My soul cannot help but be worried about what it will be like to be home.  The joy is already filled in my heart to be so close to the people I love dearly.  Yet, I still consider what it will be like to try to plan the first few weeks to make sure that I can get to the people who have been very good to me with their thoughts, prayers, time and gifts while I was gone.  

I also want to get back to doing the things that I love.  My friends have already started to plan ‘adventures’ for some of the weekends.  I have already accepted the invitation for a camping/rock climbing trip to Moab, Utah.  I have tentative plans to visit North Carolina, Florida and Texas.  I have agreed to have dinner and dessert with an old friend who will be passing through Colorado in November.  

I am very interested to getting back to Church and finding the ministries that I can contribute to.  I am sure that I will be very involved with the Knights of Columbus again.  I look forward to finding a place in the liturgy as either a lector, Eucharistic Minister, or in music ministry.  The latter would bring me such great joy for I dearly love music.  But at this point I ‘raise [my] white flag. [I] surrender all... the war is over.  Love has come.  Your love has won.’  That comes from Chris Tomlin’s “White Flag” with a few nominal changes.  

My war is over.  It’s time to go home.

Even If

Behold, I am with you until the end of the age. - Matthew 28:20

Today, I wish I could discuss some theological aspect of the love and mercy of Jesus.  But, I am in the throes of momentary spiritual desolation.  The concept and experience of desolation does not keep me from my reflections.  I could make a reflection based off what I’ve read from theologians past.  However, today seems like it would be much more appropriate to write a narrative about me and what I am feeling in this moment.  

My return to the U.S. from deployment will happen.  Though I don’t know the day or the hour, I know the day is coming.  All deployments end and I am now recognizing a pattern after three.  My emotions and thought processes pick up from where I was when I left for Active Duty.  The three biggest things for me when I left were a quasi-breakup in a relationship, an awkward evening with co-worker (nothing happened, thankfully), and general anxiety over my friends.  

I have learned that I am not as important as I often think I am.  With that said, I have learned that life goes on for people who have to live it.  My friends learn to accept not having me around and they learn how to go on without me.  With this realization, I often weigh myself down with thoughts of how to reintegrate my friends into my life.  Each deployment has proven that this will be a mighty struggle.  But this does not worry me much because my friends and I love each other.  We will work to renew our bonds and strengthen our friendships.  

I eventually have to go back to work.  I am sure that there will be lingering questions about an awkward evening before I left.  Nothing happened thankfully.  I am looking forward to getting back to an office and responsibilities that don’t have to be with me all the time.  Sleep does not even interrupt my responsibilities here.  

And last, and certainly the most heavy for my heart, is the quasi-breakup before I left.  Love is absolutely the greatest gift God has given man.  I must admit that I had not respected love itself before the quasi-breakup.  I had never experienced love in a relationship before this one.  I have tales of lust that may haunt me for the rest of my life, but only one story of love.  That one story is what weighs most on my heart.  

What is great about the human person is capability to be resilient.  To be flexible and adapt and overcome are qualities that reflect the greatness of people.  And thus, it is no surprise (to restate) that she has (or will) moved on.  During the deployment, this was very difficult for me and I elected to un-friend her on Facebook.  This was a decision that I struggled with and will continue to struggle with.  And coming home, I am already anxious and fearful over just seeing her again.  I am sure that it is an inevitability because we have common friends.  The simple, Catholic response is to trust God.  

Tomorrow, I will go to Mass.  I will receive the Lord into my body and my heart.  I don’t expect to feel any better or worse.  But I know on a scholarly level that Jesus is with me.  That is why I chose the scripture at the beginning of this blog entry.  I still have hope that the Lord will guide me when I get home to do I am supposed to do.  But for now, I like the the song “Even If” by Kutless.  It is worth listening to.  Its words express my hope in this moment of desolation (emphasis mine):

Sometimes all we have to hold on to

Is what we know is true of who You are

So when the heartache hits like a hurricane

That could never change who You are

And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways

So we set our faith in who You are

Even though You reign high above us

You tenderly love us

We know Your heart

And we rest in who You are

Even if the healing doesn’t come

And life falls apart

And dreams are still undone

You are God You are good

Forever faithful One

Even if the healing

Even if the healing doesn’t come

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 5

“Thus says the LORD: Put your house in order,
for you are about to die; you shall not recover.”- Isaiah 38:1

Today’s reflection is a continuation of Part 4.  This will be a vocational reflection but I want to share some anecdotal stories before really getting heavy into the meat of today’s reflection. 

Having daily Mass in Afghanistan has been a tremendous boost to my spiritual strength and has been food to my soul.  I often prepare the readings before Mass, I only glanced briefly at the readings today because I was running late for Mass.  Sometimes, mission dictates that I cannot make the weekday Mass.  Today, arrived just before the rosary and after I briefly glanced at the readings, I approached the altar and checked the readings of the day in the lectionary and made sure they were for today.  I then bowed and set the Sacramentary for today.  Ordinarily, the Mass is prepared by a full-bird Colonel.  Father comes in and sets the Sacramentary and then nods for the start of the rosary.  I have decided to set the book when I come in.  The Colonel approached me after Mass and asked me if I had any formal training referencing as a liturgist, sacristan or altar server.  I politely indicated that I had none but that I paid too much attention to my priests. 

Some would view this as a sign of a vocation to the priesthood, and in many cases they are probably correct.  I once observed altar server training for a few moments and the sacristan noted that if the servers wanted to learn the book, they could be instructed how to set the Sacramentary. 

Anecdotes aside, the readings for Mass really made me think about vocations.  The command to put one’s house in order because of impending death struck me as a universal message.  It especially applies to all deployed soldiers, but it definitely applies to everybody because we are all going to die.  Some consider it morose or maudlin to consider death.  But death has to be the universal constant in today’s world.  And I wondered what it means to have one’s house in order.

From the internal and personal spiritual perspective, I think that it is about having one’s heart turned towards Jesus.  As the Gospel message today also affirms, Jesus desires mercy.  Jesus wants to give us his grace and mercy just as much as he wants us to be gracious and merciful to others.  He commands us to love as he loves us.  God is love.  In the Liturgy of the Eucharist, one of the ‘presidential’ (of the presider) prayers that is meant to be said in a low voice states, “By the mystery of this water and wine may we come to share in the divinity of Christ who humbled himself to share in our humanity.”  I don’t know of if there is any theology that says this but I think that sharing God’s love in being gracious and merciful and, most of all, loving, is also a sharing in Christ’s divinity.  I have heard many times, ‘to err is human, to forgive, divine.’  And all exists when we turn our hearts towards Jesus.

And this is why I want to be a father.  In the context of parenting, I have come to see from my friends, who have children, that they experience the greatest love for their children when they are disciplining them.  For clarity, I want to distinguish between disciplining and punishing.  Disciplining, as I wish to define it, is to correct in an instructional and guiding way.  Punishment is a consequential action with little corrective or instructional aspects.  With these definitions it is clear why disciplining children is a great act of love. 

This is also one of the great joys of children.  Anybody who thinks that there will not be work when it comes to raising children or that their children will be perfect are either crazy or mistaken about what it means to be a child.  I think it would be great joy to watch my child succeed because I taught him something.  I get to say, “I taught him that and look at him now.”  There are many fathers who beam proudly over their children.  I have spent decades of my life looking for that pride from my own father and never found it.  But I have come to see now, that my father has been proud of my accomplishments all along. 

My father just didn’t know how discipline me.  He didn’t know how to correct me instructively and patiently.  He didn’t have an earthly father to teach him, to instruct him or love him.  It may have taken decades but he has learned to say ‘I love you’ and ‘I’m proud of you.’  I have read a couple of male spirituality books.  Some address the father wound and some say that wound is not as important as the walk with Christ.  I believe that every parent who cares for their children do the best they can with what they have.  I firmly believe these parents do not wake up each day and seek to ruin their children.  It is unfortunate that the notion of equality that is pervasive in our culture is also seeking to apply this to parenting.  Some parents who don’t have the skills but have the love are considered bad parents because they are ill equipped to discipline their children. 

I know I would be loving and patient with my children, but that does not exclude discipline.  My children would have bounds and order in their lives.  I do think that I would also have a soft spot for my children as well.  I think a healthy balance of discipline and mercy is developed over time and is just as unique with each child as Jesus is with us.  Loving children is an active participation in the life of the Church. 

God in community via trinity is the perfection of the family.  I want to love my wife so deeply and passionately that children proceed from that love just as the Holy Spirit proceeds from the Father and the Son.  Granted this is only if God calls me to this state of life.  I think that it is essential to discern this state of life.  It is attractive, just as the priesthood is attractive.  The family, the father is the most admirable part of the calling of a man in the state of matrimony to me because it is the image of the love between husband and wife. 

Why do I want to be a father?  I want to love the children of my wife.

Why I Want To Be A Father, Part 4

That is why a man leaves his father and mother 
and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body. - Genesis 2:24

I spent three blog entries reflecting on why I want to be a priest.  And there is truth in that statement.  I do want to be a priest.  But the love of God and fullness of life has given me an attraction to the natural state of marriage.  I call it the natural state because man and woman are complementary beings who in the married state fulfill the divine purpose of gender and sexuality.  But this is what discernment is all about.  It is about opening my heart and facing my sinfulness and inviting Jesus into my life to amend it so that I can accept the life he asks of me.  

The first appeal of the married state is loving the woman God may be calling me to marry.  After many heartbreaking relationships where I know I have caused pain through my mistakes and selfishness, I am slowly coming to realize that love is not some academic construct nor is an item to be idolized but rather, love in the married state really is a vocation.  It is a life-long calling that demands sacrifice and work.  I often bailed on relationships when the work and sacrifice required exceeded anything I was comfortable with.  My great sin in relationships is the idolatry of comfort.  

Idolatry of comfort is essentially where I place myself in a position where I am at ease to the point where I will forcefully defend the position I have to the point where I will abandon relationships and scuttle friendships.  This idolatry also objectifies intimacy as an means to an end, which too is sinfully selfish desire.  

The second great appeal of the married state is children.  Having children in the married state is the intimate participation in the life of Church and obedience to the command of God to be fruitful.  Also, having children in the married state is an expression of the love of husband and wife made tangible.  Having children in the married state is also a life-long calling that demands sacrifice and work.  Children give their parents the opportunity and challenge to be faithful witnesses to the Gospel of truth and life in their every day parenting. 

The third great appeal of the married state is what I call the "Saturday."  The "Saturday" is my daydream of a typical Saturday if I were married.  I see it as I would wake up and see my wife and be constantly overwhelmed by love for her.  I would rise and prepare the Saturday breakfast for my wife and my children.  Saturday morning would be spent working on my wife's task for me for that weekend.  Saturday afternoon would be given to the family on whatever the chosen activity is for that day with the purpose to make loving memories as a family.  The evening would have a dinner that invites the whole family into pleasant conversation but also hints at the deeper romance of my wife and me.  Nothing could beat laying next to my wife as we fall asleep thanking the Lord for his goodness.  

In joyful hope, I am thankful already to the Lord for his goodness.  God has given me a heart to love (which I fail to do fairly regularly) and mind to seek him in all things.  My heart is still very young in understanding prayer and hearing the voice of God.  In this realization, I accept that I will have to slow down and really embrace virtuous living, sacrifice regularly my time for others, apologize often in Confession, and humbly accept the guidance of those Jesus gives me to follow.  

I have often counseled that the Christian relationship should be an extension of the relationship with Jesus.  Like Solomon, it is time for me to end my vanity in clinging to wisdom and knowledge and reach for Jesus and grasp him.  It is time to love Jesus and know Jesus.  It is time to cease to be content with knowing of Jesus.  

Why I want to be a Father?  So I can love the mother of my children.

Safeguarding The Traditions: Reflections on the Church of England and Disney

Therefore we must pay greater attention to what 

we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it.

For if the message declared through the angels was valid, 

and every transgression or disobedience received a just penalty,

how can we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?

It was declared at first through the Lord,

and it was attested to us by those who heard him... - Hebrews 2:1-3

The letter to the Hebrews speaks to the tradition of the Church about the grace and mercy of the Lord in his sacrifice upon the Cross.  Also, the Church holds very dearly to the Tradition of the Church as safeguarded by the magisterium, headed by the Holy Father, under the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  

Traditions and rituals that are mocked by the critics of the Church exploit the modern notion that things that are old are also obsolete.  However, it is this poor man’s first hand experience that the grace of God is the oldest ‘thing’ in existence and, yet, for us Christians, it remains the most relevant truth in existence.  

On CNN I found two news stories today.  The first was that the Church of England has changed their doctrine to allow the ordination of female bishops.  The second was the arrest of several employees of Disney for various crimes against children.  While these do not deal with the Catholic Church directly, they are no less significant.  

The Church in England, by allowing the ordination of female bishops, has separated itself from what Catholic tradition has held since the inception of the Church:  Holy Orders, as instituted by Jesus to give grace, is reserved for males.  This gender distinction is neither oppressive of women or is it a violation of the dignity of women.  The Church has a fundamental and inherent responsibility to protect and safeguard the dignity of women and the sacred nature of femininity.

The nature of gender identity according to the Church is perfectly complementary.  Neither is superior or subordinate to the other.  But rather, the masculine and feminine work in perfect harmony for the glory of God.  The role of the feminine is theological receptivity.  This is most clearly identified in the Blessed Mother.  In her ‘yes‘ to the Lord, she demonstrates for us perfect reception.  The Church is also identified as our mother because the Church exists in the reception of God’s grace.  A priest friend of mine once said that “receptivity is not passivity.”  He went on to describe using the metaphor of catching a football.  To receive a pass requires actively using the hands whereas passively receiving a pass may result in being hit in the head.  

The role of the masculine is theologically initiative.  Jesus initiates creation, the Church, and all things.  This is particularly masculine and the priesthood must be masculine because of its role and nature.  The Catholic Church does not ordain women because of oppression or lack of equality but, rather, it could be a theological insult to the dignity of women and the nature of feminism.  The Church of England has voted to disagree doctrinally and theologically with the Catholic Church.  However, the Church remains committed to unity and community with all people of Good will.

The unfortunate revelation of the recent arrests made of Disney employees for crimes against children highlights the continuing struggle to protect children.  I feel compelled to note that the media is not condemning Disney but notes that the seniors at Disney are constantly seeking to protect children.  The media does seem to promote the equality of Catholic priests with pedophiles.  The protection of children is a social justice issue that the Church has been dealing with for some time.  The Dallas Charter of 2002 laid foundations for the Church in America on how to move forward with the scandal.  But the article pointed out that Disney is constantly working to improve how they safeguard children because Disney will always attract predators.  It seems logical that the same sociological theory applies to the Church.  The Church is going to attract predators we gather children in our churches.  

The Dallas Charter is a beginning.  The Church must continue to review and assess how it protects children.  The truth is that the Church must always be proactive in its efforts to protect children.  The Church has a pastoral responsibility to care for souls.  God does not ask us to differentiate between sins and sinners but rather to love our neighbors as ourselves.  

The news speaks to me about the love and mercy of God.  My emotions want me to be angry with the Church of England for how it has chosen to interpret tradition and theology.  They want me to rage against the former Disney employees who have committed or conspired to commit heinous crimes against children.  But I must be led away from my emotions because they change with the wind.  And the truth of God is that which never changes.  We are loved.  We are forgiven and free.  We have been offered salvation by Jesus’ embrace of the just penalty which rightfully belonged to us.  *(I am staring at this blog entry and am simultaneously contemplating the grace of God, the only way salvation is possible, and considering my great failure to coherently express my contemplations.  It is like trying to define the entire earth by a single grain of sand.)*  May the Lord in his love and mercy draw us closer to him.  May we come to know his truth and grace.  And may God make us fully proper to our personal role and dignity as a person.   

I Love My Church

The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few;
So ask the master of the harvest 
to send out more laborers for his harvest. - Matthew 9:37-38

A few days ago, the Holy Father, Pope Francis met with survivors of priestly abuse.  Each person he met privately with for 30 minutes.  He then begged them all for forgiveness.  Some in the media have quickly condemned the delay of this action and others condemned that he hasn't done anything.

I love my Church.  I think that I may love my Church more than anything on Earth.  I think I only Jesus more than I love my Church.  The Church is the bride of Christ.  I love my Church.

It is very difficult for me to read stories and commentaries that are full of hostility and aggression to the Church.  The Catholic Church encounters so much anger every day.  I think it is quite disheartening to see that there are people who actively persecute Christians, especially Catholics.  The current struggles in Israel, Iraq, Syria, Ethiopia, North Korea, China and many other countries on the issue of religion and religious freedom should constantly remind us that our world is hostile to the name of Jesus.

My Church is my home.  Through all of the trials and trepidations that I have had to encounter as an adult, the Church has been the rock and source of constancy in my life.  I come to know and recognize the frailty of the human condition.  I have come to know the harsh reality that comes with the inconsistency of support of people.  I have, however, come to know the unfailing love of Jesus through the working of the Holy Spirit through the Church in my own life.  This is not to say that I have encountered well intentioned people along the way, but they all form or conform either to the Church or to some sort of secular living.  I have had people in the Church let me down.  I have had people in the Church be everything to me and still continue to be so.  There are people who have never been Catholic, or Christian, and they have let me down.  There are people in my life who are not Christian but have demonstrated a deep care and regard for me that is reminiscent of the Church for me.

The Church is full of people who are sinners and hypocrites.  This man is a sinner and a hypocrite.  It is not in our sinfulness that makes us who we are, but only in the grace of God that gives us hope for an eternity in splendor.  The beauty of forgiveness is that when we participate in forgiving somebody, we ourselves are forgiven.  And God smiles.  At the same time in asking for forgiveness, we take ownership and accountability of the sins we have committed.  Whatever we may have to do to reconcile ourselves to our sin is the temporal reality of our fallen nature.  I've spent a night in jail once, lost my driver's license, lost friendships, hurt people's feelings, and this is all just what I have done in my own life.  I have paid for these sins and I will continue to pay for them here on earth, but in my repentance, I know that Jesus has forgiven me and borne the weight of me.  It is only when I became more aware of what Jesus has done and what he continues to do, do I realize the love I have for my Church.

And the life of the Church was entrusted to our priests.  Some have made some most grievous errors and others live so heroically for Jesus.  And they all bring us the Eucharist, Jesus.  Despite the world, I beg the Lord to send us more priests.  The harvest is plenty and the laborers are few.