Porn Ruined My Vocation

“…beneath my arrogance there lies much self-doubt,

Just as there is a great amount of pride hidden in my self-rejection.”

                                    -Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

 

A few months ago, I found myself in the confessional which is generally a regular occurrence for me.  In there, Father Dan, our parochial vicar, tells “You are a holy man.  I’m serious.  You are a holy man…”  I sat there and did not believe him.  I know my heart and I know me.  I may not see what he saw but I could not accept his words.

 

Fast forward to today.  I was back in confession.  Not with Father Dan, but with another priest I asked to be my spiritual director.  I was not hidden by a screen.  I had to let him see me.  I had not received the Eucharist since Easter.  It has been three and half weeks.  It feels twice as long.  I listed off my sins.  Violations against chastity, immorality, anger, laziness.  A new item came out.  A truth that had been buried deep. 

 

I am not formed in the faith and my hidden, interior life that is shrouded by lies that I tell anyone that gets too close.  I am tired of lies and I ache for truth.  I hinted to a friend the depth of these struggles.  I said I should write a book and call it, “Porn ruined my vocation.”  Yes, pornography.  Images burned deeply into my mind that have compromised my ability to dig deeper into relationships.  A sin that has led me to lie about every aspect of my faith life. 

 

I struggle with porn.  The sin is out there now.  I have written it.  I have confessed it countless times.  This pernicious thorn which has been with me for the last 25 years and possibly longer has undermined a faithful and virtuous life I could have led.  I told Father that I lack virtue.  I hypocritically valued integrity and respect above all else but could not trust deeply enough these things to my closest friends. 

 

Today, I realize that I cannot be joyful without renouncing these sins.  I realize that I cannot embody the Catholic virtue and still live behind lies.  I lied for so many years.  I introduced myself to Father and we talked after a very long confession about me.  I told him that I would struggle with spiritual direction because I am lazy and unformed.  I told him that I will probably lie to him at some point because I am a liar.  I cannot imagine a vocation because I lack the virtue.  I lack a prayer life which means I cannot hear God’s voice because my own pride is too loud. 

 

I had coffee with a good friend.  I scripted my conversation in my head and practiced the statements.  I was going to ask, “do you feel that I am fit for ministry?”  I expected a yes.  And then I was going to enumerate all of the sins and lies that would clearly disqualify me.  As I spoke, I desired to move past the jealousies that I had harbored and the self-rejection that I nurtured to strengthen my ability to lie.  I put much of this out there.  His response was “this is the breakthrough I was waiting for.”

 

I am on a journey.  I want to begin to be formed.  I want to know that my laziness and self-rejection can be overcome with great love.  So today, I cleaned my room.  I cleaned my body.  Most importantly, I cleaned my soul.  After it all, I hungered for truth.  I hunger for the Lord.  During my conversations, I recounted my inability to deny the existence of God and accept that I fail to live an internal conversion which should demonstrate that I am Catholic.  Instead, I made a new confession and a humble prayer to live a way that says I am a Christian.  My heart lacks the formation to own this faith but after confessing this, the stony part may be softening.  With the grace of God, I may actually believe that I am “a holy man.”