There Is Hope For Me

In the world, you will have trouble, but take courage

I have overcome the world.  – John 16:33

The struggles with sin and temptation are a reality for me.  The past few days have been a whirlwind of grace and mercy from God, foremost, and from my friends.  In revealing my past sins to my friends did not create a divide or a division, but rather reconciliation and an outpouring of love. 

I must also include a supplement to an earlier post.  I titled the post “Porn Ruined My Vocation.”  Sin does separate me from God.  However, sin cannot ruin my vocation.  God’s love and mercy is a gift.  St Paul tells me that where sin runs deep, God’s grace is more.  And with the example of the Saints (particularly Augustine who famously wrote “God grant me chastity, but not yet”), I believe that I can overcome sin and temptation.  I take solace in the scriptures selected today and affirm that God’s call for me is for me only requires my acquiescence to his love and mercy.

The scriptures tell us that the wage of sin is death.  And for the sins we have committed, our earthly bodies will pass from this world and enter the judgment of God.  We entrust those who have passed to God’s mercy because the scriptures also tell us those who hope in God “[make themselves] pure, as he is pure” (1 John 3:3). 

But for me personally, I struggle to reveal the darkness of my sins because of shame.  Shameful behavior causes me to hide because I do not want to appear as a failure.  But how do I embrace the mercy of God, and the mercy of my friends, if I cannot allow myself to be reconciled through confession?  I bring another confession to light. 

A grave sin of mine is pride.  Pride is a sin that also reveals itself in my shame.  One of the causes of this pride is vanity.  I have often spoken of my own intellectual vanity.  I have a deep desire to not just always be right but to also appear to be more intelligent than those around me.  This sin impacts me and my community.

The first impact of this sin in my own life is that it deprives me of being like Jesus.  Jesus came, lived, and died with perfect humility.  Pride and vanity are the opposites of this virtue.  These sins place me above all other things.  By degrading the people near to me, whether they are aware of it or not, is itself an act of attempted murder of their being.  God create each person good and with a dignity which commands respect.  My own sinfulness deprives them of the respect due to their own personal dignity. 

This past Sunday, I had the privilege to escort an extraordinary Catholic woman to Mass, lunch, and holy hour with the Blessed Sacrament.  The beauty of this encounter is that I could only engage this person with humility.  The ability to pray with another person is a gift from God.  Her gift to me was a religious experience that I would otherwise not have sought out.  Mass in another parish is an opportunity to worship with the greater community of faith.  Lunch was a continuation of this because we shared a pleasant conversation, much of which I have already lost to my own limited memory.  The Holy Hour was an additional grace that my own spiritual laziness would not have otherwise undertaken. 

But what I do recall is that as I dropped her off at the airport, she challenged me to more holy hours.  I am a difficult person and didn’t want to set myself up for failure, but she pressed on.  “God is beckoning you.”  Her words remain with me still.  “Beckoning me for what?”  Was my only response.  “You will see.” 

“See what love the Father has bestowed upon us that we may be called the children of God” (1 John 3:1).  I pray for strength and courage as I battle these temptations in my life with Jesus as my hope.  May I trust and hope in the words of Jesus:  In the world you will have trouble, but take courage, I have overcome the world.

Confession: Turn Around

Amen, amen, I say to you, you will weep and mourn,

While the world rejoices; you will grieve,

But your grief will become joy. – John 16:20

Sadness and grief find their way into my life regularly.  I find sadness when I think about the family that has passed away.  I hope they are in heaven in restful joy.  This hope gives me joy.  So, in a personal way, I feel as though Jesus is talking directly to me in the scriptures just as he is talking to the disciples.  And the Church teaches that Jesus is talking to me. 

Faith is a desire of mine but faith is a gift from God.  I believe in God, in Jesus, in the Holy Spirit.  And within this belief comes the invitation from God to embrace faith and renounce sin.  I have asked to enter spiritual formation and direction.  My hope for this is to recreate in my heart a welcoming place for Jesus.  I want to be filled with the Holy Spirit so that I might be able to live virtuously. 

Where I am spiritually and emotionally is in a place where I am letting go of secrets.  A prior post I made a candid confession about some of my failings.  Today, I reveal my love of money.  When I was young, my family united to make it work out.  We had enough but not much of excess.  I was a fairly spoiled as a child which means that my sisters suffered for my selfishness and greed.  My younger sister required extra attention because she was nearly killed at 6 years old.  And, yet, I persisted in my greed and selfishness.  I ultimately would leave my mother for my father’s mother because I perceived a better opportunity for wealth. 

My internal conversion requires confession.  Eventually, as I continue to reveal more to the world, I will submit to a General Confession.  This General Confession will ask to me to confess all of sins.  But I desire holiness.  I desire to live such a life that will grant peace to my soul and eventually give me a peaceful death where I eventually hear “well done, good and faithful servant.” 

Confession is painful.  I have often commented how waiting for Confession can make me angry.  Why are these people taking so long?  Why is the line long?  And then, I remember that I am judging sinners who are seeking forgiveness.  My selfishness strikes again.  But confession is painful.  But as it is a sacrament, it is an encounter with Jesus. 

An encounter with Jesus doesn’t require anything but a willing spirit.  In my heart, I usually go to Confession knowing that I will encounter Jesus, and so I will enter this encounter reverently.  And so, I question how have I come to a place of desolation?  I vainly think that I am intelligent and in some respects, God has gifted me with a great ability to make connections fast.  Some have commented that this is itself is intelligence.  So, I reflect on this today:  How am I in desolation? 

Desolation is described by St Ignatius of Loyola in the Fourth Rule of his Spiritual Exercises as containing characteristics “such as darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to low and earthly things, disquiet from various agitations and temptations, moving to lack of confidence, without hope, without love, finding oneself totally slothful, tepid, sad, and, as if separated from one’s Creator and Lord.”  Within this definition, it is possible that I have spent the clear majority of my life in desolation.  I think that because I have spent most my life in selfishness, lustfulness, in lies, essentially in sin, that I may have chosen to live in desolation. 

Conversion is a metanoia.  Metanoia comes from a Greek word that literally means “to turn around.”  I am turning towards God.  I am afraid of what he says when I finally can hear his voice.  But Jesus says to me, “you will weep and mourn, while the world rejoices; you will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.”

Porn Ruined My Vocation

“…beneath my arrogance there lies much self-doubt,

Just as there is a great amount of pride hidden in my self-rejection.”

                                    -Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved

 

A few months ago, I found myself in the confessional which is generally a regular occurrence for me.  In there, Father Dan, our parochial vicar, tells “You are a holy man.  I’m serious.  You are a holy man…”  I sat there and did not believe him.  I know my heart and I know me.  I may not see what he saw but I could not accept his words.

 

Fast forward to today.  I was back in confession.  Not with Father Dan, but with another priest I asked to be my spiritual director.  I was not hidden by a screen.  I had to let him see me.  I had not received the Eucharist since Easter.  It has been three and half weeks.  It feels twice as long.  I listed off my sins.  Violations against chastity, immorality, anger, laziness.  A new item came out.  A truth that had been buried deep. 

 

I am not formed in the faith and my hidden, interior life that is shrouded by lies that I tell anyone that gets too close.  I am tired of lies and I ache for truth.  I hinted to a friend the depth of these struggles.  I said I should write a book and call it, “Porn ruined my vocation.”  Yes, pornography.  Images burned deeply into my mind that have compromised my ability to dig deeper into relationships.  A sin that has led me to lie about every aspect of my faith life. 

 

I struggle with porn.  The sin is out there now.  I have written it.  I have confessed it countless times.  This pernicious thorn which has been with me for the last 25 years and possibly longer has undermined a faithful and virtuous life I could have led.  I told Father that I lack virtue.  I hypocritically valued integrity and respect above all else but could not trust deeply enough these things to my closest friends. 

 

Today, I realize that I cannot be joyful without renouncing these sins.  I realize that I cannot embody the Catholic virtue and still live behind lies.  I lied for so many years.  I introduced myself to Father and we talked after a very long confession about me.  I told him that I would struggle with spiritual direction because I am lazy and unformed.  I told him that I will probably lie to him at some point because I am a liar.  I cannot imagine a vocation because I lack the virtue.  I lack a prayer life which means I cannot hear God’s voice because my own pride is too loud. 

 

I had coffee with a good friend.  I scripted my conversation in my head and practiced the statements.  I was going to ask, “do you feel that I am fit for ministry?”  I expected a yes.  And then I was going to enumerate all of the sins and lies that would clearly disqualify me.  As I spoke, I desired to move past the jealousies that I had harbored and the self-rejection that I nurtured to strengthen my ability to lie.  I put much of this out there.  His response was “this is the breakthrough I was waiting for.”

 

I am on a journey.  I want to begin to be formed.  I want to know that my laziness and self-rejection can be overcome with great love.  So today, I cleaned my room.  I cleaned my body.  Most importantly, I cleaned my soul.  After it all, I hungered for truth.  I hunger for the Lord.  During my conversations, I recounted my inability to deny the existence of God and accept that I fail to live an internal conversion which should demonstrate that I am Catholic.  Instead, I made a new confession and a humble prayer to live a way that says I am a Christian.  My heart lacks the formation to own this faith but after confessing this, the stony part may be softening.  With the grace of God, I may actually believe that I am “a holy man.”

Seventh Sunday in Ordinary Time

"You have heard that it was said,
You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” – Matthew 5:43-44

 

The readings for Mass on February 19, 2017 are particularly convicting for me.  When it comes to religion and politics, I often posture myself into a mode where I am right and I have to prove to you that I am right without regard for how you feel because I am safely tucked away behind my computer.  But most of all, what is missing from my online behavior is general care and compassion for my fellow man when I take to arguing for the day. 

 

The Church gives us guidance for our behavior by re-affirming that right and wrong do exist and we have a responsibility to discern and do right.  This particular Sunday, the Church prays with us for this particular intention through the Collect prayer of the Mass:  Grant, we pray, almighty God, that, always pondering spiritual things, we may carry out in both word and deed that which is pleasing to you.  The opening prayer of the Mass this weekend asks us all to call to mind that we pray to God for the strength and courage to do right. 

 

The Old Testament reading often prefigures the Gospel thematically.  I believe that the Church is reminding us all of the universal call to sanctity.  The Lord speaks to Moses and he speaks to us:  “Be holy, for I, the LORD, your God, am holy.”  I believe most Christians can accept this with relative ease, even though the practice may be a bit lacking.  What is more revealing is when the Lord tells Moses and the Israelites (and us) that “You shall not bear hatred for your brother or sister in your heart…Take no revenge and cherish no grudge…You shall love your neighbor as yourself…”  Why does it seem so difficult to reconcile this mercy to the Lord as described in the Old Testament as opposed to the ‘eye for an eye’ God of vengeance?  I contend that God has always been merciful, it is us who tire of receiving his mercy. 

 

The Gospel for this Sunday is a continuation of the Sermon on the Mount.  Jesus is calling to mind well regarded passages of the Old Testament.  Jesus calls attention to the common practice in disputes and then responds with how to respond in full accord with the law.  The Lord told Moses to take no revenge and Jesus gives his audience, and us, a practical way to love our neighbors in a practical, and sometimes sacrificial, way.  Jesus even offers an explanation of why this teaching is necessary.  Character and reputation is often built on how we treat people.  J.K. Rowling gives us this great little piece in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, “If you want to what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”  Jesus points out that we are no different from anyone else if we only love those who love us.  Where is the charity in reservation?  Be perfect.  Be holy. 

 

Paul gives an interesting take on holiness.  Because we belong to God, we are called to be holy.  Paul tells me particularly, “If any one among you considers himself wise in this age, let him become a fool, so as to become wise.  For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in the eyes of God.”  While not in this week’s reading, Paul goes on in his letter and declares that God’s foolishness is greater than all the wisdom of the world. 

 

This hit me particular because I like to prove that I’m right.  Argue until I win or my opponent concedes.  I especially struggle with being told I am wrong.  Heaven forbid if I am told I am wrong, and then it is proven.  Pride cometh before the fall as the book of Proverbs tells me.  In the future may I be more open to listening rather than arguing.  May God give me a heart for dialogue and not political conquest.  And through the intercession of Saint Francis, may I seek to understand more than I seek to be understood. 

Disturbing Lack of Faith

“You will be hated by all because of my name.”-Matthew 10:22

Today, the Church celebrates the martyrdom of Saint Stephen, who according to tradition is the first Christian martyr.  The Collect for Mass for the Feast of Saint Stephen says this, “Grant, Lord, we pray, that we may imitate what we worship and so learn to love even our enemies, for we celebrate the heavenly birthday of a man who knew how to pray even for his persecutors…”  In the Gospel passage from Matthew, Jesus tells that the simple choice to follow him will bring enemies, but that the Spirit will give us what we need in the moment of need. 

Jesus gives us a clear and definitive teaching that essentially says to have faith.  But what does it mean to have faith?  For me, there is a real cerebral difference between belief and faith.  I believe in God.  I believe in Jesus.  I believe in the Church and her teachings.  But faith is a little different.  I know what faith is.  I want to have faith in God and trust that I need “will be given at that moment” (Matthew 10:19). 

But I don’t have that kind of faith.  I live a faith life that makes me the animus of whatever happens.  A good friend once asked me if the young people I worked with lived my life would they get to heaven?  I mention this often now because it is so profound.  At the end of every day, I am disappointed to examine my day and question where in my day is there a single moment that is redeemed by all the others. 

The opening prayer for the Feast of Saint Stephen renews my hope.  The prayer invokes that we may be given the ability to imitate the Lord and to learn to love.  These are processes that take time.  I should rightly feel disappointment in my sin but not necessarily feel shame.  I should be contrite and seek forgiveness for the wrongs I have done and what I have failed to do. 

Jesus tells us that if we had faith the size of a tiny mustard seed, we’d be able to work wonders.  I have not seen anyone move a mountain recently so I presume I am in good company in Church.  But I don’t base my faith life on others’ faith.  I do, however, base my need for community on the faith life of others. 

I consider John (in Alaska) to be one of my best friends because he has been relentless and fearless in challenging me in my faith life.  He is always asking me how is my prayer life.  How is my relationship with God.  What is going on in my life.  I finally admitted in confession about a month ago that I was either near or starting a crisis of faith.  I no longer feel that I have a crisis of faith, but rather, I do have the problem of a lack of faith. 

Last night, it was really late but I still pulled out my guitar and ran through a few songs before bed.  One song in particular was “Enough” by Chris Tomlin.  My friends would not be surprised to hear Chris Tomlin as a selection for my sets, but his music has not been in my mix lately.  One line in particular that struck me was “…all I have in You is more than enough.” 

So what am I really doing?  Can I faithfully answer the call to love the people who will hate me?  I don’t know if I can do it faithfully but I try.  I do want to be a saint in heaven when I complete this earthly life.  Some days, I feel like the only way will be to do so like Saint Stephen.  The reality is that I will die and it does not matter how I die so long as I die faithfully in Christ.

Christmas Hope

O God, who wonderfully created the dignity of human nature

And still more wonderfully restored it, grant, we pray,

That we may share in the divinity of Christ,

Who humbled himself to share in our humanity…

-Collect, December 25, 2016, Mass during the Day

When I was young in my Catholic faith, I often ignored the opening prayer of the Mass when it was prayed by the priest.  It was not intentional or meant in any disrespectful manner; it was the result of my lack of familiarity with all that takes place in the opening rites of the Mass.  But the collect is essential to the Mass.  *(I would argue that every word, rite, prayer of the Mass is essential)* 

I consider my father in faith to be Archbishop Charles Chaput, Archbishop of Philadelphia.  While in Colorado, he made time to see me whenever he could.  He would often preach that if you wanted to understand the readings for the Catholic Mass, just go to the opening prayer and read it. 

Being Catholic is a struggle.  Being Christian is a struggle.  The struggle is trying to live virtuously.  Webster tells us that virtue is conformity to a standard of right or a commendable quality or trait.  For me, the discipline I try to adopt is to think of others more and myself less.  This sounds like a good practice but the reality is often more difficult.  Every day, I wake up and my body reminds me that it must be attended to.  I’m hungry.  I’m dirty.  I’m hot.  I’m cold.  I’m late.  I’m tired.  Virtue is undermined by human frailty (and, for me, some Oreos). 

Virtue, for me, is also undermined by desire.  Desire, by itself, is not a bad thing.  Desire is a deep attraction.  I speak often from the position of desire.  I desire good things for every person that I meet.  Because I desire good things for people, I often will say things that are true in the moment and very reflective of how I feel, but very difficult to follow through with.  I have friends (Jonah, Louis, Robert, Adam, and many more) that I explicitly tell them that I wish I could sit and have a beer and give but an hour with them.  More discernment would give me a better statement that reflects reality.  Moving to Alaska has made it difficult to make good on time commitments or at least expressions of commitment. 

Being Catholic is also my choice.  I choose it because hope is a virtue that I value.  Hope is the promise that there is something greater than me and that my life, despite my mistakes, eternity is a possibility because I am forgiven by God through the life, death and resurrection of Jesus.  Catholicism is a faith tradition that is difficult because it has a book with stories that are thousands of years old.  Catholicism also has a book that a couple thousand paragraphs of the Church’s teaching.  There is a hierarchy and structure that reflects the wisdom of millennia.  These characteristics run counterculture it is neither vintage or new.  It appears to be restrictive of freedom.  Its ways are not “our” ways. 

Jesus is God.  God is love.  This teaching of the Church specifically gives me hope.  Jesus taught about the dignity of the person without regard to race, creed, or sexuality.  And thus, it is so that Christmas is sacred to me. 

I was speaking via Facebook Messenger with a friend who recently lost his father and I was lamenting on the loss of my sister many years ago.  He noted that time probably makes it easier.  I appreciated his words of comfort but I spoke of my grief differently.  I noted that my grief did not get easier with time but rather changes with time from sadness to heartfelt longing.  Because my hope subsists in the divinity of Jesus, the celebration of the nativity of Jesus marks the beginning of the manifestation of God’s precious promise that He will come to his people. 

I will fail in my Christian walk.  But Christmas is a time to renew our commitment to virtue.  For Catholics, it is a time to remember that God came to save us.  There is hope.

Reclaiming National Dignity

Note to Reader:  This post is purely a personal political commentary on the US Political climate.


As a citizen interested in government and as a former legislator, I had long believed that too many governmental programs are botched because they are started in haste without adequate planning or establishment of goals.  Too often they never really attack the targeted problems.­ -- Jimmy Carter, 2002

The current state U.S. politics is a highly partisan, two party system that reveals divisive flaws in national public opinions.  The race for the office of the President of the United States has become less about electing the most capable chief executive of the nation but, rather, electing an ideology which effectively discriminates against a substantial population of the United States. 

The course of federal American politics in the 21^st century circulates between radical conservatism and radical liberalism.  Federal politics also undermine federalism within the United States as well.  I suggest a few courses of action that should drive national policy for our government.  These are:  1) We must have term limits for all federal, elected officials; 2) We must restore confidence in the sovereignty of the States; and 3) We must, as a nation, be willing to have crucial conversations and productive dialogue about social equity.

Term limits for members of Congress should be limited to two terms.  This is in line with the term limits for the office of the President.  Elected positions should not appear to be imperialistic, monarchistic, or aristocratic.  Term limits also makes public service more accessible.  The modern political theory of Congressional Stagnation suggests that once elected, a person is unlikely to lose re-election in the House of Representatives.  I don't believe any individual member assumes a particular identity.  I just believe that Congressional diversity comes from turnover.

“Incumbency and Short-Term Influences on Voters” is an article by John Petrocik and Scott Desposato that appeared in Political Research Quarterly that is widely cited for its statistic that, on average, 5-10 incumbents per election cycle will lose re-election in House elections.  Logically, the paradox is that 11% of the people approve of the work done by Congress and yet all but 2% of Congress people are re-elected.

It has long been a personal belief of mine, that as a citizen of the United States, that if a political ideology is so divisive that threatens our democratic republic then it should not be a federal issue.  When compromise fails on a politically ideological situation, then the people and the government must courageously accept the sovereignty of the individual state’s determination of what is best for its residents. 

Technology has provided access to more information and data than ever before.  I believe that this also presents a complication.  I believe that technology also makes us less likely to compromise because our access to information leads us to believe that we are right when we take a position. 

One of the many great privileges of being an American citizen is the freedom to choose which values we will possess and live by.  This ability to be an individual carries the responsibility to respect the choices of others.  This does not require a citizen to compromise their own values but it can lead to open and constructive conversations where understanding as opposed to dominance is prevailing purpose.   

In response to polarizing effect of major issues, I propose that America courageously accept that all divisive issues that cannot be objectively evaluated as right and wrong be returned to the States.  Gun control and abortion are examples of two ideological differences that demonstrate the subjectivity of policy. 

The gun control issue rests on an interpretation of the Constitution.  Rather than impose a modern interpretation of gun control, making gun control a states’ rights issue protects the constitutional rights of the people, and the laws, of Chicago, Illinois and Anchorage, Alaska without compromising the sovereignty of the local and state governments.

From my perspective, abortion debate has almost never been about abortion itself.  It has been about the fundamental question of when life begins.  However, without science (or law) definitively speaking to the universality the personhood of a human zygote as life then the abortion decision cannot take place nationally.  Liberal court opinions have reframed the nature of the abortion discussion.  What began as a question of human viability for a fetus has evolved into a privacy issue.  Science and the law do not speak objectively and harmoniously to life in this circumstance and, therefore, abortion should be a states’ rights issue. 

Social equity is the greatest challenge to the American landscape.  I believe viral issues, such as perceived police bias, corporate oligarchy, and the “1%”, are not individual issues to be resolved but are themselves symptoms to a greater problem in America.  The problem itself is something that must be rooted out through education, conversation, and judicious action. 

Comprehensive reform of America’s school should begin with defining what is a quality education and then bridging the access gap to this education.  America has a Gross Domestic Product of $17.95 Trillion, by far the largest economy in the world.  We should also have the most wealth of any nation.  Therefore, American students should not be allowed to make it through primary and secondary schooling without literacy, math, and critical thinking skills. 

Federal student loans, scholarships and grants for post-secondary education should only be need based.  Federal educational benefits should also have some sort of return to the government in the form of civil service, military service, or select degree seeking programs.  Forbes magazine noted that bachelor degrees in fields like anthropology, film, photographic arts, and other “softer” degrees should not put students into debt.  The probability of the student repaying the debt without incurring a forbearance, deference, or income controlled payments is significantly less likely than a STEM-field producing degree.

Critical conversations begin and end with engaging with the intent to understand and not to dominate.  This must be a values driven conversation to understand differences in prejudice and practical methods to re-evaluate the community dynamic.  Racism exists.  Prejudice exists.  Discrimination exists.  In the course of dialogue, growth and engagement, communities can push back against racism, reveal prejudices, and eliminate unjust discrimination while recognizing the existence of just differentiation. 

At the end of the day, the American people need to be willing to act courageously and judiciously.  The leaders of ideology seem to be more interested in protecting special interests and statuses quo at the expense and sacrifice of the dignity of the individual and the nation.  America can restore her national pride.  And each American must be a part of reclaiming national dignity.