So many words get said but rarely get thoughts placed before them. There is a real challenge for me in determining what is God’s will for me in my life. My mentors and friends tell me to use my deployment to let everything go and get on track and move on. What is lost in this are my emotions. I take everything that is said to me, that is done to me, and think. It’s amazing to me just how much thinking I do on a daily basis. What I think most about is where I have gone wrong with relationships. I’ve always thought it easy to be single and have no worries or stress. But this thought never takes into account the love factor. What happens when we find love? Pope John Paul II wrote that “man cannot live without love.” It should be logical that I would fall back into faith and remember that God loves me and that there is a plan. But I don’t discern anymore. I don’t ask the Lord to come into my life and guide my footsteps.
I used to say to live like there are no regrets. But I am realizing that there are many things I regret. All my regrets stem from my lack of self-control. I am not used to really being in control. I have been virtually independent since I was 18. Despite a dozen years on my own, I’ve relied on others for cues on how to act and what to say. So what is left? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t control myself. I’m sorry I couldn’t let go. I’m sorry I couldn’t hold on. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep my words to myself. I’m sorry I couldn’t let my words go out. I’m sorry I couldn’t love like I wasn’t afraid. I’m sorry I was afraid. I’m sorry I didn’t listen. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak. I’m just sorry.
I’ve been living the half-life. I wake up to a sunrise. I feel like I’m tied up. I prayed to go free. And so I will live like there’s no tomorrow. I sing like nobody’s listening. I give like I have plenty. I promise to love like I’m not afraid. I will be the way I was made.
I feel like letting go. May God let me let go.
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